A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Bad luck with love! Is it true that some people are unlucky with love? Finding the "one"? Having a serious relationship and growing old together? I'm starting to think I'm going to have that problem. I'm turning 25 soon and I've only had one boyfriend. Great guy but we broke up due to him moving to another state. I was 23 at the time so that was when I got into my 1st relationship. I was embarrassed of course, but it happened. Now since my birthday is approaching, and my old high school friends are now married with kids I think it's never going to happen to me. When I try to date someone new, it starts off lovely but a month or two later it goes downhill. I honestly don't know why I'm not lucky with love. I will say I work alot, I can work up to 40-60 hours a week. I mean, it's better than sitting at home doing nothing or be reminded that I'm still single. But I can cut back, I don't mind working 20-30 hours a week. Due to me working so much I have a lovely bank account. I'm proud of myself, very proud. Another thing that I'm very proud of is that I'm so close to be graduating with my degree. I cried when I found out, I didn't think that day would come. But I'm almost there and I'm so happy, so very happy. I plan to go back to school to go further, I even started the classes that I need. But I'm extremely scared that I will end up "successful" and will remain single. All I hear is "your time will come", "be patient", "love will find you"? I understand all of that, but I'm sure only having one relationship will make your mind wonder. I do attract a nice amount of guys, but sex is they only thing they want from me. I'm a beautiful, very silly girl, who loves to help others. But I want a serious relationship. I was considering to move to another state "LA", I live in FL. Maybe I'll have better luck there, but I'm scared that I won't and it'll be the same as it is in FL. After my 1st breakup, I was heartbroken so I didn't date until 7 months later. I met a very nice guy, but after a couple of months of dating and only having sex once he didn't want commitment. He's still in my life but as a friend, he does blame me for the downfall. I will admit I did push him away but that's because I felt like he was playing with my emotions. Next guy I met a couple of months later, we were great at first but that same thing happened, I felt like he was stringing me along. So I walked away again, he's in my life but I can do without. I don't have sex with neither of them. I can honestly say I'm not ready for children, but a relationship I am. Now, all my friends are talking marriage and I don't say anything because I don't think it's going to happen. So I'll just say I'm happy for you and change the subject. They try to be supportive, but if you haven't experience what I am how can they understand how I feel? I feel like a bad friend but I don't like to be around them alot, they always want to bring up their bfs, like I can relate. Plus there never single, they always had a boyfriend. I also get annoyed when people ask me why am I single? I don't know why, one boyfriend and tons of failed attempts over and over again, it's not encouraging. It's making me sad that I prefer not to try again until I graduate and move to another state. I do have standards, but there not unbelievable. I'm just frustrated and semi jealous at people who don't have trouble finding love like I do. I do have single friends but they get boyfriends with ease somewhere down the line. I know people who've been together since high school, like how in the world did that happen? My ex did reach out to me after 9 months of no contact, he has moved on but he did say he was happy with me and how we had a great relationship. But I'm fine without him.I've tired online dating and oh my, it was horrible! Sex is what most of them are looking for. I can honestly say that I've given up on dating until I move.Any advice? Is it me? Should I see a psychic? I'm just really frustrated, I thought by taking my time and becoming a better person, loving myself, not jumping from guy to guy, learning to be alone and knowing what I want from the opposite sex would have helped me have a great guy. But it doesn't feel that way. A part of me wants to move before I get my degree.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2016): I didn't read all the other replies so please forgive me if I'm being redundant.
Yes, men like having sex. Men also like to have sex before committing to make sure they are sexually compatible with you.
I kind of doubt if you will have much luck just from moving-- unless you reinvent yourself a bit because chances are it IS you, not them. [I take it back. You should move. Tons of crazy people in FL. Probably lots in LA, too. Why don't you move further than LA? :]
It sounds to me like you are comparing yourself too much to your friends. We all do it, but some of us stress ourselves out more than others over the comparisons.
