A
male
age
51-59,
*omass
writes:I am in a relationship with a guy for 6 years, we have never lived together and there is a 21yr age gap. I am 43. He used to be married and has two grown up kids in their early 30s, both in straight relationships, one with a kid of their own. Although we all accept each other, I am sure ultimately they would have preferred their father to be still with their mother etc. We only see each other every weekend, alternating at each other's as we are 150 miles apart in the week. We have done the odd Christmas and family wedding but it is always a bit strained, especially as the ex-wife still plays her part. My problem is, although I love my partner deeply, there never seems to be the opportunity for us to be permanently together. He has 'willed' his estate to his kids which is fair enough, I have my own place and a reasonable income. I would like us to live together but this is a problem as we would need to keep our estates separate, if we become civil partners it could be a problem for both our estates. I feel there is little reciprocity in the relationship despite feelings of love. I feel I will always take second place to his children especially now there is grandchildren and the prospect of more. Last wkend I stayed with him and had a job interview in his area which gave us the first genuine opportunity to build a life together full time. His son was in the city that Monday and my partner did not tell me and chose his son over me, I would never have known his son was in town except I found out by accident. I had assumed we would have spent the extra day together but he did not even tell me that it was not on the cards. In the early days this sort of rejection and exclusion really hurt, especially when I was actively excluded from family events when he felt he was not ready to introduce me. It has opened old wounds and it has set me back a great deal and I am struggling to come to terms with my feelings of hurt and rejection. I don't know if I'm the one in the wrong, am I being unreasonable? My experience in the relationship is that if I lean on him I end up being pushed further away, so find it best not to rock the boat. I feel so hurt at the moment that is has been difficult for me to hide it and I can barely speak to him since the weekend, such is the level of frustration. We have spoken on the 'phone and he thinks my reaction to his lack of consultation is a bit strong and feels his is being blamed and his reaction is defensive. I now feel stuck, such are my negative feelings I do not feel able to empower myself to rise above them. I will see him on Friday but such are my feelings right now I cannot see how to move on and how to make things right again. I know I will always play second fiddle and although I might not like it, I can accept that. I just don't know where to go from here, any ideas? Should I stick around, despite the uneasy feelings at present? Should I make a break and try and ride out the pain of separation? I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face. Should I try and broker agreement in how we can go forward from here? I feel I don't want to lose any more or me and how I can regain some ground but on an equal footing. I feel out of my depth, there seems to be no help group for someone in my situation and I don't know where to turn. There are groups for gay dads, groups for wives of gay men and groups for kids with gay days, there doesn't seem to be a support group for gay men in relationship with formerly 'straight' men with a wife and kids. Does anyone have any sources of information they know about to help me?
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male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (1 July 2010):
 the problem is you two both live far away from each other- kids will always come first and if you cannot accept that you dont have to be in this relationship.
the physical distance is related to the emotional distance
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): There may be no specific 'support group for gay men in relationship with formerly 'straight' men with a wife and kids', but there are plenty of straight women in relationships with guys who've a previous wife and kids (what's the difference really?), and almost certainly somewhere you could canvass their advice, be it online or wherever.
'I feel I will always take second place to his children'...yes, you will. Part of the deal. Gay/straight has nothing to do with it. Somebody's kids are automatically the most important thing in their lives, more so than themselves and their spouses. Or certainly should be. You shouldn't have any problem with this.
But it seems you do...
'His son was in the city that Monday and my partner did not tell me and chose his son over me, I would never have known his son was in town except I found out by accident. I had assumed we would have spent the extra day together but he did not even tell me that it was not on the cards.'
Get over yourself. 'He chose his son over me'...sounds like a warped view of the situation. Why look at it that way? I hope you haven't you gone into a hissy-fit over the issue and taken it out on him and provoked a stupid 'me first' dramatic tiff about it.
I do agree that he should have consulted you first - though 'informed' is a better word than 'consulted' which would imply that he needed your permission. So: why didn't he? Perhaps he feared that you'd react that way, so decided not to bother telling you. 'I feel so hurt at the moment that is has been difficult for me to hide it and I can barely speak to him'...that would suggest that his fears were justified. I'd like to know: if he HAD told you in advance, would you have been completely OK and understanding about it? If not, why not?
'he thinks my reaction to his lack of consultation is a bit strong'...maybe he's got a point. This has echoes of the classic fire-breathing wrathful 'if you'd sooner spend time with your friends or family than me, FINE and I'm NOT pissed off, that's up to you' gruelling tactic employed by manipulative wives/girlfriends (or husbands/boyfriends) who expect to be the be-all and end-all of their Significant Other's lives.
I'm not trying to attack you or sound unsympathetic, but there are a few hints here of a 'me me me' attitude on your part, and if that's the case, it will certainly strain the relationship. Don't suffocate him. Don't be clingy. Everyone needs room to breathe.
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