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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hello,I'm 30 years old and finally met someone I cannot get over no matter how hard I try. It's been half a year since he left me and we had only dated for half a year. He was everything I have every dreamt of and more -- from our similar dreams, unique interests and ways...to the way he listened and treated me. I have never fallen so hard for anyone. He broke up with me because I was starting fights (I have a bad history with men, for example, been in some emotionally abusive relationships). Apparently, I am considered a good catch who get attention every time I go out. I am a wonderful person with goal and direction, but when dating for a man for a while, I go through a period when I get cold feet and start to push him away because I'm afraid of getting hurt. I meet new guys all the time. In the last few months, I have casually dated many guys who have fallen hard for me, but all I can think of is the one I lost. I have tried to move on and distract myself, but I feel terrible even around these handsome, charming men who just seem to be lacking because they're not him. I recently spent a few days with my ex, the guy I cannot over. We had had barely seen each other since the relationship had ended and it was wonderful time. When he left (he lives in a different city right now), I asked what it all meant and he said he's not sure. He's afraid that I have this side of me that's very defensive and lashes out. I do have that side, but of course, that's not who I really am 99% of the time. I believe it's something I can work on and I regret not taking a leap of faith and trusting this great guy sooner. He is not sure whether we'll get back together once we are in the same city again. Now that there's a 'maybe,' I feel like I'm trying to get over him all over again. I try not to call him and I'm giving him his space, but it's killing me that I'll get my hopes up all over again... I have no idea if he's stringing me on or what. How do I win him back or move on? Still not sure whether to hold on (I feel I could wait for a long, long time) or continue to try to move on for the sake of my own sanity.Thank you!!
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female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (2 August 2009):
 I think that you should consider talking with a therapist about why you have these relationship problems. If you've noticed a pattern that you keep picking fights with people to prevent them getting close to you it's important that you figure out how to stop the cycle. It's one thing to acknowledge your problems but you can't stop there. Take time to work on yourself and resolve your emotional unavailability issues.
He sounds justifiably leery of getting back with you because of your issues. The best you can hope for is that you continue to have positive interactions and he sees that you are honestly working on and improving yourself. I would not wait around and see if I was him though, and neither should you. Move on and make a change for the good of your future relationships. If it's meant to be, he will come back into your life.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): Ok, just something more. He seems to know that you have a problem, so if you really want to have a relationship, why not just admit it and say, "Yes, I do have a problem...and this is why..." Explain why you have a fear of being hurt again. You can't keep these things bottled up, hon, and expect to have a close personal relationship with anyone. It sounds like he would really like to know how you feel. Just tell it like it is. He can then decide if he thinks it could work between you. But, if all he thinks is that there is something wrong with *him* in your eyes....he probably won't be back. He may wonder a lot about what it is...which could hurt his own self concept and make it difficult for him to start another relationship with anyone. So, you see, anon, it is not just about you. It is hurtful to just dismiss someone without telling them why. Have I made any sense?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): Well, anon., it seems you have some "ghosts from the past" that you still allow to haunt you. So, you had a bad relationship..maybe more than one. At your age, not unususual. Most all of us have been there. But, you need to get into the right mindset. Everyone is not the same. I get bored quickly with people who say things like, "Men,..they are like this...or that", or "Women, they are basically all the same"....Get out of that mindset, anon, and learn to look at people, men, as individuals. Dump the past hurts,..they serve no purpose except to hinder your present relationships. You can certainly avoid those with tendencies that appear to be the same as your past bad relationship. But, don't look for and see those things in others where they don't exist.
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