A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm having problems dealing with moral dilemmas and differences between myself and friends very recently .I have one group of friends, who I guess I see more regularly because they are a single group of girls and meet up the most and do things together the most, other fiends are in relationships and we plan to see each other every so often when we can. (I'm in a reln'ship)I guess its the girls I see most regularly, while I enjoy the spontaneity and fun of the group, they are all actually full of issues out of loneliness and desperation to settle down. I want to be a good friend and a supportive friend, but juggling all the issues and helping them begins to weigh me down, and some of their actions are extremely sketchy and I deep down disagree with what they do, but try to understand its coming from desperation and cry for attention.Its this group that plan holidays and weekends away together too, which I always really get excited about, but then worry it will be a week of hearing stories which really make me cringe. we end up discussing things like, one going away with a sugar daddy and letting him spend on all his money on her, one saying the moment she has a chance she will get pregnant with some guy, because its her right, another dating a married man... men bashing conversations in general. I'm the only one seemingly not finding the humour in any of this, and instead of being away and having a refreshingly fun time, i sit and bite my lip. But I'm sure they find it refreshing to hear they are all doing these things and can share with each other, and I'm the one who appears as ' little miss perfect ' 'can't do a thing wrong' looking like I'm sitting and judging from my quiet corner.I guess I could choose to not go, but I'm sad i'm the only one in the group 'not fitting in' with the views. I have seen the better and happier sides to them all, but its a phase thats going too far and bringing the worse out in them all.I guess I'm just asking for some wisdom if anyone has been through this before and if i just need to stand back until life becomes rosier for them? What you suggest I could do to make it easier ?I call my parent today who has just come out of one long term relationship straight into another one with a woman, and i wiggled out of him he was in contact with new woman the whole way through his long term relationship, when i ask him, he fiercely reacts with everything bad the ex partner did and tries to question my own integrity on my actions. He didn't like me having the view that he wasn't innocent daddy in this whole brake up situation, which to me if he was in touch with this woman throughout, he was 50/50 to blame maybe even more. rather than me completely sympathising with him 100%. I said you don't behave tit for tat in a relationship - you should have split 2 years ago rather than run around with another woman 'behind' this long term partners back.I just end up spending the days questioning my own sanity and think I'm bad for having my disagreements or views, or maybe i live life 'by the book' too much.But seriously, I'm a very happy person in the grand scheme of life !! I have no regrets and have lived a full life pursing my passions and dreams and ambitions. With a few bumps maybe, but i get back up and go again, life doesn't wait for me attitude. But i sense this rubs people up the wrong way when i share my views on 'how to move on, take control and pursue what makes you happy' I get "well I'm more sensitive than you, i have more feelings than you, were not all 'perfect' and strong like you'But i'm not saying I'm perfect and strong, i cry, rant, rave, get whatever it is off my chest and move on because lives to short to dwell and feel like lifes victim. But I feel some friends don't like this trait of mine and possibly losing close bonds i once had with this particular group and individually with them.I find if i spend more than just an evening or a lunch, and its a overnight trip or a week holiday, i become an outsider and resent the time I'm spending.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2014): Wow, appreciate the time taken to respond , that's the kind of talking to I needed, I don't like to just take the easy road and stop seeing them, I wanted to find out how I can improve my way of dealing with these things.
I do absorb it all, and then shocked to think they stoop so low in some tales. But mostly they are in denial and justify themselves rather than laugh at how low they went. I need to learn to change the subject and divert all this drama life conversation.
I envy your close circle of friends who have your support and the patience you have with them!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2014): I give people advice and opinion on this site. I read about some pretty outrageous experiences or things that borderline illegal, or people explain some mentally unsound behavior.
Here's how I handle these things. First of all, I realize some people make-up hypothetical-situations; or they embellish, maybe exaggerate an experience in order for it to make the dramatic impact necessary for the aunts and uncles to take them seriously. I have to first put myself in that person's shoes, and draw on my own personal experiences; or exposure I've had to all sorts of things over the course of a lifetime. I realize it all comes down to life and the human experience. If they share it, they're open to opinion. That doesn't mean you have to tell them what to do. Sometimes they just want to know if you can relate to it. We're all human, have faults,quirks, and imperfections. It's reassuring to know you're not crazy or you're not the only one feeling a certain way about things.
In short, I feel you all!
Your friends are venting and confessing their sins out in the open. When you hear it out loud, you realize how wrong it is. Judgement isn't what they want from you; however, constructive criticism and humble advice will save them pain and heartache. They've probably remedied these outrageous situation long before sharing; so they are giving a recap of things they've been through while the group was apart. They are counting on their sisters to show them support. Even if they were a total bitch, or you may think it was totally out of character and uncalled for.
