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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been married almost 4 years and have a son. My husband and I are doing OK now, but have had a tough few years. We don't cuddle much or kiss. We are trying but it seems it should come easy if we are really in love. I also can't get my first love out of my head. It's been this way for a while and even though he is married too I think about him constantly and he never speaks to me. Wwhen he sees me and that really bothers me, he just smiles. Why does this bother me and how can I get past him to help my marriage now? thanks Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2005): It sounds like you and hubby have allowed the love in your marriage become boring and mundane. This happens a lot. The love is there but you two need to understand what phase of your relationship you have come to. No married couple experiences the "in love" phase for long. Over time through hard work, committment & family, a couple will move to the "committed, comfortable love" phase. You may be craving that first time erotic love-that intensity based on physical attributes and is mostly physical arousal & very sexual. This is when there is a high level of romantic intimacy and passion. This love tends to burn out like a dying flame, quickly. Many people find after they've been together for a long time the passionate love wanes but the intimate, committed love just keeps growing. The committed love is when both partners make the decision to be loyal and faithful to your partner in many ways. It involves openly and honestly deciding that you both want to strive to have a satisfying and lasting relationship. This involves planning for the future, working out problems, and consciously not doing things that you think would hurt your partner. This is what keeps married people together for many years. The thoughts of your first love could mean you want that passionate excitement..that exhilaratiing feeling of the first passionate love/romance back in your life. Start going out on dates with hubby and doing romantic things for each other. Start out by hugging, kissing and touching more. Spend quality time together! Might be a good idea to seek some couple counseling and see where you both can strive to become loving with each other again.
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (3 August 2005):
 The real problem is that many think that love is a state of mind. It is not. Real love feels like a lot of different things but it is not a feeling that is why it is confusing. It is a verb not an adjective (or is it an adverb?). You "be" in love you don't "fall" in it ( that would stink). Instead you "are" it. It should describe a set of actions like the Bible says. (I COR13:4-8) it is patient and kind, slow to anger and never keeps track of wrongs... (You know the one and if not Cor= corinthians so surf through the net to look it up- In that verse you find pure wisdom! .)
Keep in mind that forsaking all others includes those who treat you like a worthless peice of the stink mentioned above. Compare any two people and you will find all the rest seem better than the guy you sleep with when he is getting on your nerves.
You sound like you are about ready to ruin your sons and husbands life. You would love to wreak another persons marriage. Did you ever think that your thought life might be why the other guy left you? I feel sorry for your husband. You are not committed to him really.
All of us get a bit jealous when a man moves on from us. But wise women push that thought out of mind immediately. I hate to sound fanatical but think about the 10 commandments. There is a reason why coveting the neighbors husband is a sin. Giving more than a glancing thought to another is pulling your energy from your family. Every second that you do that is one more second you lose forever and that much harder to get back to happy.
Maybe this will help you. I too have an active imagination. When I have been in your shoes, I pretend that the ex is a huge gossip and thinks I am a slut with no value. (Stay with me here) Also, I pretend that I know he has a bet with is buddies that I will come on to him eventually. Then I decide to show the world and he will never get that satisfaction. I am better than that. Then I add treating him as if I barely notice him but if I can't get away, then I act as if I am soooo happy he was able to move on. After all, that is tough work. Is your husband not the lucky one that he did not have to worry?
How we are viewed in society is just a compilation of all our choices. So find someone you respect and let them guide you. Then try to remind yourself that love will never fulfill you. No man alive can make you whole. When you fanticize you are not thinking realistically. I bet your ex's wife would agree. No human is perfect and that includes you. But do you want to be dumped so quickly? Doesn't that sould shallow? People fail to realize that love relationships are more about giving and sacrifice than getting your needs met. If we all focused on the partners needs, we all would be happy!
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