A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know that I love my girlfriend very much. But the older I get, the more I worry that I'm actually gay. So, I started off by watching gay porn, and being very aroused. Then being with my first man was I was 16. Ive always been harder during sex with men, but enjoyed sex with women too. I've only ever felt a crush on one boy. Then I've been with my gf for 2 years. I know I love her, but i still fantasise about men, and even sneak off to watch gay porn, and used sex toys on myself. Then I was speaking to my boss, he's gay but was married first. He told me he always knew because he was "solid" with men and just okay with women (I am too) that he fantasied alot and in the end knew he was only able to perform with a women if he was horny or by thinking about men during, and I could relate. I guess my question is how do you really know?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2020): OP, you need to leave your girlfriend. You cannot be committed to someone and still be this sure about your own sexuality. You are putting your girlfriend's emotional well being at risk. Eventually perhaps even her physical health. You should never play these games with the emotions of people who LOVE you. You are being cruel and unfair to her. She cannot compete with a man. You will destroy her self esteem and her heart. I think you wanting to be with a man is far more destructive to her than you wanting to be with another woman. You put her in a no win situation. And that too is destructive to her. It's not easy but you have to make that choice otherwise you would be living a lie, ultimately dragging her down with you into the dark hole, until that moment you betray her with another man. Because everything you have said here shows it's just a matter of time, OP.BE KIND TO HER HEART. LET HER GO BEFORE YOU DO EVEN MORE DAMAGE. LEAVE HER BECAUSE YOU DO LOVE HER. You are not the man for her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2020): I was with my ex for 2.5 years. We loved each other a lot and were intimate. We reluctantly broke up because, whilst the love was there, he had to explore his sexuality more to see if he was gay. Turns out, he’s bisexual, but mostly into men. He needed that time to figure himself out and I think you do too, as a single man.
Lots of straight women enjoy lesbian porn because it’s usually kinder to women than straight porn. I’m sure there are some straight men who prefer gay porn for whatever reason too. However, I don’t think that’s the case with you. Enjoying anal on yourself isn’t automatically a gay thing either; prostate stimulation is something many men like regardless of sexuality.
That said, you need to be honest with your girlfriend, so she can be with someone who isn’t fantasising about anyone else, regardless of gender or sexuality. Then you need to find someone, whatever gender (but probably a man) who enjoys the same things sexually that you do and matches you well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2020): Please pardon these typos!
Corrections:
"I was teased, because of my slender-build, and called "pretty!"
"Few people can resist it, once they've been into it for a long-time!
P.S.
I'm by no means condemning or judging you, my friend. I'm just giving you the benefit of wisdom and experience.
Once you've found love, you have to cherish it. That requires restraint and will-power! Nobody is telling you that it's easy. Our sex-drive is a very powerful impulse!!!
Lots of distractions and temptations come our way; because we are in an age where immediate-gratification (particularly of the sexual-nature) is easily accessible, and highly sought-after. Social media brings gorgeous faces, hot bodies, and easy-access to contact to people online! Any time of the day, or night! You don't even have to search, because they'll find you! It's hard to resist, because we're so spoiled! Living in a consumer-driven society, free of censorship, and deficient of moral-standards...with just about anything and everything a keystroke away! Discretion is no longer advised; because everybody's life is an open-book!
If you want to keep her, focus on her. If you want to be with a man, let her go! You have no right to hurt her, because you're selfish and undecided.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2020): I don't think it's a good-idea to be watching gay-porn; or using what I would assume would be dildos, while you commit yourself to a girlfriend.
I started-out with girls, but always knew I was gay. I had no problem getting aroused and having sexual-intercourse; because in my teens, raging hormones made it so easy! I never kept a girlfriend.
I was very shy, and somewhat of a loner; but girls thought I was adorable. I found myself hiding, avoiding close-friendships; and I wouldn't even look people in the eyes. Somehow, I thought people would know my secret. I'm not effeminate, especially with having tough older-brothers!
