A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I found out my boyfriend looked at younger women in porn and now I'm embarrassed to be naked in front of him.This is the first relationship I've been in where I actually felt GREAT about sex. I was excited by the sight of him and initiated regularly.We were having a great sex life and a great relationship until I found LOTS of porn on the computer.Now I feel ashamed of my body and I feel like he will be bored with the REAL thing with me because I am in my forties and the girls he looked at were late teens, early 20's. I feel so bad that I can't feel the same way I did before I found out he was looking at those younger women.I still love him and he's been really great to understand how hurt I was and how bad it made me feel. But I just don't feel the same way about him as I did before.Am I wasting his time at this point? Should I just let him go since I can't feel the closeness anymore?
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insecure, porn, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (19 August 2011):
 Glad I could help!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): I am the OP.
Person12345: I have read some of your advice (to me and others) and I've followed up on some of the reading you recommend. THANK YOU--for your insight and understanding.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (15 August 2011):
I highly recommend the book The Porn Trap (I recommend it to everyone in similar situations). It may help you both better understand what the other is going through. It's meant to be read through as a couple. I hope it helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): I am the OP.
Thanks for the replies. I've narrowed it down to this: I have to work on my own self-esteem and just let it play out. Either I will get over it and our relationship will be close again, or I will not get over it and we'll end up going our separate ways.
I will say, with all honestly, if he ever does it again--we are through.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): It's so sad that so many of us have been in this position, I'm only 22, my boyfriend looked at porn time after time, sworn on my life he'd stop, his problem continued until he seeked psycotherapy, which finally put it to an end. But I can no longer feel confident around him, it's destroyed our sex life, I'm no longer aroused by him, I feel ashamed and dirty undressing infront of him. Things haven't been the same since and it's been a year, I still cannot feel comfortable around him. I'd forgiven him time after time and each time I felt more hurt than the last. He's 32, and the last thing he looked at was pictures of a 15 year old prostitute. At that point I felt sick when he touched me.
I saw a professional counciler, and she told me that this is a very common problem in relationships and that over 80% of her clients suffered low self esteem problems due to their partners porn problems, and she advised me a long time ago to part ways as it will do me no good. I've only just took this advice, and sorry for ranting on about my own story, but sometimes it helps to share different experiences.
My advice to you is, if you continue to feel bad about yourself, seek some counciling, it may save your relationship, everyone's different. I hope you manage to feel good about yourself some day, all the best to you take care x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): To the male poster below- poor justifications don't negate the truth. A 40 yr old man getting off to a 20yr old is still a sleazy old man. Lets call a spade a spade. No classy mature woman will want a dirty old man..... His loss.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2011): 40yo men look at 20yo women in porn for the same reason that 13yo girls get crushes on 25yo men: plain old evolution. It's nothing personal.
Men already know that evolution unfairly punishes people for their age in the dating world. We were once 13-20yo boys ourselves. We were in our sexual prime and losing girls to older men just because of when we were born.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2011): I would be wondering if he is also in his forties, then why is he looking at 20 yt olds? Surely he Finds a woman his on age most attractive. If not then in truth he is settling for a 40 yr old because he can't get what he really wants - a 20 yr old.
As a woman also 40 I understand exactly where u r coming from. Men tell us what they desire by what they seek out to masturbate to. Afterall, there are plenty of mature women to look at in porn if one desire.
Personally I think that most men are really not worth the time anymore....their brains have all been pornifried.
Do yourself a favor, live an independent life and have toy boys on the side for fun. Let your dirty old man follow his dreams of a younger woman, your too good for him
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (7 August 2011):
 With the Internet within easy access for just about everyone, it makes it even easier to have access to porn. In the good old days you actually had to make an effort to find -- mostly going to the local shady liquor store and picking up a magazine. Nowadays, it is all over the Internet and within easy access.
I hate to break it to you, but many guys look at porn. Some are casual about it and some can't go a day without looking at it. Guys will look at it during a dry spell when they don't (or can't) have the opportunity to have sex and need to find relief.
I am not saying it is right, but I'd be willing to bet that your man still loves you and when he is making love to you - he is thinking of you.
Being that you did find a lot of it on his computer, it could very well be that he has a problem with it. Depending upon how much he "needs" it or how much of a habit it is, he may need help in quitting.
I think you should mention, casually, that you found some on his computer and that you are uncomfortable with it. See how he reacts and go from there.
Finally, if you have children, I think you'll have to think twice about allowing this man to use a household computer, on account that a child could easily stumble upon it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2011): I am in my midforties and my husband and I both watch porn to help spice it up a bit. Maybe, your bf is just watching it for ideas,fantasies?--I look at it as helping our sex lives--not hurting it. Just talk to him about it.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (7 August 2011):
 he must have known already that a 40 something year old body does not look like a 20 year old porn-body. the porn has not been a 'revelation' to him in this regard.
women get upset about porn because of our attitude to sex. we see it as an emotional, connection, love thing which is why we see porn as a form of cheating. the man's attitude to sex is different - he can separate his masturbation orgasm from anything emotional. also the male natural instinct is to spread his seed with as many females as possible so using porn provides an outlet for him that does not involve him having to actually go with other women.
porn is also watched by men who are in relationships or married to attractive young women. so do not think your man has just done this because he thinks you are old and unattractive.
i am not trying to tell you that you are wrong to feel upset and insecure. see how things go. if you find that you cannot be with him any more then you will have to let him go. weigh up your relationship as a whole though. if everything else is great between you, be careful that you are not about to discard a good man coz when you look for a replacement you will have to look a long way to find one that doesn't watch porn. for some men it is just a form of entertainment. for others it is a serious addiction which causes problems in their sex lives and relationships. you will need to weigh up which sort of porn user your man is. if its an unacceptable level for your individual taste, leave him
x
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