Which would you rather be, the girl who rushed to marry just to keep up with her friends, but probably ends up divorcing OR the girl who found a good mate and had a long and happy relationship?
Why didn't you have a bf before 23? Probably because you didn't feel ready? That is fine! And you say you can't relate to your friends when they want to talk about BFs. But you did have a BF, so can't you just remember how things were and talk to your friend? It's not good to avoid your friends...
Speaking of friends, why don't you ask your friends (or their BFs) to set you up with nice guys? That seems to work well for lots of people.
Best of luck!
A
female
reader, Keeley345  +, writes (19 February 2016):
Reading your post made me remember my own relationship experiences and I felt just like you do back then. As a teenager I was never interested in dating although my bff's were dating and even went on to marry their childhood sweethearts. I was happy and focused on being a teenager and having fun. But...people found this weird and told me so. It was like me not dating was a crime! Well according to society, I should have been dating etc
So...by age 19 I was under pressure to settle down, even though I was happy to take my time dating. On one occasion at age 23, a workmate rudely said to me "looks like you're going to be single forever" WHAT! At age 23??? Looking back now I see how stupid and insulting that comment was. But at that time it hurt and I believed it.
Because of the pressure people were putting on me to date, I became desperate and would end up dating any guy who paid me attention and these 'relationships' ended in disaster with me getting hurt badly. By age 25 I was even more desperate and ended up with the boyfriend from hell! Along with this disaster of a relationship, I was also struggling in a job I hated. Well, the relationship ended badly, no surprise there and I left my job and struggled to find another one.
I quickly slipped into a deep depression which required medical help. I was at rock bottom now and questioning my self worth and my approach to romance. I decided to become celibate, in other words abstain from dating etc and focus in other things, mainly myself. I knew I could not continue the way i was. So I focused myself on doing ALOT of soul searching and decided to pursue a career. I went to university/college and got a degree!!! Yay! I turned adversity into triumph and for 4-5 years romance was the last thing on my mind.
Now...I feel ready to date. I'm 31 and know I am not the person I was before. I know my true self worth and have achieved sooo much that I am astounded by my own strength. And the beautiful thing is other people see it too. And of course these other people include men who are just right for me. I am getting attention from all the right men and i am able to make better choices now.
I blame the media and romance films&books for making out that love is some fairytale where we all live happily ever after. This is REAL life! Prince charmings don't exist however... There are good people out there. No one is prefect so seeking perfection is a waste of time. Will you and I meet someone and have a happy relationship?
I say why wouldn't we? Who knows what the future holds? I certainly never thought I'd be as happy as I am now and as im attracting decent men...well I stand a good chance at finding someone to settle down with. But don't over romanticise relationships.
I wanted to share my own experiences as they may help you in some way. You are not alone in feeling like you do xxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2016): There is no such thing as a psychic. They are people who prey on your gullibility and naivete. Get that nonsense out of your head.
No, there is no such thing as people unlucky with love. There are people who are too needy, too impatient, or too entitled. People with absolutely no patience. Wanting everything this instant, or yesterday. Dummies with all kinds of ridiculous notions and excuses. People who collapse and give-up under the first experience with rejection. They lack confidence and optimism. It has nothing to do with luck. It's all about attitude.
Love is evasive, elusive, and forces you to seek it. You must date as regularly as possible, but allow yourself to get to know people before attaching feelings to them. You have to also date just for the shear fun of it. Not always on a manhunt. Carrying a net or snake hook to snare the first attractive male you see. Never look at a guy with hungry eyes. He will flee! If you have the attitude you describe in your post, that hinders on desperation.
That's not good! Love yourself first. Be your own best friend. Then you'll trust and be good to yourself. That preps you for love. It makes you more lovable and attractive to both men and women; but in difference ways of course. Being attractive to people means you have a magnetism and exude positive vibes. Looks have nothing to do with that. That comes from within, and shines on the outside.
