A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My now ex-fiance and I were dating and living together for three years. He proposed in December 2018. Starting in April, he started going out often and neglecting our relationship. Last month, he finally confessed everything to me. During this time, he had an emotional affair with his colleague. According to him, there was no sexual talk but it was very obvious that they were into one another. He told me that she is the first person he could be vulnerable with. He told me what he shared with her about his insecurities. I had no idea he was thinking any of this and it rips me apart knowing that he could open up to her and not me. He said that he wishes he could have had this bond with me but he never gave us a chance. He fully admitted that this was 100% his fault and he wanted to rebuild things with me. I know everyone perceives emotional cheating differently. For me, I do consider this emotional cheating because he hid their friendship and told her things that I didn't know. I believe in not telling other people things you haven't yet told your spouse. He promised to send this woman an email, with the criteria I asked, and burn the bridge. We agreed to go to couples counseling right away after, and discussed ways to to rebuild trust.My ex-fiance spent an entire month writing and rewriting the letter, and spent hours in front of his computer being frozen and unable to send it. When asked, I refused to budge from the criteria I asked for. My ex suffers from extremely low self esteem and his reputation is everything to him. An embarrassing situation for the average person would destroy him. In the end, my ex told me he could not do it. He said he would do anything and everything else I asked, including giving me access to all his technology and switching jobs. He pleaded with me and cried endlessly for the first time. It was the first time I've seen him cry and I know he was extremely embarrassed about it. But to me, I knew I couldn't move forward and fully trust him again if he didn't send this letter. Because to me, not sending this letter means he's unwilling to end things. I broke up with him. My ex was my first serious relationship. I feel traumatized and never thought it was possible to feel this way. I know I dodged a bullet. I think I'm still in denial because I'm hopeful sometimes. I still fantasize about us working things out. Other times I'm sad, and other times I'm angry. We had a wedding date, and a life built together and planned out. I know that healing takes time, but I don't know where to begin. I feel incapable without him. I cut contact with him. I told him i wish i never met him and want to erase him from my memory. How do I move on?I could really use some encouraging words on moving forward. I would prefer not to talk about what happened, i think it would make me feel worse. Thank you all so much...
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female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (2 February 2020):
How difficult it is on you right now...and the pain that you feel..thinking he was the man i was going to have a future with.But as time goes on..you will heal...but yes it will take sometime...but you will get there.Thank your lucky stars that you were not married to him and then found out..When he refused to send that letter to the lady in question...he thought more of her..than you.Never have anything more to do with him...he is a cheater.Focus only on yourself..find new interests..change your hair style..invest in new fashion...chat to family and friends...Keep busy and be gentle with yourself..If at anytime in the future your finding difficult to deal with the situation.Consider going to a counsellor and remember a new day is a fresh start.Regards.NORA B.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 August 2019):
 It is a hard blow to be cheated on. I don't think it matter whether or not it was physical.
He invested, confided and bonded emotionally with her instead of you. THAT to me is cheating.
How do you move on? BY accepting that THIS is 100% on him. He was right about that.
And you did the RIGHT thing by ending it when he refused sending her a letter. YOU offered him a solution that was you meeting him MORE than halfway, and he decided NOT to. Basically what he wanted was to sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. Even something like couples counseling isn't fool proof or sure to actually help.
Go buy a journal or just a notebook, and start to write down your thoughts. You will go though all kind of "steps" before you feel like you can truly put this behind you. It's like losing someone. In a sense you did. So feeling grief for what COULD have been is normal.
Plans don't always pan out, life takes a detour. It's not always bad though.
AT least you hadn't gotten married, or had kids or serious shared debt.
The whole no contact, I think, is the best way to go.
KEEP moving forward. Set yourself some PERSONAL goals. Things you want to learn or improve on and make THAT your focus.
Don't isolate yourself, make sure you still spend time with family and friends. Socialize. Life DO go on.
I'm guessing you feel that there was something lacking or wrong with you, that he CHOSE to confide in HER and not you. I don't think that is the case. What I have seen a lot of here on DC is that people like to open up with deeply personal stuff to someone OTHER than their partner because it DRAWS in the other person, it makes them FEEL special and they get that rush of "happy" brain chemicals. A sort of "honeymoon phase" without the physical side. And that CAN become addicting. He could have CHOSEN to do this with you. But he didn't. Maybe because he WANTED (subconsciously) to sabotage the relationship and impending nuptials.
He might not even have known why he was doing it other than, IT FELT good. (for him)
If you start a fantasy of being with him, snap yourself out of it. STAY grounded in reality. There is no real future with him. He isn't trustworthy and you weren't as high a priority to him as SHE was. When bad stuff happens it is (for some) possible to move forward but it will NEVER be the same. Ever. So know that too, and let him go.
And WHEN you (at some point) feel over it and ready to move on, DO NOT hold the next guy accountable for THIS guy's choices and actions. Start fresh.
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