A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So a guy I was seeing ended things with me as I wanted commitment and he didn’t see me in that way. he was then with another girl and he didn’t want anymore to do with me even as a mate however that broke down within weeks. next thing he kept popping up in person at work (going out his way to see me) and speaking to me again. We used to be mates before all this and he’s someone I really liked and actually was very upset when he cut me off as we had been friends. He went all distant again on me when I found some things he said disrespectful and I called him out on it and he didn’t like it and stopped speaking to me and said I was out of order however he had said some things I found disrespectful to me and I was just saying he had no right to say this which he did not take well. He then initiated contact with me again an few days later and we were chatting all fine and having a laugh then out of the blue he told me to never message him again and threatened to block me if I did. Why is he being like this? I just have left it and said sorry he feels that way and I value our friendship and I’m unsure what happened again but I’m here if he did ever want to reach out and that I hope one day we can be friends again. He saw my message and ignored it. He blanks me when I see him however will just stare at me to the extent people have commented on it. If I have tried to get eye contact he will just look away. Why is he being like this? I’m really hurting and I know he doesn’t like me as a girlfriend which I was very upset about but I have moved on and I don’t want it to ruin a friendship that I did really value and he used to be lovely and we’d speak for hours on phone and text all day every day now it’s like he doesn’t even know me and why would he initiate contact then say to never message him again and it hurts that he would be block me. It’s like he’s a different person. we didn’t even have argument or anything we were literally just chatting it was like a switch and out the blue.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2022): You can't be friends with people who inflict emotional-abuse upon you. Stop going back for more, in hopes to rekindle something that wasn't really there. You seemed to accept he'd never have you as his girlfriend; but you'll settle for the consolation prize of being his "friend." When you become submissive to abuse, people don't respect you; and will treat you like dirt. He knows you're infatuated, and his nasty personality makes him treat you badly. He gets twisted-pleasure out of dragging you through the mud, knowing no matter what he does to you, you'll just comeback for more of it.
Just stop it!!!
It isn't that you value his friendship so much. Your ego and self-esteem can't accept his rejection. Settling for friendship makes you feel you've can circumvent his outright rejection. He doesn't show respect for your feelings; yet you're groveling for his attention and approval. Promising to be there for him, and all that foolish nonsense.
Why would you be there for him after he has spread gossip and rumors about you? Are you a glutton for punishment? He's mean-spirited and sadistic. Do you think if you're sweet and pathetic enough, he'll feel sorry for you, and treat you better? He won't, because he enjoys smearing you with his poop! I have to be blunt to get through to you, sweetheart!
You need to stop giving-in to your infatuation or obsession with this guy. He is unhealthy for you; and you're being disrespectful to yourself by allowing someone to treat you badly.
He is not meant for you. Neither as a boyfriend, or a friend. You must come to accept the reality that he doesn't want to be with you, and offering friendship is not going to get you what you want on the sly. It is opening yourself up to his abuse. He is dragging you through the mud; while enjoying the fact you're hopelessly infatuated with him. It takes the nastiest kind of a person to be that way; and you're dismissing the abuse just for his attention and acceptance.
He doesn't want to know you, and belittling yourself by groveling for him is beneath your dignity. He can't bring himself to respect you. No man will, if you allow them to walk all over you. You call yourself telling him off; but you turn right around and tell him you'll be there for him.
Girlfriend, seriously?!!
Ghost this guy, and never have anything else to ever do with him! When you crawl on your knees to be with a guy, you devalue yourself. You are developing a pattern and mindset that leads to finding abusive-men who'll mistreat you. That will kill your spirit, destroy your self-esteem, and render you incapable of maintaining healthy relationships in the future.
Even good-men will have to turn you down; because you won't be mentally or emotionally healthy enough to maintain a healthy relationship; because you'll be damaged from chasing after rotten no-good guys you want badly, even if they don't want you!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2022): He was never a friend, he was grooming you for a sex ship! Im willing to bet that you cut him off from the sex part, he was done with you. Especially spince you wanted him to be a boyfriend type along with the sex. He didn't want to have to do all that. Since you're not offering free and easy sex, you have nothing to offer that he wants. I also could be wrong here, but you probably let lines get crossed when you responded to chatting and laughing as friendship/possible courtship when really, guys really only do all that when they're looking for (a) sex or (b) a relationship that includes sex. Friendship with guys is different from friendship with females: platonic kind doesn't have the emotional bonding, giggly-goofy attention and compliment stuff. That's reserved for ppl looking for a sexual relationship. Do you see straight male/male or female/female friends do that? Im betting not. If you want commitment, make it clear that you're looking for that up front and that there'll be no sex without commitment/courtship etc. And that you expect to continue the courtship thruout the relationship (it goes both ways him). But, if one of you only wants friendship, (no sparks) then there is to be a sort of keep-your-distance thing going on. Just for future reference. Im not trying to be mean, I learned this the hard way. I hope I helped
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 December 2022):
 He sounds like a total ass.
I fully agree with Kenny. BLOCK his ass. If he shows up at your work, DO NOT engage. If he shows up at your home, don't open the door.
The guy had his chance and then he treated you like crap and now he thinks there is a revolving door to you. That he can come and go as HE sees fit. When he is lonely or bored.
Stop letting this guy treat you like this!
CUT him off.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2022): The saying goes: It takes *all* kinds to make a world.
You are trying to make sense of somebody's behaviour through the lens of the nature of *your own* personality.
That's an exercise in painful futility as you'll only have him cackling with glee at the fact that you're hopelessly losing sleep over trying to fill square pegs with circles.
Start by suspending your belief that in every relationship everyone can have a reflection of themselves through their partner as a mirror. As a matter of fact, there is such a thing as 'relationships' that feel like looking into a mirror and seeing no reflection at all.
Try to look up the natures of personality that are out there and see which one actually fits this guy best. (Be wary though of the trap of bothering to *judge* him for his nature. No one can help one's nature.)
When you do, maybe you'll also see how "It takes all kinds to make a world" flies in the face of just about every one-size-fits-all model that anyone might try to feed us out there.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (5 December 2022):
 I am going to be brutally honest here and say he is not someone you want or need in your life and my advice would be to delete and block him.
If you don't he will keep picking you up and putting you down, getting back in contact with you and being chatty and nice, then all of a sudden abolishing contact with you for no reason, stop letting him do this to you.
Why are you investing your energies in him, so much to the extent of you being hurting?. he is not worth your time and energy. I bet he only looks you up when one of his relationships comes to an end, then goes cold on you when he meets someone else.
You need to be strong and step up and delete him, block him. Otherwise if you don't he will forever be messing with your feelings, and leave you wondering what is going on. You need to stop letting him do this to you, you are worth more than this.
He is a player, and he does not respect or value your feelings what so ever, he is someone you really don't need in your life.
I know its hard, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to never let him back in your life ever again.
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