One of my teachers noticed how I always walked-around looking down. I never raised my hand in class, and she always had to call-on me. She built-up my confidence by having me compose short-stories, poems, and speeches to read before the class. Surprisingly, it worked. I was trying my best not to draw attention to myself; especially from girls and jocks! I was teased, because my my slender-build, and called "pretty!" I was teased, but never bullied! I could handle myself. My older-brothers were former-athletes at that school; their pictures were in trophy cases, and they were known to kick-ass. Not as bullies, they just didn't take crap from anybody. We're multiracial, and that in itself draws unwanted-attention. My brothers were also known to be very protective of me. Tease if you want, but keep hands-off! Racism wasn't as openly-toxic where I'm from; but subtle as it was, it was always evident. They've seen my parents! My skin-tone is not white! The challenge is determining what my ethnicity really is? I was more worried about somebody figuring-out that I liked boys!!!
I didn't think experimentation with men was the thing to do while being with girls. I met a guy on our family-vacation; we became pen-pals, both teenagers. From there we grew to become very close friends. He eventually became my domestic-partner for 28 years. I never went back to women; although I found the sex to be good. I still like to checkout pretty ladies!
I did some modeling back in the day; seemed like all the guys were gay, or bisexual. They went from girlfriends to boyfriends, and back. It was weird! I quit to join the Air Force. Hoping they'd make more of a man out of me. They did! A better-man at that!
My family is Christian, I never really got into viewing porn; I can't speak for my older-brothers. If they had any, I never found it. I am still a Christian, and I never really cared for porn of any sort. I do like the sight of attractive-men; but my ways are more subdued and dignified. Now in a happy committed-relationship, my full-attention is squarely focused on that. I've never been heavily into the gay-culture; but have many gay male-friends, and some lesbian-friends. A friend of mine owned a local gay-bar several years ago; and we sometimes stopped-in for drinks. Too much for me! When you have a partner, people hitting on him or you gets annoying. We're no longer in that scene. We live a happy life, have careers, and entertain a lot. We don't just surround ourselves with "queens!" You'll learn what I mean, if you ever decide to go that route. The gay-culture encompasses a lot, and it gets pretty bazaar at times.
I couldn't form emotional-attachments with females. Only with one particular guy; and I really didn't have much experience with guys other than him. I tried-it with men a few times before we (my first-partner, and I) came-out to each-other. I met a guy when I served in the Air Force. He was married, with a kid. That was brief. I ended it. I liked his wife, and his cute little-boy. He was older, and we all got along like family. I even baby-sat for them on their date-nights. I couldn't look her in the eyes, and pretend like everything was cool. I'm not that kind of person. Later, I came-out to my friend/pen-pal; and it was true-love from then on. He died of cancer after we had a relationship lasting a total of 28 years. No sex as friends, only later on. We fooled around, but pretended it was just a joke; but something between us began to spark.
You have to be faithful and honest to the person you're with. If you find yourself more drawn to men; it is totally unfair to lead her on. Even worse, to be cheating on her psychologically; if you're turning to man-on-man porn...which will only stir-up and intensify your desires towards men! Thus the sex-toys and watching gay-porn in secret!
It will eventually affect your sex-life; and you will lose interest in her sexually over the course of time. Your mind will want guys! You're feeding into that side of you with gay-porn and sex-toys. It's inevitable!
I always advise men who are bisexual, or who have had sex with men (and enjoyed it); don't toy with the affections and feelings of women in the process. Cheating on people, regardless of their gender, is rotten!!! It's a betrayal of their trust! It's making a mockery of true-commitment and faithfulness. Decency and fairness is not an obsolete concept. It's the only way relationships endure and are real!
As a committed-boyfriend, you must suppress your alternative-urges and desires; as long as you feel you love her, and want to be with her.
That means no gay-porn, and no gay-oriented sex-toys! Subsequently, you will become more drawn to men; and you will be tempted to play behind her back. The worse thing that can happen is that you could get caught! Her discovering this would make your relationship a lie; and any pretense to the contrary would be devastating for her. Wavering between the sexes, when you're committed to someone at the time; is just low-down and dirty. Porn-culture and porn-addiction is stealing something from committed-relationships and marriage, whether anybody wants to admit it or not! It's easy to find on any device, and it's free! I get tired of the argument that you can enjoy porn and still want your partner. If you have a partner, why would you need it? It's like cheating with another person; without actually cheating! That's why! That's my personal-opinion. I offer it, because this is where people are allowed to express their opinions. We deal with relationships and marriages. I don't think I'm righteous or my opinion is above that of anyone else; but I go by what I've witnessed and experienced. I think a lot of people might agree, because so many come here to DC with that complaint!
