A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,First of all, some introductions are necessary to make my problem easier to fully understand. I'm a 27-year-old guy from Budapest, Hungary. I have a Master's Degree in Electrical Engineering and a great job since 2010; I have quite good prospects in my life (I'm planning to buy my first apartment next year). However, on the relationships front, I have almost zero experience: I have tried to ask out girls very few times in my life (think 4 or 5), without any luck, of course. The reason for this is my shyness, extremely low self-esteem, total lack of self-confidence, weak social skills (which have significantly improved over the last few years, although I still have problems making conversation with people I don't or barely know) and maybe my interests (which may seem boring to many people). Granted, I'm not the best looking guy in the universe, but I'm not so "ugly" that this may be the root of my problems. I'm also following the "rules" of Straight edge (i.e. I don't smoke, drink, do recreational drugs or one-night stands), which definitely seems weird for some people.Moving on to my exact problem. I've known a girl from a Hungarian music website (we both commented to the articles and wrote in the forums) since 2008 (she is almost 5 years younger than me). Although she became quite sympathetic to me over time, we didn't personally interact much then. She was living in Transylvania, which is about 700 kilometers from where I live, so I couldn't really have done anything, even if I had wanted to. However, in October last year, I noticed on her profile that she now lives in Budapest. I wrote her soon to ask her about this (I had no intention to ask her out or anything at this point, of course); I found out that she's studying for her Master's in Chemistry here, and also plans to find work here when she graduates. This turned into a very long exchange of messages (several times a week). Even over the internet, I felt that we really connected on an "intellectual" level, shared a lot of interests (science, music, books, etc.), and had quite similar personalities. She was really busy with her duties at the university, but in February this year, I managed to finally meet her. Although I didn't specify that it was meant to be a "date", I honestly thought that it was one. We went to a museum and then a café, and I felt that we had a really great time. After this, over the spring, we met again, several times, while we were constantly in contact via facebook messages.Almost needless to say, I completely fell for her during this time. I love almost everything about her: her style, her sense of humor, her complete amazing personality. In June, she had a lot of exams, and she also visited home for a week, so we could only meet this monday, when I decided to tell her how I feel. When I did - at the end of the "date" -, what happened was the worst 15 minutes of my life. She blushed and was genuinely surprised (she is also quite shy). She told me that she had no idea that I would ever felt more than friendship, and also that she had a boyfriend. It was the single biggest shock in my life; she never said a single word about having a boyfriend, and there is nothing on her facebook profile that would indicate it either. She asked me why I haven't asked if she had a boyfriend, and told me that even though she has one, she doesn't feel relationships to be a significant part of her life, and she wouldn't want a very serious relationship at the age of 22, but her current boyfriend is enough to fill the "little" void in her for a relationship. Then I think she realized that she should have told me about this anyway, even though she said first that she didn't think i would have cared about such things (!?), and she thought that I'd be interested in more "serious" girls, whatever that means. She asked me 4 or 5 times not to be angry at her that she didn't tell me earlier, and practically begged me not to stop seeing each other (as friends, of course) because there is no one she can talk about some things better than me. She also told me that she respects me a lot (maybe the worst word I wanted to hear), and that there is absolutely no problem with me. (She even told me that I seemed totally confident talking to her, which is actually true...I was surprised about this all along.) She finally told me that we will talk when she could collect her thoughts. We haven't contacted each other since then.I'm totally devestated and I have no idea what to do. I would really welcome any insight.Thanks to anyone who read this.
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female
reader, Lucky786  +, writes (20 July 2012):
 This is her problem not yours. It wasn't up to you to ask her if she had a boyfriend. If your friendship (or her relationship for that matter) meant anything to her, she would've been upfront with you from the start.
Honesty and trust are the foundations of all meaningful relationship. Without that foundation, you have nothing to build upon.
I understand you invested a lot of time, energy and feelings into this girl but I'm not sure she is worthy of any more.
You seem like a genuine man with a lot to offer the right girl. Don't let this experience put you off your goals in life, with a positive attitude, you will meet an honest and genuine girl.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): I'm the original poster, I forgot to mention that she did NOT have the boyfriend when we first met in February, she got him afterwards (I asked specifically on Monday).
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