Never look down your knows at your friends. If things they do are too offensive, you end the friendship. You don't burn bridges, just end it.
It all comes down to learning. Nothing good comes of foolish and reckless behavior. I think these young women are intelligent enough to make the reasonable deduction that if you play with fire, you get burned. They aren't suggesting that you do anything they've done; but you do learn from their mistakes. If you act like the nun in the room, you've just destroyed your creditability and compromised their trust and confidence in you as a friend.
They can't share what they've told you with just anyone.
Remember that!!!
Someday you may be faced with similar or the exact situation; and based on how it adversely effected someone very close to you, you know exactly how to handle it. These women are giving you lessons in life. The kind of education you'll use everyday of your life. Tools for survival. Yes, they are being very self-destructive and even dumb to even consider the things they've done; but I think 99% of it is imaginary and one-uppance on the last girl's story.
Haven't you noticed, one horror story told is worse than the last one you've heard? These are just personal dramas and soap opera tales that they are sharing to have a good time and to shock the others. It may be true, but they've learned a lesson from taking risks and being adventurous. They have stories of battle to share, and to let you know either how they gained victory, or fell victim to the enemy. They get really saucy after a few drinks. You can't be too gullible. They makeup a lot of stuff, and a lot comes from gossip they've heard having their hair done.
I know. I'm gay, and my lady friends have a few margaritas and I feel like running for the door after a couple of hours. So I know how shocking these tales can be. These women are educated professional females, and I'd expect a lot more. They are just people. They are sometimes impulsive and impetuous. I know they know better; but we share all our victories, and the agony of defeat.
Don't judge them too harshly. Pick and choose what you want to hear. It will give you palpitations if you try to absorb it all; because a lot of it happened worse than they've actually shared it. When I get saturated with shock-stories I change the subject and the atmosphere by adding humor. I can't always digest all the adventures shared by my straight/gay-male and straight/lesbian female friends either. However; it has made me more open-minded and flexible. I have less prejudice toward people; and it has given me the ability to help people to find solutions to very complicated problems. I don't get shocked very easily.
I read the experiences of all the OP's and I am a better person; because they also develop my sense of empathy and sense of humor. They are only trying to share their stories and open-up their darkest secrets; because confession frees the soul. You have a right to express how you feel about it, just be prepared for the response and reactions you get. People don't have to like your opinions, and if you're being self-righteous, they'll never listen to you.
You can't be sympathetic or empathetic if you can't share pain with people. You don't deserve empathy, if you harshly judge your fellow-man. If I have to be harsh with my friends, it's usually because they're in denial; or allowing anger to make them ruthless or hasty. You might need to tell the girls you don't want to always use these outings to air dirty laundry. Sometimes you just want to have fun. Don't just sit-back and let them freak you out with sordid stories and overkill. They are purposely trying make you feel like a prude. Call them on it.
As for your dad. He's an adult. You may not like how he handles his life or his partners, that's his business. He was sharing not asking for his daughter to tell him how to behave. By the time you reach his age, you know right from wrong quite well. Sometimes you simply nod up and down, in agreement. You keep your opinions to yourself, and just listen.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2014): Thank you for response, I guess thats what I'm guessing is the next natural step, but I was looking for wisdom or reassurance this is the right step, or if I'm being 'unfair' and 'giving up' on these friends. or cold hearted. Or if I'm missing another angle of looking at it.
I guess at the moment, our lives are entwined socially, and i'm currently feeling the bit where it might be I need a break from this pattern. I miss the 'old ' them, where it was more fulfilling friendships.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 October 2014):
 Then don't go to overnight trips or weeklong holidays, and just join the occasional lunch or dinner if you don't want to cut all ties altogether. Frankly, I do not see what's the issue here.
Do you lament that at times some people who used to be close make different choices, adopt different values, and drift apart ? Or, even drift apart for no special reason ?... yes it happens, no big deal. It means you don't particularly NEED them in your life, that you have become too different for being of any real " use " ( I am not talking in material terms ! ) to each other. So, no big loss , really. It's like lamenting that you don't fit in anymore in your school attire of when you were in 5th grade .Well, you aren't in 5th grade anymore, and you are not the same PERSON; not only the same size , that you were then. Life goes on, and you need new clothes ( and new people around you ).
Of course if you still like them in small doses- then take them in small doses, why not. But I don't see how else you would solve the problem. Would you get a sugar daddy, or sleep with a married guy, just to feel like you are one of the gang again ?... Obviously not, so....
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