A
male
age
,
*rant
writes:I have been married for 11 years and have 2 children - 11 and 8. In the beginning (maybe the first year) things were great, but soon after I started rejecting my wifes advances for sex and affection. So we would go for months at a time without any love. I did this because I was not sure about my love for my wife and of course when we had big arguments. Anyway after many years of this stop start love, my wife has had enough, I don't blame her. She has found someone through chatting on the internet who can make her laugh and smile again. However now that I about to lose my wife forever, I have finally realised how much I truly love her. We have talked about this other person and my love for my wife, but of course she does not feel any love for me anymore. She has said she is willing to try to fix things, but that it will take a long time, after the hurt and lost affections. Here is a copy of the letter she wrote me to try and explain things:"I’m really sorry for what has happened and the hurt that it at cause you but I believe it had to happen sooner or later. Our marriage has been in trouble for a long time, I’ve been unhappy and terribly lonely for years. I know that you are not someone that shows a lot of affection but you did in the beginning and you have done so every time we have had a real low in our relationship. That is why it is also hard for me now to just believe that everything will be ok and solved, just like that, just because suddenly you are affectionate and thoughtful.I can’t just suddenly forget and start again, I need a lot of time, I need time to find emotions and love that have been lost in the years, I need time to trust that this time is not going to be like every other time, when I let myself hope that we had finally crossed the corner and things would improve, but was short lived. Believe me, I will never take easy solutions, I do care about you and our family and will try to make it work, but please don’t push me to hard! Don’t make me feel trapped in a corner, let me breath, take it slowly. Maybe you would like to make love and all, but right now I can’t, I want to enjoy you company without the sexual part of it, for that I really need time.In a sort of twisted way I’m glad you found the messages to Mike, the things I’ve written to him have been in my heart for so long……I never knew how to face them, how to raise all these issues without ending up with a big fight, I never knew how to make you understand how unhappy and lonely I have been feeling. For years I have tried to make you understand but I must admit that in the last year I have given up hope and lost the willingness to change things. Don’t know where we will go from here, time will tell, which ever decision we will come too, hopefully we will make them together for the love and respect of our children above all. We do have a lot in common, time will tell if we can find the love that will keep us together and make us happy again. But please give it time, that is all I’m asking you, I know it wont’ be easy for you because you are hurting and would like some assurances that everything will be fixed and we will live happily ever after, but right now I can’t give them to you, I can only say that I will try very hard".I am willing to do anything to save my marriage, however my wife does not want any touching or showing of intimacy because she is not ready, so I am not sure what I can do to show my love is real this time. I know love must come from the heart (and I certainly feel it for my wife), but how do we get to the next step without showing any physical affection? I tell my wife I love her, I bring her flowers, I have always helped around the house (cooking, washing up the dishes and some cleaning). I am not a great talker/communicator, so this makes it harder. I know I have been an absolute idiot for all these years and I don't want to love my wife. Please help me.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (5 May 2007):
 Your wife sounds like quite a catch - she's quite eloquent. I'm glad that you've grown to see that.
There's been a lot of wasted time in this marriage, and I think that you owe her the effort to fix things. I think maybe if you both can get vacation time, a little trip is in order. Plan something to do together... pick out brochures and find something that you'll both enjoy.
Better yet, when things are getting better, why not go the whole nine yards and renew your wedding vows? That will represent a new beginning and a new life together. Make you promises to each other again. Write your own vows and be reminded of exactly why you are together in the first place.
Write her little notes, I think it's great that you help out around the house - keep it up... pull out all the romance you can handle. Walk in the park, go for a picnic. Don't push her physically as she doesn't want to rush, but sometimes a kiss on the cheek, or a hand on the small of the back can speak louder than sex. It's the affection that she misses, feeling special and beautiful.
Flowers are good, but don't OVERWHELM her with your efforts. Make this as real and genuine as you can. Perhaps couples therapy might help you as well?
Have fun together. I think that laughter is a fabulous medicine...
I sincerely hope that your marriage works out. I think it can, it feels like both of you WANT it to work, it's just a matter of putting in the effort and communicating what you both need. I think your wife has taken a right step in writing you a note, explaining coherantly how she feels. Now it's your turn.
As "Anonymous" said, it's in the details.
Good luck, sweetness.
xxIndia
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2007): You say your not a great talker, you better become one really fast or your going to lose her and everything. Wake up to yourself and recognise whether you still love her or not, if you dont do the honest thing. There's no excuse at all, for you not showing her affection over a month let alone years, i mean isnt that deceiving her?? You make out you care but you dont really. Where's your head at?? Is it her??
How would you feel if you really lost her mate??
Its never too late, but you should start talking up about every and i mean every issue you have and treating her right. If you love her, you wont be sorry you did so!
PS: Dont be surprised if she finds someone else. That will make you feel pretty stupid?? Do you like wasting your life or something???
Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2007): Grant:
I KNOW what you're going through and how heavy your heart must be now. To answer you question directly, it's all in the little details. It's through these little acts that you will find yourself back into her good graces. Make sure that you do things for her that you may of not done before or have not in a long time. I don't know if you do these things already but just off the top of my head:
1. Open doors EVERY time for her
2. Cook dinner for her. . .and I'm not talking about frozen
3. Plan a surprise date
4. Send flowers
5. Take her out for lunch
6. Wash her car
The list of things you can do is endless! Just make sure you do them with a giving heart, if not your wife will see right through you! Remember when you first met and all of the little things you did?
I'm certainly no expert, but this is what I would do.
Best wishes!!
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