A
female
age
41-50,
*tmama
writes:I have Head Job issues. Badly. Please help me work out what the sam hill is going on!So ive been with my guy for 15 years, we have always had really unhealthy verbal fights, always. But we have ALWAYS had a Rock On sex life, I have always loved to give him head, no issues at all. Till now, im NOT AS into it as I used to be, I barely give him head now, we gotinto a fight last night and he said ýou dont want to touch me, you dont care about making me feel good át all anymore and he got all offended and worked up and said if i dont feel the sameway about him anymore, I need to work it out and either fix things or we need to break up!. He said he is sick of feeling like he's on the chase and Im not. He feels unloved. I have NO idea why its like this now, yeah life is difficult, weve been thru a bit, but our life has always been a bit prickly! Every conversation about it leads to the same place, if im not happy, i should leave. WTF! What do I do? I love hom SO much, we have 4 kiddies together, its 15 years later for smacks sake! I dont want to leave but THIS sucks badly!(or doesnt depends on your view!) I cant work out, i know I dont feel like looking at him with a mouthful, i dont want to be that ?? vulnerable, open, out there??? Help me please what does all of this mean??? Thank you in advance!
View related questions:
sex life, unloved Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2012): with all due respect, I think it's ridiculous for your husband to claim that just because you give him fewer head jobs he feels unloved. Either he is just trying to get you to give him more head jobs, or else if that's how he really truly feels then he's got some serious issues if his entire self esteem is based on getting head jobs. More likely I think he's just trying to passive aggressively get you to give him more headjobs without any thought or regard as to whether it's his own fault that you no longer enjoy doing that for him. this is pretty selfish of him and I don't think you should accept this, he needs to meet you half way - suggest to him that you will give him more headjobs if he starts treating you better. But even this doesn't really sit well with me because it seems that your relationship is based entirely on sex and this is just continuing it along those lines, even though you have kids and have been together/married for 15 years that doesn't mean that it is a real relationship it could still just be based on sex.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2012): I disagree with the anon poster who is advising you to give your selfish husband the HJ's he wants just to keep the peace "for the sake of the kids". I think you're just going to become even more miserable in the long run. If you dont' trust someone - no matter if you've been married for 15 years and have a dozen kids with them - you shouldn't do sexual acts you don't feel good about anymore but "for the sake of keeping the family together" because you're just making the animosity within the family even worse.Verbal nastiness destroys relationships. You two have been destroying your marriage for 15 years. It was only a matter of time before the sexual attraction would disappear, now it's that time. I don't believe that all families should be kept together. Certainly not families where verbal abuse is the order of the day. Some times people just hurt each other too much and then the kids grow up to become hurtful and abusive to other people because this is what they think is normal cos it's how their parents treated each other and lived out their entire lives together. the fact that you don't feel comfortable enough to be open and vulnerable to your husband speaks volumes about how unhealthy your marriage is and how your marriage is dragging you down. Is it not better to be alone and have the chance to some day find a non verbally abusive new partner, than to be in a marriage that's dragging you down?I believe it's more important to have healthy loving relationships, even if it means no longer being married to the person you just so happen to have kids with. as long as you trap yourself with someone just because you have kids together, you're preventing everyone (including yourself) from having a better chance at this one earthly life.This isn't about the head jobs, OK. This is about a relationship that is devoid of love, trust, and care and has been that way for 15 years. This is a about a relationship that's held together only by children and one person giving the other head jobs. How much longer can you sustain this? Ask yourself if this is a relationship you are willing to continue compromising yourself to keep.If your husband feels unloved cos you no longer feel comfortable giving him head jobs, why is he not doing anything to earn your love? or does he believe that love is an entitlement just because of the fact of being married?
...............................
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (10 March 2012):
I think your bf is being manipulative and refusing to take responsibility for his part in the relationship breakdown. He says he feels unloved because you haven't been interested in intimacy anymore, even though he doesn't care that his own behavior (such as during conflicts) contributes to you not being interested in intimacy anymore. He doesn't acknowledge his own part in destroying your feelings for him, instead he's putting all the blame on you. And yet, if he's so unhappy he's not leaving either instead he says it's YOUR responsibility to leave?
Another possibility is that he doesn't really care about you as a person, he only cares about getting his physical needs met and now that you've stopped meeting those needs he is just trying to emotionally blackmail you to go back to meeting his needs without him having to meet your needs for "emotional safety." This is unfair.
if you want to try to save your relationship you both need to learn new and better ways of communicating and empathizing. Then you two need to acknowledge your respective contributions to the deterioration of the relationship, and to agree to make changes. Without all these, you can't feel emotionally safe with him enough to feel close. Without closeness, you won't be able to be intimate. since this has been going on for so many years now, you may need to see a couples counselor because by now you've both been so entrenched in your respective positions it may be next to impossible for you to take a step back and reach out to each other without falling back into old patterns.
so why not tell your bf that you acknowledge that he feels unloved, and you're unhappy too and you want things to be better. Suggest that you go for relationship counseling. If he refuses, there's not much else you can do because then it would be clear that he's not interested in actually improving the relationship he's just interested in you meeting his physical needs, and such a one-way relationship just can't work.
...............................
|
