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female
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*om3x90
writes: I am 39 yrs old married for 16 yrs with three children. I am tired of being married and taken for granted. For our 10 yr anniversary I said how I would like to renew our vows in a church since we didn't get married in a church. Hubby states, he meant it the first time. We did renew our vows but the romance was out of it for me. For our 16 yr anniversary we went to the grocery store and Home Depot!!! Then this past Christmas I receive NOTHING!! There's so many another times he just isn't romantic and I am finally tired of fighting to be romanced. My question is how do I get him to romance me? I have given up on being the only romantic one in this relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2006): A good way to start is to quit complaining and change your attitude. A lot of guys just aren't romantic, and your husband may be one of them. You need to accept that. SERIOUSLY. I'm guessing he knows it bothers you that he's not more romantic. From the small amount of info in your letter, I'm guessing you make it clear to him fairly regularly. You drop little hints, you show subtle disappointment, etc. I have a weird feeling you're kind of passive agressive about it. Whether you think your feelings are justified or not, you need to change your attitude. Your husband may not ever change, and if he doesn't, your changed attitude will be critical to your long-term hapiness. If he does, it will only be after your attitude has changed a bit, and then, you'll be happy either way.
Learn to appreciate the things your husband does for you. Learn to see that he shows his love for you in things that don't involve flowers or candle light. THAT IS OKAY!! Watch how he sacrifices for the good of your family. See how much he cares about your three children. Notice how he agrees to things that don't mean much to him, simply because they'll make you happy. (Renewing your vows is a great case in point. It's not a defect in him that he didn't see the greatness of renewing your vows. It is a HUGE testament to his love for you that he did it anyway, because he wanted to make you happy.)
It sounds to me like your husband wants you to be happy, but it's hard, because he doesn't know how. And I gather that instead of telling him (Hey - our anniversary is next month. Let's do something special and go away somewhere.), you get frustrated that he doesn't just do it on his own. When you have to remind him, (like the vows), you feel like the value of whatever special thing you wanted is lost just because it wasn't his idea.
One last thing. If your husband knows you wish he was more romantic and would like to be, but just doesn't know how, consider proposing a new strategy. Tell him you want to get about 30 strips of paper, and write down little things that you would think were really romantic. Like surprising you with flowers, or asking you on a date, etc. Then leave them places for him. Slip one in his wallet from time to time, or tape one to his steering wheel. Hide one in his sock drawer, etc. When he sees them, from time to time, he can try to do whatever it is that's on the slip. The only catch is that you can't expect too much. If you leave a note in his wallet, give it a week or two before you feel like he can't even do the simplest romantic act with completely obvious hints.
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female
reader, AgonyAuntsonEBAY +, writes (3 January 2006):
 Hi there.
I was married to one of the most unromantic men ever. I don't think your husband will see the need to change.
I read the 'Men are from Mars, Women from Venus' book. It explains that men and women are different and have different ways of expressing their love. It shows you the way to behave to train him to notice you - talking to him just won't help! A man's idea of 'romance' is usually way of the mark!
As some consolation, at least it is highly unlikely that he is being romantic with someone else!
Most men are just not romantic, especially when they have been in a relationship for some time.
How do think he would react to the two of you spending some time on a weekend away without the kids? Please don't expect much from him.
Try to think of what attracted you to each other in the first place.
There are many women and men out there who would love to be in the same relationship for as long as you two have been. Try to imagine life without him - you might be surprised - you might even begin to appreciate him.
You obviously do a lot for your family - try doing a bit less - and asking for his help but check the Mars book for the right way to ask.
I know things will work out for the best for your family.
X
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (3 January 2006):
 You didn't say wheter he EVER was romantic. If he never was to begin with, then he simply may not know how to be. You may have to encourage him starting with small things. Give him a radient smile or hug whenever he does or says anything REMOTELY romantic or thoughtful. You may have to make a really big stretch here to find something but do try. Keep doing the little romantic things you've been doing all these years and if he tries to imitate respond hugely no matter how lame his attempt may be. It's worth a try anyway and it may work for you, this is from a woman whose husband bought her a snowblower one year for Christmas and was totally shocked at the fact that I wasn't overwhelmed with joy. Takes time but you can train them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2006): It really sounds like the romance got buried in the everyday clutter of life of your life. Quite common with long married folks and I certainly can relate. It's can be incredibly difficult to make a special effort to keep the spark alive. Sometimes couples run in so many directions at once, they get off course. But usually when this happens, a simple, honest, open statement of feelings can help clarify things. Have you tried really talking about this to him? If your husband's romantic disconnection to you is unintentional, it could be you need to find a stronger voice and tell him what 'exactly what you need'. However, if he's doing this with the knowledge or intention to hurt you, it suggests you have a serious problem. You both may have grown 'indifferent'. So you both need to sit down and have a serious chat of where your marriage is heading. You both have mouths, so you need to learn how to communicate and work together as a married couple. Marriage is a two-way commitment between a man a woman and you have a right to be heard...I also suggest you seek some couple counselling..maybe your husband needs to hear a third party opinion from a well trained professional. Sometimes, that all it takes..because if he's been hearing you tell him what "you need" all these past years..he's obviously not listening and you, he may have some "respect" issues...or the lack of it, in this marriage. Please-look into counselling if he's not hearing and respecting your needs. It's not easy being in your shoes when one loves someone and they just aren't responding. Make your needs known, hun. Good luck, dear and take care. Be strong
Hugs Irish
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female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (3 January 2006):
 Dearie, i would have suggested you talk to him and let him know how u feel. i am sure if u have already done that.
Also,my mum used to complain about my dad doing the same and he only recently started getting her gifts and cards becos she was getting him all the time and he felt embarrased receiving gifts and cards from her so he started reciprocating. they have been married now for 36years.maybe u could try that as well.
All i can say is the your husband possibly does that becos he doesnt see the need like my dad did. u have to show him it means alot to you. Not just the gift but to feel valued and appreciated.
If the problem persist then u can try counselling.
good luck dear
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