A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have an amazing boyfriend that I have been dating for 2 years. He is out of the country right now and I am home without him. I cheated on him this week with a friend of mine. We were really drunk and i was indiscriminate, we were making out at a party. He came home with me and we slept together.I spent the next day a mess because of the guilt. but then the day afer that we hooked up again after a party. and someone saw us kissing.my boyfriend is coming back in a couple days and i don't know whether or not to tell him. there is a decent chance he will find out. we are very much in love and co-dependent and i think (hope) he would forgive me. should i tell him? if yes does any one have tips on how to approach situation? i never want this to happen again. i was drunk and lonely and selfish and i have no idea how to deal with the guilt.
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male
reader, Organ Donor  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 You are not being honest.
You werent drunk the second time.
So you have to ask yourself why you did it twice?
Is there something missing in your current relationship?
If not, why have you done this and then repeated it 24 hours later?
A
female
reader, surferx16  +, writes (18 April 2010):
From personal experience I would tell him now. You'd be surprised on what the other spouse does. If you tell him now he will be very angry with you but if he truly loves you then you guys will be able to work. My personal advice is STOP DRINKING NOW. I am going through the same thing and I drank and cheated and then I told my boyfriend who i love so much. That's the hardest thing ever. To tell them you just ruined everything. I'd stop drinking especially with the friend of yours if you really want him to think your sorry. The sooner you tell the better you'll feel and maybe in the end everything will work out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much everyone. i really appreciate your advice. i will let you know what happens.
:)
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (18 April 2010):
 I believe this is an in person occasion. Certain things are disrespectful if discussed by other means, and I think this is one of them.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (18 April 2010):
Approach with empathy, guilt, remorse, and humble yourself to him. These decisions you made are not small attacks. I get hard on people who cheat, because working with so many victims of cheating, I know the damage caused. Many people cheated on receive equivalent trauma to a rape victim. So it's not a small deal.
I'd sit him down and tell him you have something that you need to talk to him about, and gently go into what lead up to and what took place while he was gone. Let him know how you feel about what you did. And not buttering it up because of guilt, but how do you feel about this indiscretion. Be apologetic, if that's how you feel. I remember when I was cheated on years ago. I felt that I wasn't good enough for her, so she chose someone else to do it with. So you'll have those obstacles to overcome. It won't be easy. Ask yourself this for future reference. Was it worth it?
I hope this time it works out for you. I will also say, if it happens again, my hope may not be resting as much in your favor.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionalso, should i tell him before or after he comes back? we live together, but are based between countries right now and he will be here for 3 months. if i tell he might not come back, do i owe him that choice? at the same time it is something i want to do in person and not over phone or email.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you very much for your reply. i am not sure how to bring it up though, how to approach this as sensitively as possible?
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (18 April 2010):
The first time cheating could be believable, but where you repeated the act, why?????
I believe you need to be the one who tells him first. Don't wait for the rumor to get around and reach him. That's shows trying to avoid it, and makes your intent look worse. Remember, the drunk excuse only covers the first time. You went back, partied and hooked up again, therefore you are at full blame and can't use alcohol to excuse that behavior.
Whether or not he forgives you is not important. What is, that you come clean and give him the opportunity to choose based on the information you give him. It's his right to know. If he does forgive you, you'll have trust that he had extended you, gone and needing to be rebuilt. You'll be in for an uphill battle. It'll be a difficult one. One the other hand, if he chooses not to forgive, then you'll need to just step aside and let him go. That too is his choice.
Just remember, the first time was your first time, the second hookup you became a repeat cheater. Two separate days, two separate times. For your sake, I hope your relationship is as strong as you say. Update us and let us know what happened.
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A
female
reader, JodieWee +, writes (18 April 2010):
 I know how you feel. I can relate to that overwhelming feeling of regret.. Although, I'm assuming you are feeling it ten times worse. I've only ever cheated once and it was a small peck on the lips that fell in a passionate take over. I was smart enough to put a stop to it before it got out of hand. I have had several times when I've been drunk. Suddenly straight girl's become bisexual when you tell them you are a lesbian. Next thing you know your lips are upon her own. (Please do forgive me if you are homophobic, but I wanted to answer your little problem.) I'm not entirely sure how drunk you were, but I think everyone can relate to how hard is it to control yourself when you are drunk. If you can really confirm that the kiss, the lust that took place on that night was a mistake, that it would never even cross your mind to do such a thing when you are sober, then you know it won't become too much of a problem.Now.. You shouldn't put yourself down because of a mistake. You may have been lonely, but you were not selfish. You were not entirely responsible for your actions. The way you are describing yourself is making you seem like a terrible person. When I'm sure you are a delightful woman. You need to think about those 2 years you've had with your boyfriend. You should think about how much love he has within you, how devoted he is to you and you only. If he really does love you, then he will probably forgive you. I can't say it'll all be fine and dandy, though. Because there will always be that doubt hidden away, pushed aside somewhere in his heart. I know this from experience when my first partner cheated on me. We were only together from 2 months, so the bond wasn't that strong. But you on the other hand.. That's a full two years spent with the woman he loves, so the bond'll be stronger. You need to take the connection that the two of you hold, and work through it together. If you try and do it alone it'll end up with you ending up a complete mess. You have to be there for him, and he has to be there for you. You know that little thing when someone stands behind you and you fall back? They catch you. When you build up the courage to tell your boyfriend what happened, you'll need to be ready to catch him. Because if he falls, he'll fall hard only to end up with a broken heart. Of course he'll then need to catch you. Because of the hurt, guilt, etc. You say that you never want it to happen again. So do you know what you need to do? You need to put trust within yourself. You need to trust yourself not to allow it to happen. And if you can't do that for yourself, at least do it for the man you love.I hope it works out.- Jodie.
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