A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently found some details of my wife's sexual history and I'm now disgusted by her. What can I do?I mean I know it is "the past" but we're talking about her saying and doing the exact same things she says and does to me. This bothers me a tremendous amount. It makes me feel like nothing about our sexual relationship is new or "ours". I dont know what to do/think but I believe my marriage may be in trouble over this.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 June 2013):
 HTFM -- but here's the thing...I would agree with you if she was caught in a lie and was deliberately misrepresenting herself. Absolutely I would! But that is what you're assuming here.
However, I read the OP's post, and it sounds like what he's mad about isn't that she lied about her past, but that he learned some of the "DETAILS" about her past, specifically sexual moves and techniques that bother him that she did with someone else prior to them getting together.
I don't know about you, but nobody is required to know the nitty-gritty of sexual positions shared with former lovers. I believe in honesty, but having to report things like how often you slept with a former boyfriend and favorite positions is not something required to be disclosed. It's enough that the person was a former lover and whether or not it was casual or inside of a relationship.
Example -- Girl tells boyfriend that she's slept with 3 other men. That's fine. Does she need to tell him that one of them used to pull her hair and slap her ass while having anal sex? NO! That's not his business.
Again, if she LIED to him, then I'm on your side! Honesty *is* essential, and it plays to sexual compatibility. A guy should have a choice if he wants to have a relationship with a former escort or porn star, or if he prefers a woman who only has had sex inside relationships. As long as the guy himself practices his preference, that's fine! What I mean is, I think it's hypocritical for a guy who had 85+ partners and one-night stands to demand a girlfriend who's only had one or two other partners. I'd be shocked if he didn't lie about the number of partners he had in the past to get with a girl like that.
Honesty is the key. However, a guy isn't entitled to hear a blow-by-blow of the inner workings of every single sexual encounter she's ever had. And if I've ever heard of a pattern in someone with RJ, they torture themselves and their girlfriends with those very nitty-gritty explicit details. When I read this guy saying "details", it rang similar to almost every other RH story I've heard on here.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 June 2013):
Serpico, that's what I'm afraid of. And that's the real tragedy...a good marriage with a good woman who was never disloyal to him and loves him with all of her heart will get flushed down the toilet due to RJ.
What is an even bigger tragedy is -- let's say he divorces her because he can't handle his RJ. The problem is, he takes himself and his own baggage with him wherever he goes, with whatever woman he's with. Indulging and letting RJ run his life will sabotage EVERY relationship he will ever be in, even if he dates some 18 year old who has never so much as kissed another guy. Nourished obsession only gets worse, and then his mind will play tricks and find ways to fault even innocent interactions, leaving a trail of romantic carnage in its wake.
He *has* to draw the line and take control of his emotions now before his bleak future becomes reality. I was trying to help with logic, but maybe only medication and sincere desire to fight against RJ every single day is the only possible solution. It's insiduous and infects the very soul. Not only that, but as a woman, it fills me with rage that many women are inflicted with their partner's RJ and are torn apart by insinuations, ill-treatment, abuse, and abandonment because of it.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (19 June 2013):
You wish -
As a past severe RJ suffer myself, I can say with almost absolute certainty that your advice of "Since you may have did similar things you shouldn't feel this way" is not helping.
Of course men suffering from this affliction know this already - its beyond obvious. Unfortunately, recognition of this obvious point does little to help.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 June 2013):
 How to advise the OP to handle this depends on a few things.
IF she LIED about her past then the issue is due to the wife’s lies and the OP has every right to be upset. BUT if she did not lie, then I fear that this issue is deeper than betrayal of trust and the issue is more than likely with the OP.
A follow up to explain how he found out and what he knew before he found out would be most helpful.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 June 2013):
Anonymous male reader, Respectfully, I think you misunderstood my post.
My point was this -- why is he disgusted with the details of her past sexual history, when unless he himself was a virgin who had never dated before, his own sexual history was most likely just as colorful and just as storied as hers. Why should she be subjected to his disgust with her past but at the same time, his own past had nothing to do with it?
If there are two things I absolutely despise when it comes to Retroactive jealousy, it's deception and hypocrisy.
I despise people who misrepresent themselves and outright lie about their sexual history, saying they are a virgin or only had one or two partners when in reality they had 82. Not that there is anything wrong with having 82, but saying you didn't when you did is pure deception, and it spits in the face of sexual compatibility and trust. This guy never said she lied to him, only that he "came into knowledge" of some of the intimate details about "her past".
The problem is, he's judging her to be disgusting based on her past details while conveniently forgetting his own past details. Unless he's a virgin, chances are that he's done things with past girlfriends that he does with his wife now. Case in point -- he has inserted his penis into a vagina before. he may have had another woman's mouth on him. Why is she disgusting, yet it's merely part of his past?
My point is -- he's obsessed. I'm trying to use logic and reason to break through the emotional feedback look he's finding himself in and help save his marriage. I'm not accusing him, and I know RJ is both real and illogical. I'm showing him logic, that if he is disgusted with her, he must likewise look at his own sexual past with the same cutting scrutiny as he is hers. Maybe if he finds they are both "disgusting" for having done the same things in their mutual past, then maybe his disgust will recede over time, saving their marriage and returning to the forefront her love and esteem for him as an individual, and not destroying a precious thing over his own obsessive imagination.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2013): @ YouWish:
What if a man had said that everyone should just be viewed as either a virgin or nonvirgin?
