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anonymous
writes: I am in a situation where I am with someone and, well, they were with someone else and they're not together but they have a child together. But the guy wants me now, not her, and she always uses the child against him like saying she going to hurt it and lots of stuff. I think he feels obligated to be with her,but he says he loves me and we're getting married and this girl don't know about me yet. Please I need your advice. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A reader, c, writes (8 February 2005): like bjc says, go slow. i was in a similar situation once and i got to the point where he was pushing me away because he wouldnt talk to me about his ex and the baby. eventually he would. i knew he was no angel by a long shot but he had been straight with me from the start about the baby. in the end i told him i wanted some space and it worked. i got my head sorted out and i confronted him about everything and he was open and frank now we talk about things. the difference is, your bf doesnt talk to you about his past and he is hiding something. just assuming that you want to get married says a lot of what your relationship could be like if you get married on his terms. tell him you want to know everything and if not, you're walking. you're not committed to him. There's always two sides to every story and you only know part of one side. Theres plenty more fish in the sea. Hes not worth it
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (8 February 2005):
 Whoa!He wants you two to get married, and he hasn't even mentioned you to his ex? The way you put it, it doesn't sound like he's even asked your opinion about whether you'd LIKE to get married. And why haven't you met the ex and his child? You're going to be involved with both of them, as well as him, if you get married to your bf.Your bf sounds untrustworthy and he might have more going on here than you know about. I'd be extremely wary of his behaviour.You say that you "think" he feels obligated to be with her, but have you asked him? Do you realise that he has a lifelong legal commitment to his child, and that by marrying him, you become that child's step-mum? Are you prepared to help raise the child, if necessary?Do you believe him when he says that his ex "uses the child against him"? Why do you believe him? It's pretty much his word against hers, isn't it? Until you get to know her, it's a dangerous game, just hearing his side of the story. Furthermore, the ex is now what you could be in a few years. She knows more about him and what makes him tick than you do. What happened in their relationship could be replayed in yours, so you should get to know her if you can. Don't you think it would be a good idea to familiarise yourself with the child that you're going to be legally-related to, before you jump into this man's life with both feet? And he doesn't seem to be very forthcoming with details of his past history, which is a worry.What I'm trying to point out, dear, is that you sound really young and fairly naive. I think you need to give yourself some space and distance from this man until you know a LOT more about him and his past. Go slow. There's no rush to marry him. And don't take his word as gospel. Go and find things out for yourself.
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