A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My best friend is getting married in May this year and has asked my 5 year old daughter to be a bridesmaid. Of course my daughter is excited as this is her 1st time. We went looking for bridesmaid dresses and my friend is having to them made - which is fine, she chose a lovely design, she also picked out the shoes and tiara etc...What I'm surprised to find out just recently is that I am expected to pay for her entire outfit- £275 - normally I wouldn't mind but my husband was made redundant before Christmas and still hasn't found a job. I only work part time and we are struggling financially as it is. We have had to make so many cut backs just to keep our heads above water. My friend is aware of this, however made it clear that if my daughter wants to be in her wedding I need to pay.I asked why she didn't bring this to my attention last year when she started planning everything and she just said she assumed I'd know this and got annoyed with me for asking this.I got married 3 years ago and she was my bridesmaid and I paid for everything - shoes, hair, make up, tiara, dress so her comment baffled me some what.We don't have any family we can rely on and don't want to get a loan from the bank due to the interest rates. I can't tell my daughter she can't be in the wedding - plus the dresses have started to be made.I offered to pay the dressmaker in instalments for the dress, but the dressmaker wants it in 1 lump sum £195. My friend who was also there and heard me ask this quickly said to me "don't ask me to pay for it".. I wasnt to going to ask her but her attitude towards me was rude.My friend can't understand why I'm so upset over this. Obviously I don't expect her to pay (even though financially she is better off) but surely she could have mentioned this sooner?? Since we had this discussion she has basically been really short with me via text and cancelled a few catch ups we had planned. Was I unreasonable asking to have been told sooner? What's the best thing to do to avoid ruining our friendship- I've known her almost 20 years.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2016): I personally would not want a friend like this and would not even bother going...go take your daughter to disneyland instead. It's always about the bride's big day, but you don't trample on others with no thought.Selfish and thoughtless.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 February 2016):
 Sorry, I feel I have to insist and play devil's advocate for the poor Bridezilla. She is taking really too much flak. This was basically a misunderstanding, and a very awkward and unpleasant one. Sure , I myself or Slippers or Honeypie would have handled it differently, because it could have been handled more graciously , but let's not turn Bridezilla into this monster of greed and bad manners.
In nowadays Western weddings, bridesmaids are routinely expected to pay for their attire. Including jewelry, shoes, hair and make up. Everything. This is no secret , and if you have doubts ,check any bridal magazine or bridal website.
Of course, common sense should prevail, in any occasion and at weddings as well. Therefore if I, the bride, want my bridesmaids dressed in,say, a special silk hand spun by Tibetan monks , each yard of which costs an arm and a leg, and I know that my bridesmaids are students or housewives or any way people who will be hard put meeting the cost- I will make the generous gesture and pay for them. Or, I may want to do it anyway, because I am happy and want everybody to be happy with me and the less they spend the happier they are :).
But, I don't have to. It should not be expected or demanded from me. In current Western weddings, the idea is that the bride and groom ( or their parents ) already make a big effort to provide their guests with food, drinks, music, and flowers ; the effort does not stretch to dressing the wedding party, unless the bride and groom specifically wish to do that.
So, while the OP surely made a lovely gesture by covering the costs for her bridesmaids, that was her personal , optional choice, and albeit perhaps natural ,it's a bit unfair that she sulks because the gesture was not reciprocated.
Hers was a gift and gifts can't ever be obligations. If my friend is rich and extravagant, say, she may decide to give me a 5000 $ handbag for Xmas , but it does not mean that she can expect the same from me. Even if I technically could ( alas I can't ) . Because maybe I have a different idea about how I should spend my money, and I have any right to put my ideas in practice.
So, Bridezilla got a free bridesmaid dress out of you and did not give you a free flowergirl dress back. It seems a case of " no good deed goes unpunished ", eh ? That does not necessarily make her a monster of callousness. Maybe her wedding had more guests than yours, Op- or , she decided to spend more for the catering, or the entertainment. Or, she put the extra money toward her own honeymoon. Selfish ? Perhaps. The point is, the current
" rules " fully allow her to be selfish. Her conduct maybe makes her not the most generous person you may know, but, again, you weren't exactly entitled to expect differently.