Guys usually date a variety of women; and usually get an upper-hand on personality-types. This makes them more selective and less likely to commit. That's the downfall. Women often try to attach to the first guy who's nice to them. If you can control that and slow down; you can meet guys and evaluate the type best suited for your personality. Thereby establishing a workable romantic connection. Compatibility. Which nurtures longevity in relationships.
Being jealous of other females should not be the motive behind looking for a man. You will snatch-up the first available guy, and that almost always fails. You are trying to show them you can get one, for the sake of appearances. That has nothing to do with feelings, chemistry, or common sense. That's purely ego. Let them talk about marriage and so forth! Finding a good "match" is not that easy. For them, finding a date might be. Mainly because they put themselves out there. They aren't just sitting around whining about why they can't find a guy. They make themselves visible, pretty themselves up, find interesting things to do out in the open; and by chance they meet men.
Learn to find a guys in interesting places. Date, enjoy the company, evaluate his personality; and reserve your feelings until he reciprocates some indication he is attracted to you. People hop into bed, and assume that means there's chemistry. You may attach feelings, he may not. Then what?
Date several times without sex; but be romantic. Kiss and make out. Test his romantic skills, ability to exchange affection, and wait to see how often he wants to see you.
Even if you don't give-up sex easily.
When a guy really likes you, he will stick around. He'll find reasons to come back and he'll stay in-touch on a pretty regular basis. Don't expect it to be every single hour and every day. Demanding constant attention and catering to your insecurities. Give a guy breathing room. We take longer to figure-out what we feel and how to express it. It's a guy thing.
Here's a few detailed words of advice. Men of good character don't leave question marks above your head. They consistently treat you right. They let you know exactly how they feel about you. If there are question marks, he's the wrong guy. Let go, right then and there. Don't try to salvage something that doesn't even exist. Know when to throw in the towel if nothing seems right.
Oh, by the way! You have to treat him right in return. It's not all about you. It seems women often think it's all up to the guy to behave properly. It goes 50/50! No whining and nagging. Using tears or sex for manipulation. Demanding constant reassurances and being unnecessarily high maintenance. Then wondering what happened when he dumps you hard and cold. Exude confidence and mental-stability. Weaklings and frumps make bad girlfriends. They're boring and suck the strength out of you. So be aware of your own weaknesses and faults, and you're more likely to work on them. That makes you more attractive and worthy of a good man.
It takes patience, perseverance, and a positive attitude.
Don't go on a mission looking for love; because love finds you. Not the other way around. Your job is to be visible, likable, confident, independent, and strong. That attracts quality guys. Having these traits is a good foundation to build relationships on. Being miserable, pessimistic, and cynical reflects poorly in your attitude. The vibe is a turnoff, and repels men like mosquito repellent wards off mosquitoes.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (19 February 2016):
 Just take one ball at a time. Put the ducks in order ie. set out your priorities and tick them off one after another. You are trying to juggle too many problems at the moment.
You are just adding to your worries when they all become entangled like they have. Focus! One thing at a time. Put the ducks in order and shoot them down one by one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2016): I completely understand where you're coming from! All I see, every single day, on facebook are people I went to school with moving in with their boyfriends, getting engaged, having babies! I'm 24, and my boyfriend of 6 years dumped me in november so I'm back to square one. We were literally about to move in together too, which I've desperatley wanted for a few years now. And i'm still stuck at home with my mum...What I've come to realise is everyone is on a different path. Just because people we know seem to have everything WE want, doesn't mean we won't eventually have that. It'll come to us, it has to! Just try and be positive about the whole thing.What I found when I was single, if I changed my mind set from "I really want to find a boyfriend" to "I'm just going to enjoy my life", that's when I'd find potential boyfriends. It sounds strange but that's how it worked for me! You say alot of your friends are in relationships, are there single friends you work with that you can spend more time with?Just take the focus off you're want for a relationship. Go out and enjoy life, spend some of your hard earned cash! Enjoy being single whilst you can, men are massive pains in the arse! I hope this helped somewhat :)
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