A
male
age
30-35,
*vdmatsunaga
writes:What's up everyone, totally new to the website and first time poster but hoping to get a lot more active. Just some background on me so you know where I'm coming from.21 years old, virgin (but hopefully not for long, more on that in a bit)Well last semester this one girl (who I have been friends with since freshman year) and I started hanging out a lot. Anyway as time went on she started complaining about her boyfriend. Coming from very humble beginnings myself I always reminded her to take it easy on him, actually felt bad knowing exactly what that's like. After a few weeks she ended up breaking up with him and that's when things changed. She started coming over a lot more, started sleeping over on the couch and eventually in my bed. I pretty much knew where this was headed but anyway I played it cool for a bit. So one night I kissed her neck, she turns around, boom hour long make out session. So we got more and more intimate but when things got hot and heavy she'd tell me to relax and calm down, saying she'd just broken up and that she had a switch that she could turn on and off, things needed to go slower. I didn't mind at all. Eventually she told me she thought she had a switch because of her ex, "I guess he kind of sucked." Blah, this is when I started feeling the pressure to perform. Anyway I ended up asking her out and now we're officialAnyway one night after a few hours of studying we ended up going on a drive to check out some Indian landmark in the middle of nowhere smoking some weed on our way up. So we get there, check it out, and chill staring at the sky on my hood. We end up making out and we slowly move to my backseat. Everything was going fine and she says "Wow, weed kind of turns off my switch haha, no switch tonight." So she starts taking off my shirt and hers and from one second to the next I'm thinking "Oh ^^, this is ^^ing happening right now in my backseat in the middle of nowhere." I start sweating and freezing up the whole time thinking "WTF this isn't me, I ^^ing want this I shouldn't be feeling like this dammit wtf get it together." Sympathetic nervous system in full drive now, complete flight or fight the whole damn time. So she just ended up grinding me and making out surely wondering what was wrong and waiting for me to pounce on her like white on rice. She didn't think anything of it and I just told her I was tired. I on the other hand couldn't believe what had just happened, I couldn't explain it. I never worried about this before and I was fine any other time, I even bought condoms for damn thing. This is when the anxiety started. I never had stress or anxiety before but now it was spreading like a plague. All these irrational thoughts started popping up completely out of the blue and I couldn't get them out of my head. What if I can't get it up, what if I lose it when I grab the condom or put it on, what if I can't get aroused around her again, what if I can't stop thinking about it when I'm with her, what the hell do I tell her, how do I not let her down? Vicious cycle ensued. From one day to the next I went from confident/happy go lucky to a wreck. I've always been an analytical person so I scoured the internet for every piece of information I could find and I guess its just all psychological which I'm finding can be worse than physiological. I just want to go back to before all this, I want to not give a damn. She's a super supportive person and always talks about how she's so happy to be dating her best friend. She doesn't know I'm a virgin, none of my friends do and I don't think it matters either way. They've all known me as a confident ladies man which I was a doing a good job of building up to until my cage got rattled.Anyway It's summer now and we live in different states so luckily I have time for myself to get over this crap. I've started introducing meditation, affirmations, no porn/no masturbating, and subliminal messages into my daily routine. Pretty much anything to change my mindset. I'm finding that actually writing about it helps a ton.So yeah just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience, and any advice at all would be extremely appreciated. It's been a rough past couple of weeks but it's definitely gotten better. Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2013): My boyfriend was a virgin when we first had sex in college. I was not, so I was not nearly as anxious about it as he was. Having a reassuring partner helped him, and it sounds like you have the same type of partner. If you two have the natural chemistry together, which it really sounds like you do from the make out sessions and friendship aspect, you really need not over think things. She probably thinks her ex sucked since they didn't have chemistry together like you two do. That's something you can definitely determine without sleeping with a person. Ask her what she likes, and follow instructions accordingly. I think she should know you are a virgin so she can maybe help you out more. Most girls that I know would find that attractive, since you are sharing something very special with this girl, and it would make her feel even more special to you. She's not going to go out and tell your friends that you were a virgin, you can still have the ladies-man image, but it's good to just be honest. Since you were such great friends before you began dating, any awkwardness should not be a big deal. Even people who have had sex before have to get used to the individual likes/dislikes of a new partner. Just have fun and be yourself. Hope this helps! Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2013): You sound just lovely! You have nothing to worry about, you're an attractive, thoughtful, quirky guy, who's with an appropriately lovely girl! :) everyone's insecure about stuff- and any girl that's worth your time will give you all the support you deserve :) I'm still a virgin, by choice- I'm attractive, nice and all. And well done, writing about stuff is really the simplest but most effective thing for getting over stuff- it really objectifies things I find :) How to get over it? Mind over matter.., everyone's good at something; think about something you're good at - e.g socialising, maths- how,would you persue this and find you're good t this unless you ignore those demons in your head - saying " you're s**t you can't do anything" You do what you need to do, you're great, genuine, intense and if you need a small drinkpoos or tokepoos or whatever to relax, do it- I believe most things are beneficial in small quantities! Mind over matter :) Good luck! :) x
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