A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 8 months broke up with me 5 months ago. He said "we are comfortable but it doesnt mean it's gonna go anywhere." He said he has been thinking about it for a few weeks and I was getting obsessed with the relationship. I don't feel sad anymore, though I sometimes think it's my fault or things I did that led him to break up with me, I am much better now.We are friendly with each other, we've met once one month after the BU, since I wanted to get my stuff back and he suggested getting a drink. Afterwards, we have been friendly with each other, just some happy birthday msg, festival greetings, and sometimes ask the other about where to get some stuff etc. We've bumped into each other on the street, I was with my friend and it was a bit awkward.Recently starting from a month ago, we sometimes would be in the same events. At first, we just "hi" each other, and then barely talked for the rest of the night. Then he started talking to me a bit more since I still felt awkward starting conversation with him. During the NYE, I texted him happy new year and he told me he got a cut on his face which he needed stitches and he was freaking out very badly, kept asking me what to do w the wound, whether it's gonna scar. (since I study medicine). He even asked if he could call me and ask me questions about it the morning, I was like okay and he did. We mainly talked about his cut and we caught up a bit about each other's NYE celebration. For the next couple of days until he could get his stitches off, he texted me everyday asking all sorts of questions about his cut (actually the cut is not that bad), and I did reply his every msg (when I don't know the answer, I would actually do some serious searching for it). He would ask me about my studies, and when he freaked out abt scarring, I would try to cheer him up. We were at the same event again last week, we talked but usually in the presence of other people attending the same event. We were the only ones taking the same train home afterwards, and we talked the whole time, mainly him asking me about my daily lives and studies. I realized I still care about him (I wouldnt be that patient with his constant texting me asking me the same questions again and again, and he could actually google the stuff himself). But I think he's moved on. He's the one that left and he said he's been thinking for a few weeks. And we havent texted each other after he got his stitches off. I feel like I am probably just his doormat, but then somehow I still care about him? And sometimes since we now sorta able to get along when we are at the same place, it got me wonder how did our relationship go wrong in the first place? what has happened? is it really because of me "talking" about a problem in the relationship I had, which didnt go well, and 2-3 bickerings I did when we were texting?Do people still care about their ex? either you left them or they left you?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2014): You are doing a very dangerous thing. You are keeping your feelings in suspended-animation. You are delaying the progress of your recovery from your breakup. You are becoming emotionally dependent; when all he is doing is using you as a band-aid over his guilt.
He is moving on. You are in the same place he left you when you broke up. He moved on before you broke-up. He had a head-start. Now he is giving you the false-impression you may get back together. It isn't going to happen. He just happens to be in a better place than you are. As always, he used your feelings to cater to his vanity. He was worried about a freaking scar.
What about the scar forming on your broken-heart?
End all communication until you can move on. Until you no longer feel there is any possibility you will get back together. When all the false-hope has dissolved.
It is far too soon for you to be in communication. Your showing up in the same places is no coincidence. You are revisiting places you subconsciously know he'll be. You are in denial, that you are stalking him.
"Accidentally on purpose," you just so happen to run into him. Do you really think WiseOwlE is going to fall for that one? Girlfriend, please!!!
You have to get back to no-contact, or you'll be frozen in this state of wishing him to come home. He'll start dating other people, and you will suffer from the knowledge. You'll have conciliatory sex; and regret it. You'll become obsessed with when he'll make a move to get back together.
Constantly waiting, and waiting. It will never happen.
Writing your story tells the story of everyone who has broken up with someone. You're not going to be over him in a blink. He was over you enough to dump you. Do you remember that?
Six months from now, you're still going to be clinging to a make-believe friendship. All the while, wishing you were a couple again.
When you tire of the frustration, and decide you really want to move on. You will let go, and find your freedom.
It's a long and agonizing process. I know; because I've recently been there. You will have to learn as you go.
Words of advice mean little when you're in pain and suffering from the grief of a loss. However; time is a healer. You have to listen to logic; it will put you on the right path. I trust that it will.
Trust me, I know exactly how it feels.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2014): He is obviously still fond of you. But there it stops I would say. So I would try and draw a mental line under the relationship. Try not to be in contact with him as you will find it easier to adjust, rather than if he is still popping in and out of your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2014): It sucks for a while but you do get over it. It's hard to see it that way but you Will be ok
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (12 January 2014):
 I meant "deterring" not "referring." My apologies.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (12 January 2014):
In this case, it seems you are hoping that your ex may still hold on to some feelings for you. While it may be possible, it seems pretty unlikely.
It seems he was legitimately only texting you for medical answers and because he was stressed. I think he views you as his friend. And friends text each other when they need advice.
If I were you, I would not hold on to any shred of hope of getting him back. Just work on trying to be his friend and moving on, if you are interested in that. To hold on to any hope would ultimately be referring yourself from getting over him.
Good luck.
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