The man would be informed that he has a Madonna/whore complex and told to seek professional help for his desire to oppress women.
There is nowhere else in life where it is okay to make up lies about yourself and then demand that the other person just put up with it after the truth comes out. We don't tolerate that behavior anywhere else in life because it is disrespectful and wrong. Why does sexual history get an exemption from the basic laws of respect and fairness?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 June 2013):
Were you a virgin when you met her? Did she tell you that she had never touched another man before you became intimate with her?
The only way I would sympathize with you is if she told you she was a virgin and you found out she lied to you after she got married. And even then, I have a hard time sympathizing with you if YOU so much as rounded second base with any other woman before you met her.
Honestly now, you will destroy your marriage because of YOUR baggage and jealousy, and that's something you must live with.
As for techniques being the same with other men as they are with you, I agree with the others. She knows what turns her on, and it's about the technique itself, not who she did it with. If you were with a woman in the past, and you learned that you love it when she runs her tongue along your nipples, you'd most likely communicate that to your next woman because it's something that drives you crazy, and you know that who you're with wants to please you.
Every relationship is new and different. Every feeling for a person is different. The lovemaking is different. The bodies and techniques are different and unique.
Unless your wife told you she was a virgin and outright lied to you, then your marriage being in trouble is 100% on you and your choice. To berate her now on relationships in the past that had nothing to do with you is heartless and cruel. I don't even want to know why you were digging around for a blow-by-blow of your wife's past sexual techniques, except that usually in cases of RJ, the obsessed jealous person hounds the spouse for details until they break.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): Would you not have married her if you knew about her past?
Multiple sexual experiences or partners in the past shouldn't really undermine your relationship with her unless she's comparing you to others.
Or, is she imitating and reiterating things in bed with you that makes everything seem rehearsed and fake - thus "nothing about our sexual relationship is new or "ours"'.
Is your wife faithful and dedicated to your relationship? If so, then I don't see the problem. Are you going to divorce her and remarry a woman who's a virgin or able to prove she isn't lying about her sexual history?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): If she has been lying about her past previously then its not your problem to accept anything now. Its solely your choice whether you want to continue the relationship with her or not. You have the right to choose your own partner. You did not choose the real version of her that she hid from you, you chose the vanilla version of herself that she pretended to be. If she never tried to fool you about herself then it gets more complicated. Now it really is your problem to come to terms with things. You never really owe someone a relationship for any reason but morally speaking she has done nothing wrong, it was your misunderstanding. Or else you didn't ask things earlier and she didn't want to tell them. Don't-ask-don't-tell is the way that some couples elect to handle their pasts. Either way, if you choose to stay with her then you need to make a choice to deal with this and not hold a grudge. Your troubled feelings are understandable. But your option to avoid the problem now is to break it off with her, just like it was when you first met her. If you choose to stay with her then you have to accept the whole picture. You cannot only accept part of her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): This must be hard for you confronted with the sordid details. No-one wants a vivid account of their beloved with someone else.First thing to point out is that your wife's fantasies and turn-ons haven't changed. So if she talked dirty to someone in the same way she talks dirty to you - it's because that's what gets her off. She was getting HER needs met by an arbitrary person before she found you to meet her needs not only sexually but as a life partner.I'm saying this to help you understand the difference between a 'service' that can be performed by a dildo or another man or another woman and making love. Those things she said or did in her past were for her benefit before she met you. In her ideal world, she would have rather have met the all in one partner who would meet her sexual needs, who would make love to her as only people who are deeply committed together can, who would be her partner in life. But your paths didn't cross until later on in her life and you have to come to terms with the fact that she needed a 'filler'; someone who could at least try to be the man she wanted before you came along.What you've shared with her is yours and new becomes it comes as a complete package. It has the love, the sex, the commitment, the companionship. It's perfect and she's never had that before. What she's had is nowhere near what you have together now. Did you ever have a crappy part time job as a teenager that was far from ideal? You didn't see yourself staying in that job forever but it was giving you money a bit of money. Would it be fair for a future employer to not give you the perfect job you are passionate about and qualified for 10 years later simply because you've had a history of working in a less professional lower paid job? No it wouldn't. Are the two jobs comparable? No they're not.Talk to her about how you feel and let he reassure you that what you have is definitely special and new. The way you make her laugh, feel safe feel happy in life; the way you make her feel loved during the act. No-one else has done that for her. She will tell you all this herself. I hope you believe her because it's true.Good luck and I hope you find peace
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (18 June 2013):
This is very difficult for you and i can understand how hurt you must feel.However i hope you might consider going to a counsellor for help on a one to one and ask his/her advise .Because you cant handle this yourself.But ther is one point i want you to think about -this history is in the past re your wife.Kind Wishes Nora B.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (18 June 2013):
Ugh. Retro jealously rearing its ugly head. Please do a search here for RJ - there is plenty written. I am an RJ sufferer myself, so I sympathize with you - it really sucks big time.
For this, there are two paths - the first is to learn to deal with it (can be VERY difficult, and IMO most often not worth it.) The second is to leave. Since you are married, this is a less attractive option. This is one reason you better know everything about your fiancee before she becomes your wife.
Good luck to you.
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