A
female
age
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*eelingLikeADumbAss
writes:I am posting to this group hoping to get some support. 17 years ago, I was married for 5 years just had our first baby. My husband tells me has some kinds of bugs in his pubic hair. Stupid, naive, catholic school girl like me looks it up and finds out it is pubic lice. He tells me he must have got them from the portable toilet at work. He works in construction. I didn't buy it and I did some investigating and found out there is only one way to get them. I confronted him and he denied it and swore to me he never did anything. A part of me knew he was lying and the other part of me wanted to believe him. He has always been so jealous and possessive and I always knew that was the reason but I could never get him to admit until this week. He tells me he was at an office party, drinking and his buddies were pressuring him into it. He took her out back and screwed her and got crabs. One thing to be unfaithful but a skank. I cannot believe this. I know he had been watching porn on the internet. This year he lied to me about a pay per view for Porn and let our boys take the blame for it. My oldest told me he saw him watching it, busted. This brought back the memories and has been eating away at me. I thought if you would lie about watching porn you would lie about anything. I am so hurt, I can't stop crying and I can't believe that he did this only once. How could you so casually have sex with someone only once and to think he probably didn't even wear a condom we could both be dead from aids? I have been putting things together that have happened over the past. He worked lots of overtime and he was salaried so he could lie and get away with it. 3 of his best friends at work have been single guys that are known for this kind of behavior. So how can I believe him when he says it only happened once? Our sex life has suffered over the years because of this. I could never let go because I knew he was lying to me. He wasn't getting much at home so there is little doubt in my mind that he did it more then once.My dilemma is I want my children to grow up as a family, we have a beautiful home and are financially secure. I don't want to give me my life but I don't think I can ever forgive him. I don't know what to do I feel nothing for him right now but anger and disgust, I don't know if I will ever get past that. I don't want to be sad like this. I don't want to tell any of my friends because I honestly don't trust them not to blab it. This is very embarrassing and hurtful. For the last few years he has been coming home early and not working late, I don’t think anything is going on now. I think most of it was staying after work and drinking at the work site with his buddies but I can bet there were times when women were involved. It has always bothered me that he does not wear a wedding ring. He says he doesn’t want to ruin it at work. I think it is an excuse and he doesn’t want other women to know he is married. I think he is hurting, not sure if it as much as I am. My kids are teenagers and he told them he did something very wrong to me. They see me crying I can't help it. I can't get out of my head. I always thought I wanted to know but now that I do, I don't know what to do. To be honest, I don't think I love him anymore. He was my best friend and now I have no one I can talk to. He has ruined our future, he has ruined my life. I just want this pain to go away.
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at work, best friend, condom, infidelity, jealous, porn, pubic hair, sex life, the internet, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008): BETRAYAL OF YOUR ONE AND ONLY ISNT EASY TO SWALLOW..
I feel reading your story I am reading exactly what happened to me I almost had to read it again to realize this wasnt me. I have been married 18 years, my husband was a man to also treat me like gold...he was my first and only and I was his I was also naive, a catholic european girl my husband became interested in the net and found a skank on the net, a crack addict mom of three. I felt devastated when I found out my world crashing and like you my 17 year old son knew his father was on the net and was blamed many times for my husbands porn sites....The pain I dont think it will go away, I also feel disgust for what my husband did due to the way I was brought up and the morals he and I were both brought up to believe in my husband also is doing everything he can to make what he lost in me come back, I am trying...I think our husbands are sorry and disgusted by the sin they committed because we as wives found out they feel they let us down and that we dont probably look at them as our knights in shining armours..I am sorry if I dont make sense but this affair of my husband is still very fresh and I feel very bitter even though he is there 24/7 trying to make things right..Was it the first time for these men to do this I question it who will ever know....This is the card we were delt with now we have to move on. DUE to this I have been seeing a psychologist and it has been helpful I ask and sort things out what went wrong he the psych helps me also I have been on meds which has been a true gift since I dont like to take but has been a good source you might be suffering from depression like me since you are crying all the time it was not our faults this happened that is what you have to believe.....I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST.GOD BLESS MESSAGE ME IF YOU NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO OOOXXXOOO
A
female
reader, FeelingLikeADumbAss +, writes (25 October 2007):
FeelingLikeADumbAss is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn reading these replies it realy hurts to hear someone else say these awful things about my husband. It was never a loveless marriage. He has always treated me like gold. My problem is whether I believe that this was a one time thing. I need to know and he swears it was but how can I trust him. He is very distraught and see what this has done. He says he knows he has lost me but will do anything to make it up to me and win me back. How do you make up for something like that? What nerve to ask me how, I don't know how. I need to know if there were others but I don't really want to know because there would be no way I would stay with him. I don't if I will get past this or not. I don't want to go to couseling. I am too emabarrassed, I don't want to tell anyone. I have heard of so many people getting ripped off and no real help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): ok am i the problem? my partner of 25 years has slept with escorts he tells me coz he had fallen for one of them. we sit and talk and talk and decieded we would give it a go he then tells me our sex is stale we need it spicing up ok i agree he then suggests we join a web site for swapping partners ok im thinking lets see where this is all going! anyway i check the history on the computer and he has been chatting to single women he saying nothing is wrong with that well i find it really wrong he now saying he feels im testing him all the time by questioning him about conversations he has with these women yes i have deleted the subscripition to this website but am i being too harsh
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (24 October 2007):
 I don't believe you will get over your trust issues or save your marriage unless you (and your husband) seek some type of marriage counseling. Your husband has some issues, biggest being his inability to come clean to you. If you can't seek counseling, then you are going to have to make a choice to either stay in this loveless, agonizing marriage or give up your lifestyle and get a divorce. Either way, you can't continue to be this hurt and not find someone, a friend or relative, whom you can trust to unload on. I wish you the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007): Hi doll,
I can totally relate to how you are feeling, AND IT IS NORMAL! All of your emotions are flipped upside down and into chaos. You find his behaviour discusting, hurtful, distructive and you have lost your feelings of respect and love! A bit like that?
