A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy at a bar last September, gave him my number, and the next day he sent me a text. It had been a fairly drunken night for me, and I couldn't really remember him, but he wanted me to come over and hook up, so I went for it. Pretty soon it turned into a FWB relationship. I would go over 1-2 nights a week, we'd hook up, then I'd go home. After a couple months though I started sleeping over more often, we talked more and got to know each other better, and our cuddling seemed very intimate and sweet to me. We also went out to a few parties together, but never on a date just the two of us. We never discussed our feelings or defined the relationship but I assumed we were still just doing the friends with benefits thing, even though we'd gotten to know each other a little more personally by this point. After a while I stopped hooking up with other guys because he was fulfilling all my needs and I assumed the same about him.So about two months ago I was feeling really ready to be in a relationship again, having been single for over a year. Under the impression that things with this guy probably weren't gonna go anywhere, I started dating others (but still continued to hook up with him). One night I decided to talk with him and let him know that I might start dating other people and at some point we were going to have to stop hooking up. He got real quiet and upset and told me he didn't want to stop spending time with me and confessed that he had grown to care about me. I had grown to really care about him by this point as well. I brought up being "exclusive" but the word seemed to scare him, and eventually he told me that about two months prior he'd started hooking up with another girl. I felt pretty hurt by this and basically gave him an ultimatum... I wasn't comfortable continuing to hook up with him knowing there was someone else in the picture (especially since me and him were having unprotected sex). I guess he wasn't as interested in her though because he told me he was willing to be sexually exclusive with me... still just not sure about the idea of a relationship. I told him if he met someone else in the future and wanted to start hooking up with her that was fine, but he needed to let me know so I could get out. He said that was fine, and we could try out this exclusive thing for a month or so and he'd see how he was feeling.Well, we are still hooking up, sleeping over, etc. We've ever spent a few nights together where we haven't hooked up at all. But we have yet to discuss this situation again. We're in college and he'll be in town over the summer, and yesterday he talked to me about my fall schedule to see when during the week we'd be able to hang out. I guess this means he still sees himself wanting to spend time with me a few months down the road, but by that point we'll be nearing a year of hooking up with each other, and I feel like this either needs to be a relationship or I need to get out. I care about him a lot and don't want to end things but it's frustrating not knowing "what we are." I know he doesn't like talking about feelings much, so maybe that's why he hasn't brought it up on his own, but this is something I have been thinking about a lot. Should I talk to him again and ask how he's feeling lately? I'm just not sure how to go about it.Thanks for the help and thoughts, I appreciate it :)
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drunk, friend with benefits, text, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2012): It's just sex to him. I'm being blunt because you need to take your head out of the clouds. It's JUST sex to HIM. That's it. It he wanted a relationship you'd be in one. He's using you because he knows you'll let him.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 June 2012):
 THE OP SAID:
“I always hear that if a guy wants to pursue a relationship he will, and that makes a lot of sense to me. Clearly something is still holding him back even though he seems to have some level of interest beyond the sex. I'm just not sure what.”
You hear correctly. IF he wanted a full relationship with you, you would know it. His interest is in sex.
IF you doubt that his interest is just about sex… stop having sex with him and see what happens. People that JUST want sex are not stupid enough to treat you totally like the handy penis holder you are… he will be kind. He will be “FRIENDS” I mean after all it’s called FRIENDS with benefits… but to be honest, if you are having sex with him on a regular basis (or even irregularly) it’s just about the sex even if the times you are together seem fun and friendly and flirty… even men want SOME connection to the person they are sticking it too… I mean why else would prostitutes offer the “girlfriend” experience….
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2012): OP he's not interested in a relationship with you. That's what's holding him back.
You have to look beyond your hopes and all these false little signs and reasons and look at the facts here. You're his fuck buddy for a year and he hasn't done anything to change that he'd know by now whether he wanted more wouldn't he? So just talk to him.
Be careful though OP you're the perfect girl for him to use because leaving him is not an option for you so he can play the 'maybe in the future' card and you'll accept that. It's been a year, the time is now. If he can't give you a definitive yes now then he never will. Nothing else will cut it OP. Maybe, not yet, I'm not a relationship person are definite 'no's'.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (4 June 2012):
 To be honest, I've been in the exact situation, but I was the one wanting more rather than the girl I was in the FWB with, so I know how it feels and how deceiving it can seem that it's going somewhere serious.
And no problem, that's what I'm here for, hope I helped.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah when we started hooking up he told me straight up, "just so you know, I'm not looking for a relationship." and at the time I was like "yeah, that's cool" because I wasn't either. As time went by though, I just felt more and more like a relationship was what I wanted (not necessarily with him) but since I like spending time with him and I really enjoy our sexual relationship I figured he should have first dibs if he was interested in that as well. I didn't expect to end up caring about him as much as I do now and I don't think he anticipated wanting to spend so much time with me outside the bedroom either... we went on a weekend trip with his friends a couple weeks ago and even go to the gym together some mornings lol.
I always hear that if a guy wants to pursue a relationship he will, and that makes a lot of sense to me. Clearly something is still holding him back even though he seems to have some level of interest beyond the sex. I'm just not sure what.
I really appreciate you reading and answering my question! It's nice getting an outsider's perspective.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (4 June 2012):
Well as long as you're not putting all your eggs into this basket because IMO it doesn't sound promising.
I mean, if you start FWB and you both genuinely wanted to advance into a relationship, it'd be done as soon as possible and it wouldn't take any thought. I always see FWBs in this light, the very fact that you're having sex outside of a relationship, shows that either one or both of the people don't see the other as relationship material, they're just somebody who is convenient and willing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also want to add that he's never been in a relationship before, and I think he has a warped perception of what it means to be in a relationship. I don't have a lot of expectations in a relationship as far as going out on dates and stuff but I think that's what he thinks it will involve. Also forgot to add that I hang out with his friends a lot and they always ask when we're gonna start dating, I'm not just hearing that from my friends.
If someone else came into the picture that I was really interested in, I would have no issue pursuing that, even though I do care about this guy, but no one else has shown up.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (3 June 2012):
So he will continue to have sex with 'only you' but not make it official? I'm sorry but I don't buy that at all, he's getting easy sex and I'm 99% sure he's not going to have stopped seeing this other woman as well.
If he is 'sexually exclusive' with you and cares about you and would be upset that he won't get to see you again, why won't he form a relationship with you? Simple answer, because he's a player and he knows exactly what to tell women to manipulate them into bed, as shown here.
Very rarely, people in bars will not make good relationship material, as you've found and I have also experienced this, they're good for hookups. He hasn't even taken you on a date, he has taken you to parties and then had sex with you, what a catch.
Stop letting this guy talk you into bed, if he wanted to be your BF, he would of been a long time ago, simple as that. It doesn't take 12 months of having sex with someone to develop feelings.
If I were you, I'd give this one up and continue looking for someone who will give you what you're looking for.
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