A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been best friends with this guy for about 9 months now. When we first met at work, he flirted with me constantly, touched my butt after giving hugs, made sexual references every day, and a few days in; he actually told me that he has had sex with another guy before. Our chemistry was stronger than anything I've ever felt before, our friendship was easily kindled, but there was always unspoken sexual tension. It seemed like whenever something somewhat sexual came up, an awkward silence would start. The flirtiness lasted about a month, he was more than boyfriend material, I thought he was soul mate material. I knew he had a girlfriend of a year and a half, I looked past it because I've broken up plenty of cover-up relationships. Yet two months into our "friendship" he told me he didn't want to lead me on, and that he values our friendship and wants me to be happy and find the perfect guy. That was at the point when the relationship with his girlfriend was at a high point. His girlfriend always keeps him down, yells at him for things that arn't his fault.So after that point, his flirtiness only came out when I got him drunk. But every night we spent together, we slept in the same bed. Once school started and he started to become busy with sports, we talked about once a week. Three months into the school year I finally called and told him I can't do this one time a week thing, he needs to put more effort into us or there won't be an us. He didn't fight me on that, and I stood by my conviction. Two weeks later, I get voicemails saying he mises me, etc. Everyone around us thought he was very sexually confused, I think the same, and his girlfriend is against him hanging out with gay men, which I find a little odd. I really love this guy, but I don't know if waiting around will have the outcome I desire. Can you help me out here?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2009): He seems like he only wanted a fling at the beginning but as things went on he soon realized that you are more than just a few fling, but your a friend that he values. I don't think your going to be more than just a friend. Even if you would hit it off, I think it would be on the hush, hush, down low kind of thing. I mean you can confront him about it to confirm it. I think he likes people to know he has a gf. and he seems like the kind of guy who would want to bring a girl home to see mom and dad, than to bring home a guy, no affence. Place everything down in your mind and see what you come up with, but still this guy can fill in a lot of the blanks for you, don't be scared just do it just do it like jumping into a cold lake, you don't think about it, you just do it.
A
male
reader, NightLad  +, writes (28 April 2009):
 Hello,
It sounds like you have a good grasp of the situation.
Let me start by saying; I have been where you are, more or less. You must understand that the outcome you desire may simply be beyond your friend’s ability to provide at this point. Consider; your friend seems to be confused or in denial about his sexual identity, while you are an out gay man. The type of open and healthy relationship you desire can only be experienced with somebody equally affirmed in their wants and desires and sexual orientation.
He may love you very much, perhaps even to a point very close to romantic love, but for whatever reason he does not seem ready to confront those feelings in a way that would change the dynamic of your relationship. Just because he has had sex with a guy in the past does not necessarily mean he is ready to acknowledge being emotionally attracted to another male in a romantic sense. People can be very selective in the way they view themselves.
You mentioned that in the past you’ve been involved with other guys who were in “cover-up relationships.” A year and a half seems like a long time to maintain a cover-relationship. I think you may have to accept that he does have real feelings for this girl, and she for him. Realize that whatever else, she has shared a year and a half of his life and you cannot be so dismissive of their relationship.
I urge you to consider that pursuing a relationship with him while he is still in a long-term relationship with her is ill-advised. No man can serve two masters, and that is just what you will be demanding of him. The stress will spill over into all areas of your relationship and cause heartache and issues, not the least of which may be resentment on his behalf.
Perhaps your friend came close to confronting his feelings for you, and how acknowledging them may impact his life, and chose to back away. Perhaps he did some soul searching and came to the honest conclusion that he cannot feel for you what you feel for him. Only he can say for sure, and for better or worse it sounds as though he has already given you his answer. Actions often speak louder than words.
If you feel that there are still some unresolved boundaries of your relationship that need clarification, than I advise you to sit down and speak with him about it. However, before that conversation, you need to sit down and clarify your own feelings towards the relationship. Will you be able to remain friends if he does not wish to be anything more than that? Will you be able to firmly tell him that keeping your platonic friendship will mean not being flirty, because it will hurt too much? Will you love him enough to let him go if you can’t?
When you speak to him, try to keep perspective of his point of view in all of this. Don’t offer conditions that he can’t meet, because even if he does return your love, the dynamics of the relationship are not equal. Also, remember that if your relationship is destined to be one of platonic friendship you should try to move on romantically. Don’t let unrequited love hold your heart on pause. Believe me.
I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx  +, writes (27 April 2009):
 it sounds like he is confused at the minute and he is doing his best to not let his girlfriend or you down. if his girlfriend doesnt like him hanging around with you then he cant please both.i would suggest that you give him space, he needs to work out what he wants for himself. you could try talking to him openly about how he feels, and ask him what sexuality he is. just say that you are confused by the way he is acting and ask him questions to clear things up for you. x
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