Why add complications that you really don't need? If you and your partner are on the same-page about it, cool! If you have to hide it, and sneak about; you're one-step from cheating! Hiding it is because you know they wouldn't like it! Yet you want something more, or different, from what they provide you sexually! It's greedy! Is enough ever enough? Masturbation accompanied with porn has an addictive-effect. Few people can resist it once they've been into for a long-time! Their relationships start to deteriorate; while regular-sex with a partner starts to become boring. Porn provides sexually-explicit visuals; and fantasies that you will be tempted to try, or experiment with. Your partner might find it all rather disgusting! Be careful, you don't want to find-out whether this is true for you!
If you have an interest in men; I suggest you give-up the porn, or give-up the girlfriend. You don't get to have it all, when she should have the choice of finding someone who is faithful to her, attracted to only females, and not living a double-life. She can compete with another woman; but competing with a man, with what we have and what we can do. That just isn't the same-thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2020): Sure you love your girlfriend, but from what you've described, it seems as if you are gay.
Be fair to your girlfriend and tell her what you've just told us. Don't string her along without letting her know how you feel. Then you can both make a decision as to whether or not you want to stay together.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 March 2020):
 How do you know?
I can't tell you that. I don't think most people have deep doubts, they know what sex they are most attracted to. Even the bi-sexual who CAN go either way, usually HAVE a "main" preference.
I think the fact that you have this desire for men probably means you "swing" both ways. The thing is though, ARE you being fair on your GF? If you have this "secret fantasy life" where you look at men having sex with men, you use sex toys en lieu of a "male partner". And she (your GF) can not DO that for you. She is a woman. You are fantasizing about men.
Let's swing it on it's ear a minute. Let's say SHE is also into both sexes. But in order to have sex with you, she fantasize about women. NOT you. When she is by her self and want pleasure, she thinks about women, not you.
HOW would you feel? Inadequate? A little cheated? Like YOU aren't enough?
While she many not FEEL that way - it's BECAUSE she (I presume) doesn't KNOW about your fantasies and your thoughts on "Am I gay or not?". If she did, she probably would.
Would YOU want to be with someone who wants something TOTALLY different than you? That would feel like you are "settling" for being with your GF who is a woman.
I can't imagine ANY woman wanting to be with a man who RATHER be with a man. To be some man's "beard" so HE can "seem" average on the outside, so HE can have a family. It's not like MOST of society in the Western World have issues with gay people living together, marrying, dating, having a family, even.
Your relationship ISN'T just about you. There are two of you there. Her and you. If you have an overwhelming desire to be with men, and would RATHER be with a man over a woman, ARE you being fair to your GF by staying with her?
Can you be "SOLID" with your GF? Long term?
While I get fantasies, I think they are mostly escapism and entertainment, but there comes a point for SOME people where they become an obsession or really the "truth".
And one thing you might want to consider is that the sexual act is NOT a be all or end all for a long term relationship. As in you have MORE than just sex with your GF, you have a relationship, while you fantasize about gay sex, DO you also WANT a relationship with a man, whatever THAT might entail? Fantasies only take you so far. It's a little movie in your head that YOU direct and star in. It only goes so deep. It's about lust and make believe. Reality is usually VERY different.
Only you can figure this out FOR YOU.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (6 March 2020):
 Why stick a label on it? Maybe instead of basing your decision purely on a person's gender, you look for the PERSON who makes you feel fulfilled and who you cannot imagine not being in your life? Some studies state that nobody is 100% gay or hetero, that everyone has in them the capability of being attracted to people of either gender and that some, possibly like yourself, can easily feel attracted to either sex.
All I would add is that cheating is cheating, regardless of what sex the other person is. While being in a committed relationship does not mean we stop feeling attracted to other people, what we choose to do about that attraction defines our morals.
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