A
male
age
51-59,
*hawncaff
writes:Hi,OK, I read a lot of questions on Dear Cupid by people in their early to late 20s who are stumbling about in their relationships over issues of trust, commitment, priorities, responsibility, etc. So I was wondering if the older DC folks could pass on their wisdom of experience.Specifically:--what would you do differently if you were back in your 20's regarding dating, love, and relationships?--what is most important in a life partner?--what is most important to look for in a relationship?(Some of us in our late 30s would also be interested in learning from you, too!)Thanks. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Greasy  +, writes (14 February 2011):
You know, as I stare whistfully and alone into my computer screen this Feb. 13th, I can't help but think two things: 1) What a great topic this was to post, and 2) Given the desert of isolation I find myself in, my response may not be the most informative.But since I'm in the market for validation in any measure, here it goes...Had I the chance to do things over, I would have broken up with people more cleanly and honestly instead of trying to spare the other person's feelings. In retrospect, that would've saved a lot of unnecessary sufferring and ambiguity. When I was the one being broken up with, I would have allowed myself to react more emotionally to it - go on a bender instead of pretending I was OK with being just friends. In all, emotional honesty with oneself and others is better, even if being emotionally honest is more painful in the short term.What to look for in others?Complete mutual acceptance. That is, if her hobby is farting loudly in quiet movie theatres, don't think you can change her. Either accept it as part of who she is and just not like it (the two aren't mutually exclusive), or don't accept it, and instead look for someone whom you can accept wholly. Importantly, the same applies the other way around - expect to be accepted wholly, and if you're not, don't feel obliged to change. If you're a 400 lb guy who gets off running around the neighbourhood shirtless while rubbing chocolate on your nipples and singing Yankee Doodle Dandy, then that's who you are and who your significant other will have to accept as-is. Unfortunately, though, the world is such that people who are willing to accept 400 lb dudes with chocolate-covered man boobs are few and far between. Your choice, then, is between waiting a long time for total acceptance and satisfaction, or being untrue to yourself and attempting to change for someone else at the cost of long-term satisfaction.Life is patience. There is no such thing as choices between right or wrong, but rather only choices and their consequences, and the inevitable need to take responsibility for those consequences sooner or later, well or poorly.To sum up, I'd be honest about my emotions both with myself and others, then enter relationships if and only based on mutual, total acceptance.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): I'll just answer your first question.
I would have worn a condom EVERY time, no matter how strong the urge.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): Going anonymous here because this is embarrassing.I'm lucky, having seen so many dysfunctional relationships, it was easy to "almost be the best girlfriend in the world".1. I'm picky about men, so I'd do the same, just as I do now2. Have more self-confidence3. Seen a therapist to work on my own personal issues.4. Retain my independence within a relationship.... sigh.. I did for so long, but then changed and stayed at home. Big mistake. Don't change your core personality for any man, it will ruin things.For me to fancy a man, he has to be intelligent (not educated necessarily) he has to have strong personal morals (not led by society or religion) and he has to love women (little girls, old women, strangers) I also like men who like other people and are socially responsible. I like a man who is also comfortable with his own company, who has his own personal interests and goals.Being good in bed, being thin, being rich or handsome.. all these things are unimportant as they can be learned and practised by anybody.A man being a friend is important, lovers may hurt but friends try not to and they usually have your back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): I would take longer to really think things through before buying a house etc. It takes longer to untangle a life together than it does to get into one.I would make sure I was going to be able to achieve my goals whilst in the relationship. Love blinds you for a short while and once the infatuation wears off resentment can set in which is destructive to both of you. With a little caution if you need to separate you can do so positively without too much emotional damage.Don't get into a relationship where your potential partner has children unless the ex is reasonable and emotionally stable - I have learned this one myslef from bitter experience. Honesty, maturity, emotional intelligence, empathy, emotional stability.Look for compatibility, enjoying your partner's company, shared values, shared vision for the future such as wanting children, wanting to or not wanting to travel the world etc, being able to have fun together, being able to trust your partner with your feelings, feeling like this person is your best friend, their family understand boundaries and allow you to have your own relationship
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A
female
reader, Shelley Harris  +, writes (13 February 2011):
 Hi,
I agree with some of the points in the first answer, it is important to get to know one another, find out about their past, each others achievements, hopes dreams etc, find out as much as you can, love each other but be individuals and support each others ideas and dreams even if it's not your cup of tea. The best relationships are based on being best friends. Find out what each others 'needs' are and meet them, keep lines of communication open and when there is an issue talk about it honestly and work out a plan you can both be happy with.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): Spend as much time talking about all types of topics to really find out what's important to each other. Make sure you include the potentially uncomfortable topics such as religion and politics too! Do as many different things together as you can so that you get to see each other in uncomfortable areas as well. Don't move in together until you're at least just about married if even then. The problem with moving in together before you are married is that it stops the whole dating and courtship thing that really needs to happen. Don't feel like you are on a deadline and especially, have some fun!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): I would have never had a relationship in the first place, they're a complete waste of time, energy and emotional well-being. Good luck.
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