A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiance has made a rather unexpected confession: one of his ex-girlfriends was actually a one night stand AND he slept with her during our early relationship stage (after our 2nd, or 3rd date). I normally wouldn't be upset over this. I do understand that you're allowed to date more than one person in the beginning of a relationship to see who you're more compatible with. What really bothers me is the fact that he pursued me aggressively for weeks until I agreed to go on a date with him ( I am an overly cautious, distrustful, slow-moving dater). He always claimed he strong feelings, that he knew I was " The One" when we first met. I don't understand how he could have slept with a stranger at a party if he had such strong feelings for me? It didn't make any sense, so I asked whether or not he was exaggerating, or lying about his initial feelings for me. I wish he had given me a different answer, but he still stands by his story that he did have strong feelings from the very beginning and that he simply screwed up. His side of the story is that he felt I was not interested in pursuing a relationship with him because I was distant and seemingly disinterested in his option ( yes, he was more interested in me than I in him. I am naturally more of an analyzer than a lover and it takes me a while to warm up to people). At the same time, he never discussed this issue or asked me how I felt about him while dating. He also never stopped pursuing me even after the one night stand. Of course our relationship is very different now, but I cannot help and wonder if this early episode could indicate a cheating scenario in the future. Am I looking too much into this? I cannot help but pre-judge him as a weak-minded man, who will not be able to turn down sex if presented easily.
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female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (29 July 2011):
 Well, in all honesty, it kind of depends on the context of the situation you two were in. Did you two go on a couple dates, or were you "dating". If you were a girl that he pursued for weeks and then you two finally went out to a movie, and then a week or so later you went to dinner, you were two people going on dates. If he had been pursuing you for weeks and then you finally gave in and said, "alright, let's give us a shot," you would have been "dating".
Either way, it would have probably been best to tell you about this earlier on in your relationship. You shouldn't beat yourself up over it, though. Nor should you judge him for the action. The only thing I would be concerned with is the fact that he didn't tell you about it until you two were engaged. He's probably ashamed of it, and probably feels foolish knowing what your relationship is now. Hindsight is 20/20 always, which is why we can't predict the future. Everyone makes mistakes, but that's why we learn to learn from them.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): Okay, well, I honestly think you shouldn't worry. You guys weren't a committed couple, as someone else had mentioned.When my boyfriend and I started talking to each other as friends, I was very interested in him and he told me later on that he was very interested in me, but at that time, it felt as if he wasn't that into me. So one night when I asked him to hang out but he was drunk with his friends, I got drunk and ended up making out with someone else.Now that we've been together almost a year and our relationship is totally different and I know how we stand, I would never cheat on him. I didn't feel guilty making out with the other guy because I was single, even though I had a lot of feelings towards my now-boyfriend. I really don't think you should worry.But you may want to bring up this concern with him. Maybe you'll get some much-needed reassurance. :) Good luck.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (28 July 2011):
 Technically, your boyfriend didn't cheat -- as you weren't a committed couple back then (if anything he cheated on his ex with you).
However, I think this sort of speaks to his character. He was interested in you but yet, he would gladly sleep with another woman.
I think you should give yourself a little time to recover from this information and allow yourself to sort out things. I'd also tend to believe most guys would do the same thing as he did. However, the question you should ask, is would you?
I also definitely think this should give you pause in order that you consider looking at the character of your fiancee and his attitudes towards sex and commitment. Maybe this is a deal breaker, but only you can decide that.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): Wow, I am in the EXACT same position as you. Only difference is, I was actually going out with my boyfriend nearly a month when he cheated with his ex, so yours isn't as bad.
We have been together two and a half years now, and I STILL wonder if he would do the same. Nothing has been proven since, but I still wonder. He claims he had these extremely strong feelings for me also, although I too, doubt him as he did that to me.
I can't answer as I'm in the same position, I'll be checking the page though!
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (28 July 2011):
 You were not yet a couple when this happened and you are not doubting the sincerity of his feelings for during that stage?
I believe people are capable to have strong feelings for someone and yet still have sex with another person.
I can see how this would be confusing and bother you, but someone people can seperate love and sex into seperate boxes. Keep in mind, just becasue they CAN, does not mean they DO every time with every person.
He did not cheat on you, because you were not his gf. There was no commitment, no understanding of monagamy, etc. He does regret the episode, so give the guy a break. I do not see this as a sign of potential cheater, because he did not dishonor a relationship.
Focus on the now. He chose YOU. You chose him back. Since becoming a COUPLE, has he been faithful and focused on you?
Then enjoy it and stop sabotaging yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): Dating someone is not a commitment and it does not mean you are in a relationship until both parties agree to be exclusive. Yes, men will take sex where they can get it when they are single. He was single! He had no obligation to you nor you to him!
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