A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey,I am in a messy situation and not sure what to do at this point. I would like to make it less complicated, and I have no clue how to proceed.My husband passed away almost over a year ago from an accident. I was fortunate enough to be loved by in-laws, and we remain close to each other. Ever since my husband's death, I have stayed with his brother to keep him company. At first, I thought it was going to be temporary. A few months after the death, I told the brother that I was going to move out. However, he asked me to stay longer. So here I am.I love my late husband's brother very much. I actually had a crush on him a while back, but I never acted on it and got over it eventually. In the past several months that we have lived together, I help him around the house. We also get along great and hang out a lot, but mostly at home. From our interactions such as friendly teasing and being in personal space, I thought that it might have something more. However, I brushed it off as I took it as brother-sister kind of things. That was confirmed when he tried to reconcile with his ex, but it did not workout. That was about 2 months ago. I was there for him and felt heartbroken too; I knew then that I was not really over him. I felt guilty to feel this way. So I took a trip to get away.I have been taking trips for that reason. However, his demeanour shifted recently. He was more attentive, caring, and affectionate towards me--physically and verbally. We shared our fear and insecurities; he often initiated heart-to-heart conversations. He often talked about dating in general, and that he would like to meet someone who would accept him and go steady with. One night, I did ask him about how he would feel if I were to meet someone and decide to go on a date with that person. He got sad, and I felt guilty about it. I consoled him before excusing myself, but he asked me to cuddle with him that night. I was a bit reluctant but went with it. That night we ended up making out (he initiated it) and having confessions. At that moment, it felt right and was romantic. I did make it clear to him that I am only in for a long haul and not a fling. I was also firmed about the fact that he is not his brother's substitution. We decided to take it slow and that things would not change much.Things have not changed since, and we have not talked about what happened that night. His behaviours have toned down a bit, but he still shares his personally stuff. He told me that he is still working on his guilt. I treat him like how I normally do and try to give him some space---hardly physical contact. Somehow I just want to get out from this mess. I still love him, but I am not sure if this is going to work out. I am just afraid that he would back off because he feels guilty. Or may be he just wants to be with someone----not necessarily with me. Or may be that was just a fling.... What should I do?
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crush, heartbroken, his ex, teasing Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2016): In the islamic faith it is actually preferred that the surviving brother marry the deceased brothers wife so that the family of the deceased brother is not torn apart.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2016): I agree with Honeypie - stop living together and wait for a year. If you still have feelings after this then you both should give it a go. Life is way too short. All the best.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (10 December 2016):
 I'm so sorry for your loss.
I don't think being with your late husband's family member is a good idea - I'm all for finding happiness and slowly moving on, but if you wouldn't have got divorced and dated the brother while your late husband was alive, I don't think it's okay to do it now that he has sadly passed away.
If you want to give it a go, though, I think you have to move out and focus on yourself for 6 months or so, with little contact. If you don't, this will likely be a rebound for both of you and you can't take it slow while you live together.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (9 December 2016):
Such a tricky situation.
Firstly, I think you should move out, there is no reason to stay with your in-law other than for convenience. Secondly, how are the two of you going to "take it slow" if you both live together? That is why you are "seeing" mixed emotions, because you are actively looking for change. The number of expectations will only make this tricky situation, trickier.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 December 2016):
 First off, let me say I'm sorry for your loss.
I'm wondering if this a mutual rebound for the pair of you.
You lost your husband and he is having a recently broken relationship that didn't work out.
So you both are looking for some cheering up, attention and affection, but I think IF this really is something deeper you SHOULD get out on of his house (move out) and stand on your own two feet while dealing with the grief.
And he should work on moving ON after his broken relationship.
If you both feel the same in let's say 8-12 months - then start dating and go SLOWLY.
You both feel survivors guilt and perhaps the love you BOTH share for your husband, his brother is what both binds you and keep you apart.
So in short, you two should work on yourselves while NOT living together.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 December 2016):
 If I'm not mistaken, In biblical times a man's brother was to take the widow in and later marry her. But that was then and this is now. It wouldn't be unusual to have feelings for him since he probably has many similarities to your late husband and whatever drew you to him would be the same magnetism now to the brother. Be certain that he is not interested in another before proceeding though. Be careful to not get yourself into a situation that could blow up in your face later on. Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (9 December 2016):
 It seems to me that you both have feelings for each other and have acted with respect to each other. If the option of happiness with this man seems realistic then grasp it with both hands. You have already shared living space so anything onlookers might have said to each other will already have been said.
Be happy.
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