Said that, I understand your disappointment and embarassment, this was really a lamentable misunderstanding. The problem is, if I got it right, that the seamstress has already got the fabric and started cutting the dress ?- so I don't see any easy , or in fact possible, way to back off.( In theory , you could just pull yourself and your child off the wedding, and leave Bridezilla to cope with a furious unpaid seamstress. But that's a declaration of all-out war ; not simply a distancing yourself from a not-so-good friend ). Otherwise, of course you could have chosen another dress for your child and told Bridezilla, sorry , THIS is what I can afford, take it or leave it.
What can I say, OP ?: Live and learn. Take it as a learning experience. They burnt you once,- at least if it happens again in future will know what to do and won't get burnt.
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (8 February 2016):
I have to back honey pie 100% plus if I were you I would raise how rude she was and in the fact that yes maybe you should have asked before it got to the fitting but that wasn't the case when she was your bridesmaid and for life sake this is a child ..The bride should pick up the tab I think .. I think you deserve a better friend sweetie . Chin up .
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (8 February 2016):
 Bridezilla in the making. No friend in my opinion would want to impose such an imposition given your now financial situation nor feel justified in making such rude comments. Regardless of if I could afford it or not, there is no way I would be forking out such an amount for one day on a Childs dress and accessories, nor would I expect anyone else to. I agree with the other aunts, look for something similar and cheaper. If that is not good enough for the bride then I think it is her that needs to re assess the true meaning of friendship and you the invite. Uncomfortable situation but not one caused by you. Hope things settle down and turn out for the better and don't get that far.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 February 2016):
Ouch.
Technically, your friend is right.
Just as adult members typically pay for their own attire , the same applies for the youngest attendants i.e, the children's parents pay for the outfits.
That's the general way things go, so I can believe that your friend was in good faith when she assumed you knew it and were cool with it.
Actually, the matter may get confusiong because of the fact that , if the bride can afford it, and likes to offer a sign of appreciation to her bridesmaids or flowers girls , it's a very gracious, thoughtful gesture from her to offer to pay , in total or at least partially, the costs of their outfits. And ,generally, those brides who have a substantial wedding budget and are already spending a bundle, do offer , .... thinking, well,it won't be a couple of frocks which will make much difference in the greater- and costly - scheme of things .
Or, maybe there's just some people more generous than others , regardless of budget.
The problem is that, technically they don't have to be. It's a personal choice, not a wedding " must ". Your friend chose not to be more gracious, generous and hospitable toward you- which maybe says certain things about the kind of person she is, and about her idea of friendship; but she did not do anything "wrong" per se.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2016): Absolutely agree with Honeypie.
In fact, if you really don't want to lose your friend and disappoint your daughter at the same time, there might be an option: find your own dress and shoes and so on, that would not cost like a small island. And talk frankly to your friend about your financial situation, and how your daughter is excited about this wedding. Believe me, you can find a dress of any design that would satisfy your rude (indeed rude) friend
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 February 2016):
 I DO think she should have been upfront with WHO was going to pay for the dress, because there IS tradition for both the parent (you) and the bride (her/her parents) to pay for it - so it's not like it's OBVIOUS. And YOU should have asked straight away, not PRESUMED she would pay. That way you could have either saved up, looked for a USED dress that would fit the bill or shared the costs... Waiting this long to bring it up is what has brought you in the predicament. A few google searches will show you the "flower girl cost etiquette" which should have made you ASK right away.
http://www.pinkprincess.com/who-pays-for-the-flower-girl-dresses.html
I'm sorry, I'd rather disappoint my kid, than go broke over a fake tiara and dress she will be wearing ONE day for someone's wedding who is NOT really a good friend.
Or you can break the bank and HOPE to sell the dress online afterwards to recoup SOME of the money.
I'd call the dress maker and cancel. And then your friend so she can find a new flower girl.
Your friend is being rude. If you paid for EVERYthing when she was your bridesmaid and she can't return the favor for your child knowing full well that you can't afford it, I'd skip the wedding.
I think the friendship is already ruined. I can't believe someone who calls herself YOUR friend is so utterly indifferent to your financial situation.
What does your husband say to all this?
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