A
female
age
51-59,
*edup007
writes: My husband is one minute abusive and the next acting like the victim. Yesterday he screamed at me because I had cut the grass on the front lawn too short! All the while he was sat with his feet up in the back garden. Later in the afternoon he screamed at me in the kitchen "calling me a stupid fucking bitch" and then smashing cutlery, all because he was angry at me. I try to talk to him but he sits behind the door in the study stopping me from entering. I have 2 children from a previous relationship and they hear what goes on and this makes me feel like a failure. I met my husband 6 years ago and I sold my home, moved location away from family and friends, my children changed schools all to be with him (at this time he was the perfect man, so attentive and so kind). We bought a house together (he never put the house in my name). I paid off £10,000 of his debts and paid for a luxury holiday for us all. Soon the money was spent and that's when he changed. He said I was a sponger (he is a high earner, while I earn very little). How he has to pay for everything. Nothing I do is good enough. He sits in the study and surfs the net most weekends and justifies it by saying he hates spending time with me and how I make his life a misery. I know he looks at porn and rings porn sex lines (yet we have not had sex this year). When I questioned him about it and told him I would not put up with it any longer, he justifies it by saying he only does it because he knows it "pisses me off".I never thought this could happen to me. How did I end up putting up with this abuse? The mind games that have gone on for the past 6 years have taken their toll. I have told him I want a divorce and he says he is not moving out of our home (which I don't understand as he always tells me he hates me so much and he could fund rented accommodation for himself until we can legally divide our assets). I am looking for houses to rent as I cannot put myself or my children through anymore. I always believed it was my fault and there was something wrong with me, now im beginning to see its him with a problem and he will never change. I just feel so alone as I have not told anyone about the abuse and I just need help, advise, something
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): Hello, I am sorry you are going through this. I too am going thru somethings in my life. I have a boyfriend that I have met five years ago and we share a daughter. He has two daughters with two other women ages 19 and 16. The 16 year old is a sneaky coniving little bitch. She has done so many things and he continues to defend this little girl. She has a record she has had sexually transmitted diseases and gets straight F's in school. I have A and B students and he is so jealous of that, it hurts him. He nags about little things like the front porch not being swept off, or an orange peeling in the ash tray not emptied. He constantly blames me for things and calls me names but defends his 16 year old daughter that has tried to start a fire at my house and done so many sneaky things I hate her. He never takes blame and always point the finger to me as if it is my fault. I just came to conclusion that he is unhappy with hisself. He puts me down to make his self look better but I always tell him if that makes you feel like a man by pointing the finger you must not be a real man. It pisses him, but I don't care because by that time I am pissed too. He does not put his hands on me because being a black woman with a nasty attitude it's safer to use his words than his hand because he may pull back a knub. I urge you to get away from the physically abuse if you are going thru that. It only makes your children think it is ok. I don't like arguing in front of my kids but he sometimes makes me. But I can say I am sure my children will know how to stand up to confrontation. So if nothing always give your children examples especially if you have girls. Tell them this is the kind of man you want to stay away from. This man is poison to your life, and of course he is acting funny when your money is gone because now you are dependant upon him and he loves that. I hope you work your situation out. And don't forget ALWAYS PRAY! GOD HEARS YOUR PRAYERS! THANKS
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): Run! get out of there, and make sure you see a lawyer and get a restraining order. he's the psychotic kind who will taunt you and stalk you and make your life a misery, so let him know that the law is watching him. Then move to somewhere safe, preferably another town where he can't find you. I'm sorry if I'm scaring you, but guys like that live on other's fears. We had to rescue my sister who lived through 12 years of hell, and was too scared to tell us about it, until a neighbour finally told us. Good luck, and smile, you have the rest of an awesome life ahead of you!
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (14 April 2009):
 yeah good for you!!
stand your ground!!
any if you ever need help
well we're all here for that :)
let us know how it all goes!!
best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Fedup007 +, writes (14 April 2009):
Fedup007 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers. You are right he is a cruel bitter man. Im still in disbelief at the whole whirlwind I have been in for so long. Luckily im not working today and its giving me time to collect my thoughts. I remember when he told me about his ex wife and he painted a real terrible picture of her and I believed it all!! I now feel such empathy towards her ( I met him 5 years after he separated), she must have also been through the same torture that I am now going through but she got out and soon so will I.
I no longer want to be a part of this nightmare
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): I have been in exactly the same situation as you. I left the first time he bit me - which he tried to make a joke of except I saw his face when he did it. He scared my poor child by doing things like dropping a bug knife at his feet and saying "whoops" with an evil expression on his face. He manipulated me into thinking I was the one who read things wrong or was over-reacting. You get reduced and it gets harder to get away. He tried to get me to sign a will he wrote for me, which left everything to his ex wife and children. I could not believe my eyes -but he said my son would be well looked after by his own father if anything happened to me. Perhaps he was planning that something would. My poor child had to get counselling (he was 7 years old). Your bloke is seriously disturbed and perhaps it would help you to read the Refuge website. I am also an intelligent woman, have two degrees etc etc. Yet I was so grateful for his initial kindness and calm when my life had been so unhappy. This calm turned to control to the extent he would stand in the corner of the shower while I was in there. I got some therapy with a psychologist during the split and arranged how to leave with her help. It included making sure I had our passports, bank details and other important papers. Please feel free to respond if you would like to know more. The divorce was a nightmare as he insisted on representing himself and he tried to get most of my own money despite being well off himself. In the end the judge whacked him but it got as far as a final hearing in court and me having to have a barrister as well as a solicitor. My heart goes out to you.
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (14 April 2009):
you definitely need to get yourself and your children out of there.he is playing mind games very nasty mind games as well you definitely need to tell some family or friends about what is going on.i mean look at everything you gave up for him and he treats you like this!!it's disgusting and especially when there are children involved!you really do need to get out before it's get too far.you should never think it's your fault it's all his fault he's trying to control you and make you think it's your fault.and you are very right there he will never changeeven if he tells you he has he never will.he is a very spiteful and cruel bitter man!you deserve alot better than this!6 years of believing it's your fault from him making you feel so worthless when all the while it's him whose worthless and him whose at fault!grab your children and go as far away from him as you possibly can i mean your children will clearly be unhappy as they know you are.speak to someone about the abuse that's going on and tell them you need there help.you can't go through this alone.hope this helpsand best of luck to you.
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