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anonymous
writes: I have been married for almost 6 years. My wife has been a nurse for the last 5 years and has always had the desire to become a doctor. Last September she successfully secured a place on a medical degree course at University. At first she was commuting to University on a daily basis, as it is only a 30-45 minute drive. In October she decided that it would be better for her to get student accommodation as her studies were very intense and she was also working at the hospital at weekends. Our sex life has not been particularly good over the past 3 years, but it has now come to complete stop. She does not want any intimacy at all. She has also told me that she wants a compete break from our relationship and that she needs time to think about her future with me. I have 2 children from a previous relationship and my ex-partner was diagnosed with breast cancer in October 2003. She is not undergoing any convential medical treatment. My wife feels that she cannot cope with studying and having 2 teenage children around on a full time basis. Although we are still talking and have agreed that we will try to remain 'good friends', we have discussed the option of selling our house, and going our own ways. Is there anything that more that can be done? I h ave tried to compromise as far as possible. Should we go our own way,or should I stick this out and hope that the exictement of this new found student life may fade away? I love her very much and this is really killing me. I find myself crying and find it diffcult to concentrate at work. Please can you give some advice? She had told me that there is no-one else involved, she just wants to focus 100% on her career.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006):
The point of becoming a doctor (unless you want to be a researcher) is for the status or to help humanity. The later would suggest you have a lot of compassion, but in her case it doesnt seem to be true. Its more of an "I cant be bothered commuting", "I cant be bothered with these children" and "I can be bothered being married".
So it sounds like she is in it for the status. Why dont you confort her with it? Unless the priorities change, I dont see how you work things out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006): i feel so sorry for you i'm going through the same thing and know exactly how you feel but sometimes we just have to let go and try and get on with it it wouldn't be easy i'm not going to lie good luck
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (25 January 2005):
 Perhaps this really is a case of; 'if you love someone, let them go and if they come back to you, then they are yours, if they don't, they never were.'I think that you don't really have much choice but to let your wife go and fulfil her ambitions. I think it seems as if you have done all you can do. I assume you have spoken to her in detail and expressed how you feel. Does she want to compromise at all? Does she want to be married to you at all? At the end of the day, marriage is about compromise and your wife doesn't seem willing to do this. If anything, she is appearing very selfish and your needs are not being acknowledged.Have you suggested seeing a couples counsellor together? Is your wife prepared to put any effort into your marriage?I think that once you have established this, then you can plan for the future. Your future. You need to consider the fact that your wife may be thinking only of herself and even if you do wait for the excitement of student life to fade away, your marriage also may fade away. If she really wants to concentrate 100% on her career and you aren't included in her future plans, then you must think about what you want out of life that in this case doesn't involve her. I know this is hard and my heart goes out to you but I think you need to put yourself first as she certainly isn't. It is understandable that she wants to pursue her dreams but it shouldn't be at the cost of your feelings and emotions.Consider also your children and being there for them. They will reward you in turn by being there for you. Think about your own interests, things that you have always wanted to do, places you may have always wanted to go, groups you may want to join. Try to build up your own life and have the goal in your mind that you are going to do all you can to make yourself as happy as possible while your wife studies. Develop your confidence.Your wife may well find that university is not quite what she expected and then you can decide whether you want to be there for her or not.I wish you very good luck.
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