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*ono
writes: My fiancee of 7 1/2 years dropped a bomb shell on me 3 months ago and told me she loved me but was not in love with me. I had just asked her whether she still wanted to marry me. At first she said yes then suddenly the tears came, and the love you but not in love with you speech. This left me very confused and upset because I love her dearly. Several months before this split up, she left me for several days when I queried her on text messages she had been receiving from an admirer, not that I was snooping, I was holding her phone when they came through. I have now found out since being dumped she had an admirer and while I know she was not sleeping with him (trust me I know) she was very obviously committed to him. I could never get hold of her at lunch time as she was always engaged and she allways deleted text messages. Her attitude towards me had also changed she was always late for me and indifferent, and spent ages at the gymn. She has lied unforgiveably.I found out last weekend she is moving in with her new admirer but I know he is married with children, whereas my ex thinks he is divorced, should I tell her? I desperately want her back despite all that has happened but has it gone to far as the trust has now gone as she lied terribly to me? My brother died over xmas and for 4 days we kept a bedside vigil. My ex was fantastic and was holding his hand as he died, but I feel furious now, as she was clearly commited to her new admirer and not at all to me. I feel she should not have been there if she was planning to run off, as this was an intimate family moment. What should I do?
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reader, jono +, writes (25 June 2006):
jono is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all very much for your comments they are all very helpful. Dr Pete, I should have been a bit clearer, I intercepted her text messages in Ocotber, 3 months before my brother died, I am fairly sure she was interested in her new lover long before my brother died. Things are very awkward as her family lives very close (2 mins away) and I past their house every day, and we spent a lot of time their together. I must move on but closure is difficult.
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reader, maxsteel86  +, writes (23 June 2006):
 Sorry buddy, but it definitely is over. Even if you get her back, things will never be the same. Lostandalone seems to have said it just right. Best to move on and find someone who will treat you right and stuff. I'm sure you'll find her! Good luck!And by the way, dont you just hate that 'love you but not in love with you' speech? I mean what the hell does that mean?! Are they trying to sweeten the posion before they feed it to you or something?Anyway, good luck!!
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reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (23 June 2006):
 As hard as it may be you have to accept the fact that she has moved on. Granted she just told you in her heart I think she had already moved on and just didn't know how to tell you. In this very rare occasion I don't agree with Pete on one aspect. I think you should be angry about her being there with your brother as you feel like her heart wasn't in it and she was only keeping up appearances. I would be angry also. I used to be that cheater and trust me she was thinking about leaving or stop feeling that way towards you months before it actually happened. Do your grieving and try to go on about your normal life. I have been on both sides of this fence and no matter what anyone says your heart is bleeding and it seems no one can patch it up but her. You have to realize it will never be the same between you two. The trust is shot to hell and all the lies that came along with all of this makes it really hard to believe anything coming out of her mouth. I wish you well and trust me you are not the only one who has felt this way but it does get better with time. Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2006): It sounds to me like your fiancee is no longer interested in you as a partner. You keep referring to this other guy as her "admirer" when, in fact, it sounds to me that he is in fact her lover. I highly doubt there is nothing intimate going on with them.
Maybe you could tell her about his marriage, but it might cause more harm than good.
Christmas was 6 months ago, your fiancee told you her feelings had changed 3 months ago - it is quite likely that during Christmas she still had feelings for you and your family.
It seems to me like she has moved on, but that you, for whatever reasons, can not see that. Maybe you should talk to her again about the situation between yourselves and also her feelings towards this new man. Good luck.
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