A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm really close to my friend who told me he wanted to be more than friends about a year ago. Initially I said I didn't feel the same way and we tried to carry on as we had been before, talking everyday but I was seeing other people. Since then we've got even closer and flirt a lot. I still told him that I wasn't sure how I felt but I was flirting back with him to see if my feelings would develop for him. Now he has given me an ultimatum where I have to decide either to be his girlfriend or we shouldn't speak any more (I totally get his point of view and agree something should change). I'm finding it difficult to know what to do, he says I have nothing to lose if I try but I don't want to lie about what feelings I have. What should I do?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 June 2013):
 I see it from both sides to be honest.
In my life I had a person give me an ultimatum just about a year ago. Basically they did not like the man I was seriously dating and the wife half of my then closest couple friends said to me "my husband does not like your bf, you will probably have to choose us or him".... so I did... I no longer am friends with this couple as no one has the right to force me to choose. and my take is very much the same on ultimatums; the person who asks for a choice is almost always the one who loses.
ON the other hand, I can see his POV too... granted he's not right in issuing the ultimatum but he does not know what else to do.
Clearly he wants more than you are able to give him and what he NEEDS to do is say "I'm sorry I want more than just friends and to see you all the time and not be able to have the kind of relationship with you that I want is too painful for me so I no longer wish to have any contact with you." but he can't be mature enough to own his behavior so he puts it on you and makes you "the bad guy"
hence why I said you should leave
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 June 2013):
 He is INTO you and thus want more, you are NOT into him and thus trying to keep the status quo if "friendship".
Why be his GF if you aren't into him THAT way at all? "Forcing" yourself to be his GF and "FORCING" yourself to pretend you WANT to be his GF is not going to make you grow fonder of him or falling in love with him. YOU can not FORCE love.
Be honest with him and end whatever it is you two have it's not helping either of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2013): well then the honorable thing to do would be to end the friendship. He's given you two choices: be his gf or get out of his life. Well, you cannot be his gf since you don't have that sort of feelings for him, you would be a fake. you've been stringing him along by flirting with him NOT because you have feelings for him but to see if you would develop feelings. why would you do that?? usually it's understood that when you flirt with someone, you're sending them the signal that you are already interested in them. I'm afraid that since the situation has developed along these lines, he has to give you this ultimatum to protect his feelings, so to salvage some dignity (both yours ans his) you should gracefully end the friendship.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (19 June 2013):
 Yeah, I'd walk.
It's very possible that he put that ultimatum out there because he felt as though you were leading him on, but that doesn't excuse him. Giving someone an ultimatum is the severest of power-plays and nothing less than manipulation. That's not the kind of foot on which you'd want to start a relationship, right?
Don't feel bad for not being romantically interested in this dude. Attraction is hardly voluntary.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2013): Sage, what kind of friendship does one person have all the control and power?
As for this problem as a guy who has been in his position it isn't about taking control over you, nor it is about forcing you to be his girlfriend. For him it is forcing himself to make a decision. Either he gets what he wants the most (which is you) or he moves on. Either way he will be fine so now it is up to you.
You will always be more loved by him than you reciprocate and you will have more influence than he does but if you want to see where it would go then try it out. If you dont then just let this go because believe it or not this is increadibly hurtful and toxic for him.
Just make a decision and run with it and hopefully he does too and this isnt a bluff.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 June 2013):
 Heh, I've never known any good and healthy relationships to ever start from an ultimatum "Be my girlfriend or we aren't talking anymore".
You can't be friends with him. He's tortured because he is UNABLE to be mere friends with you, and since he has feelings for you, it is NOT platonic.
Be kind to him and let him go. To fight to continue speaking and doing things together is cruel to him. He needs to be away from you so his feelings for you can die and he can find a girl who does like him back.
I'm not saying men and women can't be platonic friends, but in this case, *he* cannot be platonic friends with you. Don't go out with him simply because you'd miss his friendship. It won't last, it would be cruel to him, and it wouldn't be fair to you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 June 2013):
 Don'tcha' just LOVE ultimatums???? The person posing the ultimatum believes that THEY have control of the situation.... and truly believe that their ultimatum will work (out) as they expect.... BUT, the moment that YOU SAY, "O.K. ... I'll live by your ultimatum... and THAT means that I dump your sorry a$s..." they want, desperately, to retract the ultimatum....
