A
male
age
30-35,
*yed Idres
writes:I am 21 year old, I am respected by everyone around me because I am academically an excellent student and I am pursuing a reputed course and in a year I would be yearning almost 8-9 lacks p.a. I have a bright future ahead of me. Although I am good in studies I am really shy when it come to interaction with people, I tend to distance my self from family gathering, etc.When I was young I was not so good in studies, but when I was in 11th I met a girl, I really liked her and started studying just to impress her. I was really shy so I never talked to her. But I did everything to impress her. I was so in love with her that I started thinking about leaving everything and marrying her. But she was of another religion so I knew that we would never be able to live together happily and if we both choose to live together, we would have to leave our families. So I choose my family over her. I never admitted my feeling towards her. That made me really depressed to the point that I considered ending my life, but then again I though about all my parents had done for me and what would happen to them if I decided to end my life. So I pretty much got over it by now. But I still have feeling for her. My cousin looks similar to the girl I had a crush on.My cousin (My mom’s younger sister’s daughter) is 13 years old. She is a lot like me (shy, silent and never expressing her feelings). We meet each other twice or thrice a year, when our family would go on vacation together. It all started 4 years back, when we went on a water theme park. I saved her from drowning. From then onwards she started liking me and we would always stay close to each other. I am over protective of her. Although we don’t talk with each other, since she is really shy and doesn’t even talks with her own father.Whenever we are together we usually are close to each other, we would sit together holing hands when we are traveling or when we are walking. Her mom (my aunt) would be careless of her, because she knows that I am looking after her. I never have gone past than holding her hands, but last time when we were returning home from journey, we sat besides each other holding hands and she was like constantly staring at me (like she’s really fallen for me). I felt really awkward and pretended not to look at her (even though I was holding her hand) and all the romantic movies and serials she’s watching aren’t making anything good. This time when we went on vacation, I distance myself from my cousin. I never went near her and I didn’t let her near me. I do really care for her and I am really worried of her. But I do feel like a child molester, I have created feelings in a child’s heart which is really wrong, I am too old for her (8 years difference between me and her). She has a lot to enjoy in life and would be happy with a person of age close to her. I feel awfully bad about me being close to her (holding hands and getting close to her). I feel guilty now, whenever I see her. I feel worse of myself. I feel like I manipulated her feelings for me. My mom and her mom (my aunt) know about us being so close to each other and liking each other. He mom asks about my status at least once whenever she comes (like whether I have a girlfriend, whether I like someone special etc.) and my mom usually says to me that the more the age gap is between the partners the better the marriage would be (my mom and dad has an age difference of 12 years). My mom and her mom talks to each other on phone everyday for hours together (she and her are like best friends more than sisters). A month ago, my uncle got a marriage proposal for me. The brides family was very rich and they were willing to wait for 2-3 years (because I have to complete my studies), if we are ok with the proposal. My mom denied the proposal saying that I would marry only after 5-6 years. She would be more than willing to get me married to my cousin after 6 years if I said yes.I don’t know how I feel about my cousin. I have got many mixed feeling for her (I like her, I am over protective of her, I want to see her happy, I am always nice to her) I know that’s its really bad to like her as a partner, because she is so young and If I really went ahead of myself, I could really Waite for like 6-7 years to be with her. But I am confused about my feelings. I don’t know what I feel; I don’t know what to do. I feel really bad of myself and depressed. Right now I am not able to concentrate on my studies or anything else, because I feel bad about myself.I don’t know what to do, but I am considering to find a job overseas once I complete my studies (in a year) and not to return to my country for like 4-5 years. I feel like removing all the connections from my family members and to be alone until I get over my feelings and until I know what I really want in life.
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female
reader, Brandy205  +, writes (3 June 2012):
Hello Syed, your story is a truly heartbreaking one. You are only 21 years old yet you seem to have been through so much in your young life. I really do feel for you and everything that you have been through. You say that you have feelings for your cousin, but ask yourself, if your cousin did not look like the girl you fell in love with in 11th grade would you still have the same feelings? I think at this time in your life, the 8 year age gap between you and your cousin is too much for you to be thinking about embarking on any kind of relationship, but maybe in 5 or 6 years time, when your cousin is much older, if she still feels the same way then the situation will be much better. Please do not feel bad, guilty or like a molester. You have done nothing wrong. All you did was hold your cousin's hand. I think your idea of travelling overseas in a year's time, when you have finished your studies is a great idea, because then you will get to see the world and you can decide what you really want to do with your life. You have been through so much and I wish you all the best. Take care.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2012): So you have feelings for your first cousin. She's too young right now, but you need to finish your studies first. Your mother is happy with that so I would guess the rest of the community is, too. Eight years difference seems like a lot now, but fifty years from now it won't seem like such a big deal.
There is a strong, an misguided, prejudice in my part of the world against marrying anybody is kin at all. Some places marrying first cousins is standard, some places it's OK and some places it's illegal, so whose advice would be good. Your mother's of course.
Here is an article on kinship and marriage you can buy from scincemag.com. It's from the pestigious journal SCIENCE.
An Association between Kinship and Fertility of Human Couples Agnar Helgason et al. SCIENCE vol. 329 no. 5864 February 8, 2008 page 813 – 816
It's a bit heavy reading, but you are smart, studious and have years to think about it. Notice when they say "second cousin or closer" that means "first cousin once removed." You'll have to make up your own mind, but I think you'll find the biology of the situation is not bad, certainly not as bad as marrying a total stanger.
I wish you happiness and the best of luck with your heart wrenching (a lot of us wish we had your problem, though) feelings.
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