Some people will tell you that it was "in the past and move on" It is not as easy as that though as to you it has just happened. He's a shit, like my man! And it is not good enough.
I would suggest you guys seek some counselling, it helps with your process. You can't expect to feel better in the short term but you will be able to start to cope with your feelings. Coping will be the chance for you to get to the bottom of what he has been up too. He will feel shame at the moment and will be trying to keep his head down. All normal behaviours of a person who has now been exposed.
Keep working on how badly he has hurt you and let you down.
He has been upfront with the kids which is a sign that he does realise that this is going to effect everyone in his family. I feel that is a good sign that he has fronted up to the children and also it would not be appropriate for him to tell them any specific details.
You need support. I also understand you not wanting to share with friends and family, it is embarrasing when your supposed better half, is a scumbag!
I can tell you that the pain will ease. I am not sure if it will ever go away, especially if you continue the marriage. But it eases. Your also allowed to feel all the pain at the moment, and your man needs to see that and realise what he has done. I understand your feelings about loving him and respect for him, this is my battle also, so your not alone!
Like you, construction, lads, sexual inuendo, thinking their the 'man'. Just sad children I am afraid. My story re the wedding ring was that it could get damaged! Make him wear the ring and tell him to get over his ego and illusion of being single, he's not.
Take a deep breath, cry again, go outside and smash something, preferrable not something important! And keep writing to us so we can help you through it!
Take care and keep in touch. x x x x x
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007): Oh dear that is awful. And like how many "decent" women go around with untreated crabs?? And don't wear protection on a one night stand?? Or even have a one night stand like that?? You know what I mean?? Sounds to me like he did it with a hooker and not a coworker. There is probably more to that story that he didn't tell you. I bet you he went out looking for it and probably paid for sex.
Well I would be utterly disgusted with him too. Its despicable. When I was in my teens I dated a cheater and in that sense I was lucky because I discovered at a very young age what qualities to look out for in men capable of behaving like that. With great pain comes great wisdom, you know? And all of my bf's since have been real good. But it is because I was real selective and wise after that one experience. I am now dating this guy who deep down I don't trust. But that is another story. But I am not naive anymore. That I would marry him is a whole other story. Chances are there is no way in hell I would.
I am sure that all the signs were there but being a naive catholic girl you probably just didn't see it. I know that you want your kids to grow up in a stable family but I don't think that you should have to sacrifice your own integrity for them to keep growing up in a household which which is so full of lies and betrayal anyways. If you need to leave him then by all means show him the door. Tell him to get the hell out. I mean to crap on your HEALTH, your trust, your love?? PFFF. Just shue him the hell out of your life. Your kids will understand TRUST ME. You will be doing your kids a much bigger favor if you kick that jerk out than if you put up with it. Kids want parents who are strong and have integrity. In fact, they may even think you are a bit weak if you don't kick him out. And you don't want your kids growing up to be like him do you??? If you kick him out you will be showing them by EXAMPLE that his behavior is wrong and unacceptable and should never be tolerated. Don't use your kids as an excuse to stay with that guy. Be strong. Kick him the hell out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007): Basically you've got two choices here. You either divorce him or you don't
It all depends on whether you want to get rid of a lying cheating scumbag of a husband and possibly sacrifice a comfortable lifestyle, or to stay with said scumbag, remain comfortable and put up with his cheating lying ways.
There's such a thing as alimony, I believe, and if I was in your shoes I'd go for the former option. I think that's the only way to get rid of your pain, and I suspect you know it too.
Do you want comfort or happiness? You can't have both with this man.
Phil
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male
reader, dapone 1  +, writes (24 October 2007):
 hi.
i am sorry you are going through this stress right now, i can only suggest two thing to you, go to your doctor to discuss medication to calm your nerves down,it seems you are rightly anger by this situation, but do not keep getting angrier, this will not help your emotional well being.
if after you have seen your DR, then you still want to continue your marriage, the next step would be to make an appointment to see a marriage councilor, who will help you both to talk your feelings and emotions through then maybe you will be able to sort your life out to have a better understanding of what has happened in your marriage.
hope this helps
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