A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've long admired from afar an older woman I know, and it's obvious that she has, at least at one time, fancied me too. Since it's been many months since our last meeting or communication, I'm not sure of where she stands today. But, I remember our connection to be intense. We always had each other smiling, blushing, staring, teasing, and I'm certain the people around us at the time picked up on this blazing attraction. I'd say our connection is most profound on the intellectual level; we needed few clues to understand each other, and we were ever-supportive of the other's beliefs and goals, even if they differed from our own. I've never connected to a single individual as thoroughly as I have to this wonderful woman.There have been just a few deterrents to our being together, though. The first: she's been married for quite some time, to a man I've never met. (I've always wondered whether her attraction to a woman ever fazed her.) Even though she is so heavily flirtatious and inviting with me (I dare say in love with me) I can't assume that she does not love her husband and would want to disturb the life she's built with him just to let me in. On the other hand, she's a smart, cunning older woman who I'm sure knows exactly what she was doing when she was flirting with me; sure, sometimes we respond autonomically to the attraction we feel for others, but I think we can curb it once we become conscious of it. She's never seemed to make an effort to dial her emotions down when we're together. In fact, I think her behavior when in person with me has always said, "Come hither."The second deterrent is our professional involvement. This woman is my friend and mentor, and if our sweet love were ever to sour down the road, I wonder whether I could still count her among my resources. The nature of our mentorship had us e-mailing frequently, mostly with an academic pretext. But, when things really heated up between us a few months ago, I made the error of writing to her from the heart and stating in a veiled way how I felt about her. (We're creative writers, so I guess we're able to dream up new ways of saying familiar things.) After sending that particularly mushy e-mail, I saw her at an event, and she tried to pretend that she didn't see me. Her behavior had me crushed. Since then, a period of six months, we haven't been in much contact as far as lovers go - only three or four times. I sense that she needs her space right now, but that's just a guess - who knows what she's truly feeling but her? And how will I know if I didn't ask her?For me, these are no fleeting butterflies in the stomach. This is the deepest devotion I've felt towards anyone, ever. While I'm always skeptical of my senses, I do feel confident that I'm not incorrect in feeling that she loves me, too. Maybe this is an unusual and seemingly unlikely configuration, she and I, but the connection between us is as strong and true as I know anything else to be. This is why this all means so much to me. Sometimes I feel that I can't go on without knowing what could've been (or still can be), but I can't bring myself to contact her and ask her honestly what has transpired between us; I risk injuring the dignity of our relationship, or ruining it altogether (something I feel I already have begun to do by being too forward in those e-mails). In determining whether or not to ask her for her honesty, I'll need to determine which is most important to me: the need to know the truth of the matter, which will put my mind at ease but put the relationship we know at risk, or the ability to keep around the person who I am richer for knowing, the person I aspire to be, the person I admire, and emulate, and love more than I've ever loved anything or anyone else, all without the complications of feelings.Just what do I do?
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crush, flirt, married woman, period, teasing Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): Hi youre waxing lyrical about this woman and your unrequited love for her but protect yourself from a fall. She is a flirtatious, married women and when you over stepped the mark she recoiled. A sensitive, intelligent man would understand what that means! Dont cultivate your feelings for her. Look for someone more suitable to fall in love with or you will just cause problems for this woman
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 December 2009):
She's a married lady, so it wasn't really going anywhere anyway. I wonder if that email made her realize that you saw more in the relationship than she did, and she thought it would be better to allow you to move on.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 December 2009):
 I think you have a very vivid imagination! You say it is many months since your saw each other or communicated, and yet you claim she is your friend and mentor. Friends and especially mentors don't go months without communication.
The biggest hint of all is the fact she avoided you after you sent her a mushy email - creative writers eh? Not creative enough to convince me there was even a whiff of a sexual connection between you.
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