A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How can I get my partner to trust me?We've been together 5 years, I've NEVER done anything that's remotely disloyal or unfaithful. When we met I had a few male friends, I'm now not allowed to speak to any of them despite the fact that all I've ever had with these guys is friendship and nothing more. I used to be a social butterfly, had lots of friends and a great social life, now I rarely go out and when I do I'm questioned where I'm going and who with and more often than not he makes a fuss or sulks so it ended up being easier to just stay in. I am self employed and travel the local area doing what I do, he has on many occasions turned up where I'm working to 'check if I'm really working' including turning up to a training course to see if I was actually on it - he couldn't see my car in the car park (as I'd parked in the overflow car park) so he rang my company's head office to ask if there was really a course - and openly tells me he does these things because he doesn't trust me.I've put up with it for so long, I've moved away from my home town to go to his, I've changed my appearance to shut him up, I've changed everything about myself to please him and it's still not worked. Even though I know practically no one where we live he still accuses me of of cheating.. for example we'll be out for dinner and a man might walk past and he'll drop a comment like 'bet you've shagged him' or 'bet that's the type of guy you'd like'. The best of it is, not only is my other half ridiculously attractive himself, he is actually a wonderful man despite these trust issues. When we've spoken about it he just tells me that he's insecure and worried I'll leave him and of course the good old 'it's not you I don't trust, it's just everyone else'....
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (24 October 2018):
 Edit: ‘The thought of relationships like this make my skin crawl’
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (24 October 2018):
Come on. Get real here.
Tell me one reason why you’re staying? You’re not married, don’t have kids and surely can’t love this man so the only thing tying you do him is the house. You said you moved to his town so I’m assuming the house is his? If so then you have nothing holding you back from leaving this deadbeat.
He’s isolated you from your family and friends, you’ve changed your appearance and personality to please him. Does this sound like a loving relationship? Are you really justifying the behaviour because he’s attractive and besides all of this he’s a ‘nice guy’?
He’s really not a nice guy, he’s a loser, a manipulative bully, an absolute control freak. Are you planning on living the rest of your life like this? What do your family and friends think of his behaviour? I doubt you’ve told them as you know they would be advising you to leave ASAP. He is an absolute creep and the thought of relationships make my skin crawl. I don’t even know how people have the energy and enthusiasm to track their partner like this, if my girlfriend decided to cheat on me one day then fine, she’s out the door, simple. I’d never resort to stalker like tactics.
You really need to leave this guy, it’s astounding that you’ve put up with this for 5 years to be quite honest. He is a loser, let him play his sad little games with someone else. Get out immediately, whilst you still can! This has all the signs of a relationship that could turn physically abusive.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2018): So, after five years; exactly what will it take for you to see this man is mentally-unstable?
You're a slave and an emotional-hostage.
Why are you giving-up so much??? Including putting your business and livelihood at risk; when nothing you do appeases his insane jealousy? He holds the brass ring 10 feet out of your reach; and you're still jumping trying to grab it.
THE MAN ISN'T EVEN YOUR HUSBAND...HE'S A FREAKING BOYFRIEND!
In fact, after he has put you through all this for five years; what do you get out of this relationship that makes you suffer to keep it? Is he rich, a warlock holding you under a spell? Has he threatened to hurt you if you tried to leave him?
In a relationship, if you can't accomplish something in five years; most people would just assume it can't be done. Most people would leave a person who won't trust them in a five-year span of time! Especially someone who isn't even their spouse!
He can shove his distrust so far up his rectum it pokes through the top of his skull! You've done enough!
You must help yourself, and seek therapy. He is your obsession and weakness.
You'll ask for advice, but it is unlikely it will be put to use. You've developed an obsession for trying to please this guy; and you've become somewhat of a martyr, enslaved to his jealousy. Taking his punishment year after year.
A post wasn't necessary. You live this hell day after day; and you already know it isn't going to be resolved until you leave him.
So any sane person would wonder, after doing all that you've done; while enduring all his craziness. Why am I doing this? Why am I trying, if it doesn't work no matter what I do?
You are wondering what you can do for him. The question is, what are you going to do for yourself? You can't change him.
You've isolated yourself, you're giving up family and friendships; and you're sacrificing your only means of income. Your own business! He has humiliated you in-front of your clients!
I wouldn't do business with someone I felt might suddenly go out of business; because he or she can't deal with domestic-issues that finds its way right in-front of me to witness!!! I wouldn't trust you either! Not with my money!
I've got to use tough-love with women who write posts like yours. They are the least likely to follow good advice; because they're looking for answers to help her please the man, and magically transform him from an asshole to a good man. "...but I love him!" Then comes the second-post that explains she was only ranting. It's not as bad as it seemed.
That means it's even worse than anyone of us could imagine!
What would your mother and father tell you to do? What have your friends suggested you should do? For God's sake, what is your own sense of logic and common-sense telling you to do?
You will never gain his trust; because his objective is to own you like his property. Cut you off from any form of outside support. Control you, and dictate your every move.
Measure your every breath, and his face is looking-up from the toilet when you sit-down!
HE IS A CERTIFIED NUTCASE, A WHACKO, AND HE'S DANGEROUS!
He will not trust you, and has assigned you an unreachable goal; because that is how he controls you!!!
Sorry, if you don't like my advice. You probably will overlook or ignore my response; but if there is another reader who can benefit from it. I pray they will read it and use it, if you won't!
Leave him, and move back to where the people are who love you unconditionally; and trust you because you deserve it. People you have no reason to prove anything to, to get it!
He has worn your will down so badly; you think your life's mission is to gain his unobtainable trust. Keep trying!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2018): Go home letter writer.I know five years is a long time.You are not safe with this guy.This will escalate.Do not say but I love him.no matter how hard you try it will get worse.They trick you into thinking they are nice guys.Then little by little he picks at your self esteem.Then he isolates you from family and friends.This is so textbook it is not funny.You know what comes next?He beats you...don't think it will happen to you?If you stay with him it will.Then he kills you if not that then you end up in prison for killing him while you try to defend yourself.Do not tell him you are leaving.Form an escape plan.Do not call him or let him Know where you are once you are safe.Before you leave make sure your phone does not have a GPS or tracking program he could find you with...he could have put one on without you knowing.Be safe.Please go home.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2018): "How can I get my partner to trust me?"You can't.It's not a trust issue, it's a control issue. He wants to keep you on the defensive so you will bend to his will. Isolating you from family and friends is textbook controlling boyfriend behavior.And if he feels as though he can't control you verbally, then there is a very good chance he will attempt to control you physically.Dump him and return to your hometown.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 October 2018):
 You know, OP
If you wasted another 5-10 years on this guy he would STILL accuse you of cheating. It's NOT about you. It's about HIM. HIS insecurities.
You have given up your friends, your social life for him, altered your looks to please him, moved away from the area you lived in, he is in short... ISOLATED you from your life as you knew it.
HOW is that him being a great guy?
He didn't WANT to be with you! He wanted you to fit into HIS mold of a partner, he CONSTANTLY keeps you on your toes with the accusations...
This is SO unhealthy and I don't see him TRYING to figure out how to build trust for you. I don't see him doing SHIT in order to be the man you think he can be.
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