A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Well, like many others I have been subject to the condition of retrograde jealousy. The background is this: My girlfriend has had more than 10 sexual partners. I did not know this when I agreed that sex would not be part of our relationship. She is catholic and believse strongly against sex before marriage. She has told me that they are all mistakes and that the temptation to have sex was greater than her ability to withstand it. I have had sex with only two other girls. Our plan is to get married next year, but I can;t help feeling jealous, inadequate, and even unattractive sometimes. This is not the case at all, but I can't rationalize these feelings away. I can't stop thinking about her being with others guys like that and it drives me nuts. She has given oral sex, too. I want to believe that this is for the best, but somehow I can't help feeling like that nice guy that finished last. I will not hurt her and continue to stay committed to abstinince before marriage with her. But this just eats me up somtimes. Her relationships have all failed her in the past. And she has only had sex with any one of these guys at most three or four times. And she told most, if not all, that she did not want to have sex prior to marriage. So if I compare our relationship to here past ones I have to realize that if we had sex it would most likely be once or twice then the guilt would force her out of the relationship. I'm just looking for any advice or comfort in this situaiton. I haven't told her my true feelings about this and I think that's best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): She wanted to have sex before marriage enough to do it a lot of times.
She might say she regrets it now but I don't see what that proves. She had sex when it served her purpose back then. Now she's not having sex and saying she regrets it, and what a coincidence, this serves more of a purpose for her now. I don't see a real value system at any stage. I just see her always doing what is most useful to her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTHere is more than meets the eye with this. We talked at length about this and she has nothing but pain and regrets for her past mistakes. We've been together over a year now whereas her past relationships never went longer than a couple months. We haven't been completely non-sexual, just no intercourse. I think she's the type that has trouble holding back once things go too far.
Serenity80, the second scenario you provided makes the most sense out of all of these. Earlier on in the relationship there were several times that I could have had sex with her but didn't because I wanted to respect her wishes. I've thought about it and if I had the chance to trade places with one of her past lovers I wouldn't. Mainly because it would be pleasurable, but very short lived.
I think the reason she has made these mistakes is that she felt very insecure about herself in the past. Sex was something she thought she needed to give because it would make guys love her. She was rebelious sometimes, too. But it would always come back and cause her guilt. She said that at one point she believed she wasn't good enough to get a guy that would respect her wishes.
I don't expect a frigid sex life at all. Quite the opposite. My main worry is that I will feel like second best forever because I had to wait till we tied the knot. I know she would say different, though.
I hate thinking about her being with other guys. But when it comes down to it, I want her to have sex with me because it is a decision that she feels ready to make. Not something she is tempted to do or feels pressure to do. I just wish that it didn't take her so many mistakes before she found me.
The oral sex is most bothersome to me. That takes much more forethought and pre-determination to do than just to be tempted. So I don't really know how to deal with that.
At this point, I can't see a life without her. I don't blame her and I don't want to hurt her by going back on my word. I just never expected that the girl I would fall in love with and want to marry would have had such a past, but not want to have sex before marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere is more than meets the eye with this. A lot. I have talked at length with her. I believe she had insecurity issues in many relationships. Believed she had to give sex to get love, that sort of thing. Felt guys pressuring her. Her relationships never lasted more than a couple months. Ours has lasted over a year now.
Her past "flings" caused her a lot of pain and regret. She's told me she would take them all away if she could, but that she has come to terms with her past all the same.
Serenity80, thank you. Your second scenario makes the most sense out of all of these. That's the one that comes closest. I don't want to leave her because I do love her. And if I could chage places with one of her past lovers I would not do it because it would be pleasureable, but short lived.
Early on in our relationship, there were quite a few times when I could have easily had sex with her, but had chosen not to because she had already expressed her desire not to. I took that seriously. I'm not sure it's possible to put her into a box and slap a lable on her. I'm still fiugring her out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): from one guy to another i can't believe its gotten even that far. there would be NO WAY i would be with her, if she wont even touch you and shes touched other people not as "important" then its totally unfair to you, LEAVE HER NOW
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (25 November 2010):
You can look at this two ways:
One, your girlfriend is a slag and is no longer good wife material. You will always feel inadequate about her past and your 2 against her "more than 10" guys will always hurt you more than anything else in the world. You can marry her, try to love her as best you can, but deep down you'll always wish that either you slept with more women, or she had saved herself for you.
Two, your girlfriend had a past in which she made mistakes. She regrets them and wants to put it in the past behind her. She is now a woman who is a loving, caring and amazing girlfriend. You are a confident man and can see the difference between love and sex and realise that you're not a nice guy finishing last, because in reality, you've actually landed yourself the best girl going who is going to be a wonderful, faithful devoted wife and mother.
You really do chose the emphasis that you place on things but I would say this.. if you don't feel your wife is good enough for you then allow her the opportunity to meet a man who does. And should you talk about how you feel? yes - if you can't solve this dilemma by yourself, you should.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (25 November 2010):
 This is a very bad sign.
First off, one or two one-night stands is a "mistake." I can buy that. 10 guys is an informed decision. That she would pull the "sex before marriage is immoral" card now is some pretty serious cognitive dissonance. If she was willing to own up to it, I'd be willing to reconsider in your position, but this is just making excuses.
Two possibilities. The first is that she enjoyed the majority of those flings. If that's the case, she's lying to you now, and will probably lie in the future if she believes honesty will hurt her in any way. If she has given oral sex (but not to you), I'd say this is more likely.
The second is that she did not enjoy those flings. If so, I'd bet money you're looking forward to a very frigid, sexless marriage within a short time.
Look, the main worry with promiscuous (or "formerly" promiscuous) chicks is that they will cheat. As it is, she is either lying to you or honestly possesses no self-control. In either scenario above, cheating is all but inevitable, and she will rationalize away all her guilt. Do you want to be married for her next "mistake?"
My advice is to part ways as amicably as possible. It doesn't sound like you'd try for break-up sex, and I'd advise you to avoid that too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): The problem is pretty straightforward. She had too much sexual fun in life already for her guilty conscience to take. So she wants you to have too little in order to balance it out.
It makes sense from her point of view. She ends up feeling fine, the other 10 guys feel fine, and you are the one who loses out big time. I guess she expects you to be fine with this since you are the good man and not one of those bad boys that she had fun with.
I would leave her. I think this is a sign of someone who is basically selfish. She expects you to do double duty to make up for her problems rather than treating you as an equal partner in the relationship.
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A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave +, writes (24 November 2010):
Often the cause of relationship breakdowns is not talking to each other. I think it is vital if people are not happy with something within a relationship it should be discussed not left to fester as that leads to more problems.
I am a bit baffled to read that your fiance very strongly believes in no sex before marriage, has not been married yet but has slept with 10 men.
If people have strong enough beliefs, that can withstand temptations. I have suspicions that there is more to this than meets the eye.
I think your jealousy stems from the fact that you have not had sex yet, and based on her past, I can understand, but you shouldn't compare yourself to others.
You don't say how long you have been with this girl or how long her previous relationships lasted or whether she has been engaged before.
My best advice would be what I said at the start which is to talk to her.
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