A
female
age
41-50,
*emmenoir
writes:Hi,i need urgent advice, as i am unsure as to what i must or should do, within my relationship.My fiance has always vowed, that since we fell in love, that he was no heavy drinker, that he was only a social drinker, which is fine, as i am too and i knew this part from the very beginning.I've never jugded him, i've simply placed full trust in him and him in me.What really concerns and dusappoints me greatly now though, is that he came home drunk one night, from a night out to dinner with friends.He told me after he sobered up, that he was sorry for what occurred, that he had not been drunk for over 20 yrs, since he was in his early 20s, which i do believe, however, the night he got drunk, as he wasn't in the right frame of mind, he threw me out of our home and i was unable to hold any type of rational conversation with him, which i do understand in hindsight, as he was 'off his head' and quite verbally aggressive, which is seriously unusual/rare for him.I must also add that on that day, he had been walked out of his job of 6 years, just after he had resigned, because he thought that the company would soon go bankrupt and a few nasty staff members no longer wanted him there. He'd received a better job offer, which he took, but leaving his job @ the time, still had a very big and hard impact on him, as he didn't want to have to do that @ his age, 54 yrs.At the time, i put his drunken behaviour down to the fact that he was totally stressed and i forgave him, got over it and all has been great between us since, until today.We got over that event, he apologised, he vowed with all his heart and soul that he'd never drink any alcohol again until Oct 2015, as he placed me above all else in his life and true to his word, he didn't drink again, up until my Mother's bday last weekend and also today. He told me that he 'promised' to never drink a drop of wine again, until the beginning of Oct, which is when he decided he would only drink socially again, which was fine with me. It was to be a full six mth break from any alcohol and i must stress that he made the promise to me, it was never enforced by me.Anyway, today he had to meet a business associate for lunch in the CBD, i drove him into the city this morning, as he wasn't feeling 100% and as he is working from home part-time and he's very busy, i wanted to show my support. I have always been fully supportive, i have always been honest with my fiance.After he returned home, which was after 5pm, he had spent most of the day @ a lunch meeting, where he was only supposed to have sandwiches, but after he returned home, he told me he had a full lunch, after i asked him how his day went. I then went to kiss him on his lips, soon after he entered the house and i could smell alcohol on his breath, which he tried to hide by chewing on a mint lolly.I then said to him, i can smell alcohol on your breath, did you drink? He said, yes i did.I then added, you said you would vow/promise to keep off any type of alcoholic beverege until Oct, as you promised, after what occurred last time and he then told me that he was served a glass of wine, after he went to use the toilet and when he returned, the guy he had lunch with, had already ordered the wine and the food for lunch and that it was approx $130 in total. He then added, that he had no intention of ordering any alcohol for himself, but considering he was trying to get a business deal going with his boss and considering the guy had already gone out of his way to order everything, he couldn't say no.I don't have an issue with him drinking, but i have an issue with him breaking a promise to me and i am not his business partner, i am his fiancee.I told him that i was very disappointed that he would place a business associate, who he didn't even know and a business deal before his promise made to me and when he made this 6 mth long promise, he looked me in my eyes and said he would not betray me ever, nor risk losing me, yet he did exactly just that today and after it occurred, he made me out to be the bad guy, by saying that if i had an issue with what he did, then i have to deal with that, think about that.He also added that if he's an insensitive bastard and if he has let me down, then he is sorry about that.He made the promise to me, yet when i informed him that i wasn't very happy that he couldn't keep his promise until Oct this year, i felt he didn't really care, nor did he show any remorse, or empathy toward me, the woman he is supposed to love and build a solid future with.How can i place trust in him any longer? We have always had a strong bond, or @ least i thought so and i have always held him in high esteem, as he's always been consistent within our relationship, but now i don't know what to do, or what to think.Is my fiance a liar? Does he no longer truly love me? Does he not respect me, or our relationship? So many questions, i now have unfortunately.He did admit to me that his morning was quite stressful and that he isn't 100% happy with his new job, as his boss isn't a very warm, nor appreciative individual, so i wonder whether this stress has contributed to him breaking his promise to me today and i wonder whether what he did, is actually a true sign of his lack of concern for me, or is it simply something that he is going through, dealing with and could he secretly be feeling very bad about letting me down, letting 'us' down?Since we argued early afternoon and i informed him out of anger, that although i have stuck to all my promises made to him, that i would no longer stick to any of them, he just walked away and went into his office and until now, 9.27pm, almost 4.5 hrs later, he hasn't come out to eat with me, talk to me, apologise, nothing, yet yesterday he said he wanted us to have our Chinese take out night, as we eat @ home daily.What should i do and i wonder whether our relationship is worth saving?We have been together for over 1 year and we have lived together for almost 9 mths.He doesn't appear to want to actually break up, he said he wishes to marry me soon, he would love to try for a baby with me, yet i am now feeling so confused and a little afraid of what he may say, as i still love him, despite his betrayal of trust toward me and our relationship.Any feedback would be truly appreciated.Thank you in advance! :-)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (30 July 2015):
 Alcohol issues can derail things. I think the stress he is under has caused him to use alcohol to mask his grief.
It's about the turmoil inside him.
I think until he gets some professional support he is not in a state where he can even emotionally support himself.
Failing like this, because it does feel like failure to him, is affecting his self esteem, affecting how he deals with life, and naturally is affecting his relationship with you.
If he did not care he would not even bother to apologize.
Encourage him to reach out and seek professional support.
Right now he is hurting too much to even know how to solve his own problems.
He can't do it alone.
He doesn't know where to start. The mis-use of alcohol is the evidence. It is like the pus seeping out of an open would that will not heal without medical intervention.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 July 2015):
I think your guy is under some serious stress that he is not handling well.
When he left his previous job he also left guys who he's known for years and who he thought were his friends. But then they turned on him. That would have been horrible.
He is turning to alcohol to hide the stress and pain he feels he is under at the moment.
Have you considered that he may be depressed?
Rather than stress the promises I think it would do him the world of good to get some counselling to deal with the underlying stress that is causing him to resort to alcohol to make him feel better.
A traumatic change of job. finding the people he worked with as colleagues suddenly turned on him. Being walked out of his previous job, and now a job he is not enjoying.
And if he is 54 and he knows that makes it so much harder in the job market.
Men do not like acknowledging depression. They would rather run 10 miles than admit depression.
I suspect he is worried about building up his career and holding on to his job.
please explore this site (I chose it due to your chosen flag) and ask them to post you some of the free materials they offer: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support
The site also seems to have a lot on men's health and information on where to get help.
I think ultimatums are only going to ramp up the pressure if he is depressed.
I think his drinking is just a tip of the iceberg outward sign of his inner turmoil and possible depression that he is trying to hide.
Book him in for a full medical to ensure that nothing physical is affecting him.
Then try to get him to see a counsellor for some tune-up time with a professional psychologist or life coach who is a trained psychologist.
I think he is hurting inside from a lot of stress.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 July 2015):
 I be willing to bet you have never drank or got drunk. Anyone that has drank on a somewhat regular basis knows that "just stopping" is a very difficult thing to do. It's kinda like trying to quit smoking except quiting the smoking is nearly twice as hard to do. He's just having a hard time trying to live up to your demands. I'd give it a week then demand professional help since you can't live with it.
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