A
male
age
36-40,
*azanobody
writes:Dear Cupid,Around a year ago, I made a new friend. We spent a lot of time together but it was for me purely platonic, never sexual or romantic though I enjoyed our friendship. Over time I suspected he might harbor deeper feelings but always assumed he would say something. Eventually, he started reacting strangely when he saw me on a dating app. After a lot of broaching and unpacking with him, he told me he was in love with me. To be honest I felt very annoyed at him for keeping it secret, he claims he wasn't aware. He also at once point was shocked I wasn't in love with him, Im certain he literally told me "but you're in love with me too". He denies this but also when through all our messenger conversations to find evidence such as me sending a selfie full clothed in bed (I would do this with any close friends) or messaging often. We decided to give dating a try, but I wasn't transparent that I wasn't romantically or sexually there, I went against my own judgment as my friends really felt he was a catch. But physical attraction never came. I couldn't fake it. Throughout the whole process, we constantly had long discussions to check in, I didn't want him to feel abused later, I also knew he has issues with expressing what he feels. I broke it off, and over the next few months I experienced what I feel is his own powerful denial. When he doesn't want to hear the truth. This happened repeatedly. I cannot tell if he is conscious he is doing it or not. It reached a culmination when I insisted I record a 1-hour conversation for fear he would contradict himself later. A natural break arose after a respectful disagreement, 4 months later he wishes to be friends. The truth is although I had a great time with him, I don't trust him to process his own emotions, and this puts me under great pressure to feel for both of us. I don't have the capacity to do that any longer. I also am worried that once again he is burying his feelings, I can't deal with another strong reaction based on his suffering that I'm not interested in. Additionally, I am worried that he sees me as someone who has deliberately hurt him when the truth is the opposite, I gave romance a chance and it didn't flourish, he constantly jokes about killing me but I feel he resents me and perceives my lack of romantic interest has something he has been cheated of, almost an entitlement. There is a lot of ego at play. How do I kindly and respectfully handle a situation like this, I don't want to shut the door, but I also think he lacks the emotional sophistication necessary to be true friends. I wish to also fairly assess myself though I can only so so muich to consider him at the expense of my self. Help! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 June 2023):
 OK OP, you need to wish him well and cut ties 100%
You were looking for a friend, HE wasn't. So you were already on different pages and in different books.
"he constantly jokes about killing me"
He said WHAT NOW? bTHAT isn't a joke, that is a HUGE red flag! The guy is IRATE that you rejected him, romantically and sexually. You need to cut him loose NOW. That is funny!
Once someone develops romantic feelings for another person there can RARELY be a healthy friendship.
" I don't want to shut the door, but I also think he lacks the emotional sophistication necessary to be true friends."
No, stop being wishy-washy. You can't BE friends with this guy. That is not what he wants. So stop stringing him along (and that is WHAT you are doing right now).
Learn from this OP, DO NOT try and FORCE yourself to date someone you aren't ATTRACTED to. Attraction does not develop under pressure... Stockholm syndrome does!!
Wish him well, BLOCK, DELETE and move on.
A
male
reader, gazanobody +, writes (13 June 2023):
gazanobody is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your helpful answers. I will for one last walk, explain my concerns about him holding hope and that I feel being close friends might get in the way of both of us finding healthy reciprocal love. See what he says and explain it will be the last time I'm able to meet to discuss the dynamic because it's causing me anxiety to keep having love discussions which I want to preserve for romantic connections that are mutual.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (12 June 2023):
 I agree with YCBS, its unfair on either of you to continue this friendship.
The feelings he has for you are way greater than the feelings that you have for him. At the end of the day chemistry between a couple is a natural thing, if its not there now chances are it never will be, you can't force chemistry or physical attraction, which by your own admission never came for you.
The only advice I can offer you here is to break ties with him and move on with your life. I feel if you keep him a part of your life you are feeding him false hope, and thats not good for either of you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (11 June 2023):
 You want it all but being a mature adult means we have to recognise that sometimes we really cannot have it all. We then have to make a decision on what is most important and sacrifice something else. You want to stay friends with this man but you know he has a completely different agenda for your relationship, which differs completely from your agenda.
Having been in your shoes, I would advise cutting ties with him completely. His "jokes" about killing you show the depth of his hurt feelings. He does not want your friendship. If you stay friends with him, he will continue to hold onto hope that you will eventually come around to his way of thinking.
It's going to be painful (I still miss my friend, although I terminated our friendship over 20 years ago). However, it is not fair on either of you for you to continue with this friendship.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (11 June 2023):
Test
...............................
|
