A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I have been together for 4.5 years. We've been bickering over how long we go without contact. Such as, I haven't heard from him since 3pm yesterday. That's currently over 24 hours. This, to him, is okay and not a problem in any way. This, to me, IS a problem and I fucking hate it.We've had some issues come up in our relationship that has tainted the trust, on both sides. No cheating, but tiny lies to keep the other from getting mad and things like that. Therefore, I don't like not hearing from him for this long. The last I saw of him was around 10pm last night on FB until he signed in on xbox about 2 hours ago. So from 10pm last night until around 1pm today, I have no idea where he's been or what he's been doing.So, who's wrong? Is this a big deal or only a big deal to me? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2015): SVC - I posted a reply about 3 or so posts back saying that fb /xbox is our only way right now to chat through the week. If he *needs* to get a hold of someone there's a phone he can use but he doesn't do that very often. We live about 35 mins away and usually get together on the weekends, sometimes a day or so through the week depending on work. Read my first reply, it details it a bit more.
To be completely honest, I don't know if I believe he's sick or not. He does this anymore and I feel like it's a way to blow me off. Sending me a message on xbox is his way to check in, I feel, without having to actually put forth the effort to chat with me. I think he does it to make sure I'm still around and waiting.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 February 2015):
 He sent you a message that said: "sick yesterday, i love you, and will message you when i get out of bed".
well the fact that he sent it on xbox confuses me, why wouldn't he just call you or text you? why do you guys use x box to communicate? how far apart are you guys.. how often do you normally see each other?
in addition his message clearly indicates that he's ill. sounds to me like he's ill enough that he's sleeping a lot..
" Nothing since. Probably won't hear from him again tonight."
Probably NOT since he made it clear he is SICK and going BACK TO BED.
"I ignored it for about 3 hours "
WHY did you ignore it??? do you think that not replying timely (when you read it and can reply) is teaching him something? trust me it's not.
"and finally sent him a message back saying "ok sexy. i love you and miss you. xoxo"."
ummm... how about "sorry to hear you are sick, is there anything I can do? feel better soon miss you"
you didn't even ACKNOWLEDGE that he's sick... do you NOT believe him?
" This little to no contact drives me crazy. All week and no real conversation? What's the point of that?"
relationships ebb and flow... you have been a couple for over 4 years... what's your "normal" pattern.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2015): He still hasn't been on facebook but he did send me a message on xbox about 4 hours ago that said "sick yesterday, i love you, and will message you when i get out of bed". Nothing since. Probably won't hear from him again tonight. I ignored it for about 3 hours and finally sent him a message back saying "ok sexy. i love you and miss you. xoxo". This little to no contact drives me crazy. All week and no real conversation? What's the point of that?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 February 2015):
Does he know how you feel about contact? Have you told him "I like daily contact in some form" if so... what did he say? IF not, well then you really don't have a right to be upset with him.
Sounds to me like you "stalk him" online... he was on Facebook then he was on Xbox... so YOU keep tabs on him?
Here is the thing... YOU need/want more contact than he needs/wants. NEITHER Of you are wrong, you just have mismatched ideas of what contact in a committed relationship should be.
I had this issue with my then LDR boyfriend (now husband)
We would go days and days without contact. As we got closer together emotionally I said to him "I do not like not hearing from you daily" and he said "I don't need daily contact" and we had to figure out how to make this work for us.
There were days our contact was hours of phone calls. there were days it was just a quick email or a brief call.
BUT I said to him "I need more contact than you are currently giving me can we work this out" and he compromised with a "call me in the mornings to make sure I'm awake" statement. SO... I could call him and "wake him" he might not remember much of the call (which could be as short as 30 seconds) but I did. It helped me cope with being apart. This however was NOT out of lack of trust which is what i think your issue is.
IF you can't talk to him about it and come up with a compromise that is not upsetting for either of you it may be time to consider that you have differing needs in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2015): OP HERE - I STILL haven't heard from him. The only way right now we get to chat through the week is on facebook or if he sends me a random xbox message, but usually it's facebook. He hasn't been on fb since 10 Monday night, but he was on xbox last night playing with his friend, so I know he's alive and well. I have a job working from home (and usually have netflix running in the background, which is why i know if he's on xbox or not) and 2 children from a previous marriage, so I am busy. But no matter how busy I am I always find time for someone I love.I don't expect him to report his every move but it's been 2 days. 2 full days of no contact at all seems outrageous to me. Maybe I'm more emotional and like more of a "close-knit" type thing? I don't know. Our relationship has been rocky lately but we've been trying to work on it, or at least I thought we were. I saw him this past weekend and it went well and he invited me over to stay this coming weekend but if I don't talk to him before then, I'm not exactly going to be in the mood to stay. Sunday night we were looking at houses together and now it's been 2 days since I've heard from him. That seems like a long time to me. Maybe I'm overreacting.What pisses me off the most is that he knows this bothers me and that I'm probably pissed off, yet he does it anyway. I know he's already thinking that if he contacts me, after 2 days, I'm going to bitch about it and start a fight. He's right, I usually do. I start going on about how I hate not hearing from him and he gives me "reasons" (excuses more like it) as to why he didn't contact me. He has no problem calling people when he needs something, so he could call me, he just hasn't. I know that whenever he does finally get on fb he's going to send me a message as if nothing happened. It makes me feel like a fool if he knows he's doing something that I don't like and then I sit there and smile like it doesn't bother me. He'll know I'm faking it and settling for less than what I really want so he'll keep doing it. Anyone know what I mean?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2015): Well today is Tuesday, therefore it is a weekday. Most people are at work at some point during the day for at least 8 hours. So I take it he doesn't have a job?
I think it is a problem that you two seem to have too much time on your hands. If he had a job, and was working at least 40 hours a week, then you would know exactly what he is up to most of the time. And then wouldn't have to wonder what he does with his time.
He is probably looking at you and thinking the same thing. From 3 pm yesterday till 1 pm today all you have done is worry about what he is doing.
I think you are both wrong. I think you both need to get some jobs, throw in some hobbies, and focus your free time on more constructive things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2015): After 4.5 years....are you willing to marry this guy? Seems like your relationship is dwindling.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2015): If he knows it bothers you he should make the effort to contact you throughout the day.I'm in a similar situation my gf never contacts me i always have to initiate contact i just accepted it.What happens when you contact him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2015): Neither of you sound well suited. Why do you need to know what he is doing all the time? Equally why can't he just appease you and drop you a text?A caring, respectful relationship isn't this suffocating. I live with my husband but because of our work patterns I could go 24hrs without seeing him - and we share a home! Because he knows I worry he'll always drop me a text that he got to work safe, I'll do the same when I'm at work. It's not natural to him to let me know he got to work safe but he knows me well enough and cares about me enough to make sure he does because otherwise I worry about accidents etc...My point is, if your relationship is functioning well you wouldn't need to know where he is all the time and he would respect your view that he could maybe get in touch a little more often, a text he got home safe.Sounds like there are issues of trust between you both and it's not healthy. You saw him at 10pm and then checked his xbox account to see he logged on today. This isn't healthy, he probably wants a bit of space. If you think at 10pm he is going somewhere you don't know about then ask yourself if your really happy in this relationship? Is it bringing you happiness and adding something good to your life, or just adding stress?Everyone needs time away from their partners, you both need your own separate lives and your time together should add to your lives, not stress you both out.
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