Give this guy ONE "PASS" for being such a Dick-head.... and, then, see if you want to continue any sort of "relationship" with him....
The nice part is.... once he's been "found out"... then YOU will be in TOTAL CONTROL!!!!!!
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, LaceratedReality  +, writes (18 June 2013):
So basically this guy is telling you that your friendship and time is worth nothing to him unless he can put his penis in you. It is up to you whether to date him or not, but never let anyone pressure you into something you do not wish to do.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (18 June 2013):
 You don't ever have to go out with someone that you have no romantic feelings for, but you've treated this guy unfairly. You know that he wants more, you turn him down and then you flirt with him. What kind of mixed signals is that going to send him? If you really liked a guy, wanted to be with him and worked up the courage to tell him and he rejected you but then continued to "flirt a lot", what would you think? Most likely that he liked you back and you were in with a chance, so you would waste more time hanging around, waiting for him to change his mind.
I think it's best that you go your separate ways for a while. Give him some space and time to work things out for himself and get past this, then maybe you can be friends again in the future.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (18 June 2013):
You need to let him go and move on. I don't think you are being fair to him....especially his feelings. You don't have those kind of feelings for him. I think you flirting with him knowing that he has feelings for you is cruel.
Let him find someone who does. If you care for him at all give him the gift of freedom. Do not contact him in anyway. You are just prolonging the agony for him.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (18 June 2013):
I usually like to take chances but I can't speak for you. I find it hard to believe you are flirting with someone you have no attraction to. I flirt with others but I do feel some sort of connection whether it is just friendliness or comfort, but I obviously would not flirt with someone I did not like.
If you really have no feelings for him then tell him so, and just move on. It would be better in the long run for him as well as for you to just move on from each other if the two of you are so close but are not together.
Or you could take a chance and date him, see where it goes but make sure to tell him that. What ever you decide, make sure to be clear and concise else it will be for nothing. Good luck
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A
female
reader, kerondaylovescj +, writes (18 June 2013):
You should nevveerrr be pressured into a relationship it just ends where your hartbroken take this from me it happened to me trust me your better off just not talking to him and moving on no matter how much it hurts :) hope this helps xx
by
kerondaylovescj
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 June 2013):
IF you don't know what to do and you are feeling pressure, then I think you do know what to do but don't want to.
You do not feel that way about him and he's willing to take the chance. Eventually you will tire of the pretense and leave...
I think it's better you end it now and let him heal and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): You've known he has liked you for a year and feelings haven't developed, they basically never will and you know that deep down.
OP he can't go on being friends with a woman he's infatuated with and you can't force yourself into a relationship with a guy you don't have those kind of feelings for as you will just destroy him, unintentionally of course.
The last resort you have is letting him go. If it's the very unlikely case of you actually having feelings but just not realizing then this is the only way you'll find out, if you don't then he's gone anyway.
Just so you know OP there is every chance of friendship again in the distant future once he's moved on but right now you have to do what you feel is best in the now. He can't wait for you to make up your mind and I know you don't expect him to either.
Op getting into a relationship because you'd feel bad or so you don't lose his friendship is the worst reason, let him go. See what happens, just don't mistake missing his friendship as having feelings. While your intentions may have been good Op you have spent the past year leading him on and feeding his feelings. If you value him as a friend you'll let him go and give him a chance to move on.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (18 June 2013):
 You should not be pressured into a realationship, however I also get why he wants to know where he stand as you have crossed the line of friendship and have been flirting - in a way leading him on.
He obviously wants more and he wants to move on if you cannot offer him that. In fairness to him, being friends is difficult as he has strong feelings for you.
You also cannot make yourself love someone, its either there or not. You should let him go as you apear not to attracted to him as a partner and just value the friendship. Set him free to heal and who knows maybe you will be able to be friends some time down the line.
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