A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so here it is...my girlfriend (21) and I (24) have been dating for 4 years now, most of it a long-distance relationship until we moved in together.She suffers from severe ulcerative colitis, and she's had episodes every year we've been together. We've gotten through the pretty well, and I was alwaysthere to fully support her. I love her very very much and I know she loves me as well. However, since we moved in together, she has been VERY sick, the worst and longest episode to date...for thoseof you that don't know, Ulcerative Colitis is extremely debilitating, and causes a whole slew of complications...the most notable are blood loss, weight loss, hair loss (in extreme cases). Now,she is a very beautiful girl, very pretty face. She was always slim to begin with, and didn't have the curviest or well-endowed body. Since she has been so sick, she has lost a LOT of weight, looks very frail,and on top of that, about half of her hair has fallen out. We haven't had enjoyable sex in almost a year. Now let me say, that although I've been supportvie to the best of my ability, it has been killing me inside because I am now not attracted to her at all, and I haven't beenfor almost a year. I find myself checking out every decent girl on the trains, streets, etc. and have started watching porn again, something i Struggled with in the past but have kept in check for the most part while bneing with her.The whole thing has caused me to constantly cast a critical eye on our relationship, and her. Her imperfections have been glaring me in the face, and Im starting to panic about what I've gotten myself into with a sick girl. She is on a treatment right nowthat looks very promising and she is getting better by the day, but I'm wondering if I have the patience to see her through this. I feel like I'm in my prime and I'm wasting the best years of my life. AM I BEING SELFISH FOR WANTING DIFFERENT WOMEN???
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010): Thank you to everyone's insights...I will continue for now and still love her for who she is. Just for the record, I have been by her side, unwavering MANY MANY times while she was sick through our entire relationship, through sleepless nights, hospitals, missing work and a semester of school to be by her side...because I love her. I'm only human, I'm a very sexual human, and it's a struggle for me. Not giving myself any excuses, just trying to work this out, the most trying and confusing ordeal of my life. Thanks again to everyone!
A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (28 May 2010):
 You can't force yourself to be with her, and it not fair for you to stay with her because you feel sorry for her.
It is hard to be with a person who you don't find attractive, and you are not married to her, so I feel it might be better for both of you to go your separate ways.
It would be best to do break up sooner than later, and be gentle with her if you decide to call it quits.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): The sad thing is, you may leave her and never meet another girl like her. Hopefully she will recover and will return to her attractive self, you may want to get back together as she be the whole package again but she will have seen your selfish side and say no...but I can understand your struggle. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): Might I also add, that we get along really well and enjoy each
other's company...but is it realistic to think I can go on in relationship where everything is there but the physical attraction? In a way, I'm scared to move on because I don't know if I'll find another girl I get along with that well. I'm so confused, please help!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): I'm the author of the post...Not so...I feel like I'm wasting time that I could use to go out and do things and enjoy life. Please understand that I don't have a social life anymore because of this, nor do we do anything enjoyable. All i'm saying is I want to live, live meaning being out and about, going out to dinners, hiking, shopping, travelling, etc.
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A
female
reader, AnOldSoul  +, writes (28 May 2010):
No, you are not being selfish. The fact that you are concerned that this is the way you feel indicates that this is not a matter of selfishness. You see, if you weren't altruistic, you would simply leave without questioning if you are a bad person and if this is fair.
The sad true is, that your feelings are natural. At your age, sex is very important (not that it isn't important in later year, but you have all the energy you need to release). Also, being attracted to someone is something that comes naturally and you cannot force those feelings. And, I am afraid, relationship without a mutual attraction is doomed to fail.
I am not saying "leave her" or "do not leave her". All I am saying is that you need to decide how much more time you wil give for things to pick up and if they do not by then, the relationship has little chance to survive. It is only natural that a young person wants to spend their life with a healthy person and loses attraction to the weakness he sees (afterall we are animals and all that might be connected to the natural selection).
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): This is a really sad state of affairs. Your feelings are very normal. After 4 years in a relationship - even with a perfectly healthy girl - many people find they no longer have any desire to continue. It may well be that this relationship has had its day and the time has come to move on. You must be careful to hurt her as little as possible, but you should not stay with this girl merely out of pity. That isn't right and, in the long run, it isn't fair to either of you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 May 2010):
 Well, yes, you are being selfish. What is it that you feel you're "wasting"? The ability to attract and sleep with beautiful women?
I guess what's painfully clear is that you do not love this sick girl. That's your choice, and if you're going to end it with her, do it gently and don't just cheat on her or dump her via phone or text.
You have the choice - stay with this woman who loves you and face the effects of sickness (that's why in marriage, the "in sickness and in health" vow is there, but you haven't made that with her), or leave her and find some women who isn't sick.
Your guilt and conscience is bothering you now about this, but that's not enough to equal love. In a sense, if you don't love her and you leave her, you might be opening the door for another man to enter her life who will be hopelessly in love with her and not care about her external appearance.
So, your choice.
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