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anonymous
writes: I've been seeing my boyfriend for about 10 months now. It's been very very difficult as his ex girlfriend gave birth to their baby 2 weeks after I started seeing him. Anyway, things have been quite strained in the sense that his ex dictates when he can see the baby but she won't let him take the baby to his house. He has to stay in the house they shared together. Within the last few days his ex has been coming to my house to say she wants me to be part of the baby's life if I'm going to be with my boyfriend but not until the baby is happy being with my boyfriend on her own. Things have taken a dramatic twist in the last few days instead of his ex being really nasty with him she seems to be acting all nice. She's even taking him for a job interview today. I'm getting extremely paranoid about the whole thing and have talked to him about it and he says he loves me more than I know but I can't stop worrying if he's going to go back with her and play happy families and I hate the fact that he has to stay and look after his daughter in the house they once shared. What can I do?
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (18 March 2005):
 If you mean "What can I do to stop my boyfriend wanting to see his child?" then you're asking the wrong question.When you met him, he was already well on the way to being somebody's dad. You say that his baby was born just weeks after you met him. So, presumably, before you had a chance to develop strong feelings for him, he was already a father to his child. His child was conceived before you met, and that kid is no threat to your b/f's romantic affections. However, he will always dote on and want to care for his own child, however much he loves you. You need to get that straight in your mind, and not see it as a threat. He can love you BOTH.OK, you can loathe his ex with every fibre in your soul, and you can hate the power games and the intrusion that she causes to your life with your b/f, but the fact is that you will ALWAYS have to deal with both her and your b/f's child for as long as you and he are together. Deny that fact, hate it, run it over with a steamroller and drop a piano on its head. It's not going to change. The ex and the baby are part of the 'package' you 'bought', when you started a relationship with your b/f.That's not a bad thing, though. Your b/f is already showing some excellent and desirable traits, in being a caring and supportive father. Don't try to pull the reins in on that! If his ex is half the dragon-woman you make her out to be, the child is going to need at least one sane and stable parent to grow up well-adjusted and happy. That parent just might be your b/f.And if, in future, you and your boyfriend decide to have kids of your own, he'll already be practiced at holding babies, changing nappies, soothing fretting toddlers and all the other things that you'll appreciate when you don't have to do them yourself all the time.So don't turn all green and jealous over the time he spends with his baby. The ex is being sensible by allowing you to get to know his child too. In fact, that's quite magnanimous of her under the circumstances, so take her up on the offer. You might even get to like the little sprog. Then everybody's happy.But just remember: your boyfriend can love his child and still love you with his entire heart.Buck up!
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