A
male
age
36-40,
*nonyman
writes:Hi there.Lately i don't know what's going on in my head, i've lost a huge sense of direction in my life and i'm feeling down a lot more than usual. I've not long turned 21 years old, and i see everyone else around me moving on in different ways and making something of themselves. All i seem to do is earn money, and come home. Don't get me wrong i go out with friends when i'm free on weekends (days and nights), i have one or two people i class as good friends, i also have a supportive family and great parents. There can be some good times of course. I value the good things i have, but it's going to take something more than that.When i left school 5 years ago i felt i had the world at my feet, never mind being a virgin at 21 (it hurts to type that). I had one "girlfriend" 4 years ago if you could class her as one, we never even kissed. Pathetic. For some reason i'm not attracted to lots of girls all the time, i'm not the loudest most forward guy around anyway. I can count on one hand the girls i've met over the years who've made me go home thinking about them for ages after. I don't think i'm picky, it just takes a certain type of girl to make something click in my head and say "she's special". Sadly i don't think there is many of them around where i am, and they all seem out of my reach anyway.A girl who i've fancied for 2 years now has recently been on holiday, she's everything that i would want in a girl as far as i can tell. I haven't been abroad for 5 years, but that's beside the point. After looking at the pictures of her holiday she posted, i can't help but feel quite sad. Can't quite figure out why it triggers me off like that, it's not jealousy or anything stupid. Maybe it's the fact of how confident and happy she seems and i can't be with her, don't really know for sure. I used to go to the gym towards the back end of 2005 right into 2007, but for some reason i just stopped going. I'm not badly overweight (allthough i could do with the workout), but i was thinking if i start going again it might help re-build my confidence. Plus i was also thinking about sorting out a holiday, but i think it would have to be next year because my friend who i would probably end up going with has only just finished uni and is not long back from lanzarote.I know the problems i have i'll have to sort out on my own accord, but it helps me to write down what i feel. Has anyone else ever felt like this? Could it be me feeling lonley creating other problems? And what could be some good ways to clear my head and get my life back on the tracks?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Quacked +, writes (25 July 2009):
 First things first...stop pressuring yourself. You are not strange, or weird because you are still a virgin; it's not something to be ashamed of. When you do meet the right woman she'll be far happier that you're a virgin than if you had a 'wealth' of experience. I am 23 and only lost my virginity a year ago, it's no big deal. Besides which you are not the only virgin around, people lie - remember that!
I think the gym is a great idea it will give you a goal and it may help improve your sense of self and well being by improving your confidence. The holiday would be a good idea too, you should try to pursue a hobbie of some kind to try and meet new people.
Stop comparing yourself to others. Everyone is different and moving on in life is normal. They might look happy but have you ever thought that they are just as unhappy as you are?! By comparing yourself you are bringing yourself down and re-enforcing your negative beliefs. I.e. If you constantly think i'm not good enough, i'll never achieve anything that's how you will approach life. You will present yourself to people as not good enough and thus you will prevent yourself from succeeding.
You sound to me like you are depressed so it may help you to talk to your doctor. Im not necessarily suggesting medication but maybe counselling may help you to get back on track, help you set goals, etc.
I've been as unhappy as you seem. I've felt bad about myself, felt that i'd never find someone to love me, that i was inexperienced, etc. In fact i still suffer to this day (tackling it by doing a counselling course at the moment)...i really hope that the advice that you recieve here will help you feel more positive about yourself and your future.
Just remember you are not alone. I'd be more than willing to try to help you in any way that you think i could...
Quacked
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (24 July 2009):
 Personally I think you need to stay active as the more alone time you have the more lonely you feel.
Yes getting back to the gym would help your self confidence but also getting involved in something where you could meet new people would be good to. That could be a course at college or something or evening classes, maybe a little salsa dancing or something, this way you meet new people each week and by going along you are not asking for any favours but instead just having fun and learning a new skill. Again by dancing you allow yourself to be free and easy and just enjoy it.
I didn't lose my virginity until I was 20 - almost 21 so don't knock yourself for wanting to hang on to it. So many do it so early on and regret it. There is nothing wrong in waiting, my ex was 19 when he lost his virginity, OK over the years he has made up for lost time, more so after we split up after almost 20 years together but that was his choice.
You have seen this girl you like in pictures that show her without inhibitions and enjoying life. That is all you need to do, enjoy life and appreciate what you have.
Yes have a goal like a holiday abroad with your friend, do you drive, do you have a car? Make yourself independent and just getting away on a weekend and going to the beach or out to somewhere with friend's is a great way to meet new people.
We all have lonely times in our lives but you are still very young so don't continue to punish yourself, you are not 90 and sitting alone in a chair, you have your life stretched out in front of you.
If you feel things are monotomous then add a little spice to your life, do you want to continue to do the job you are doing? Is there a way you could improve your skills with getting more qualifications whilst still working and earning a wage?
Stop worrying and punishing yourself, there is nothing wrong in wanting to wait before you get close to a girl. It just means you will have more care and compassion for when the right girl comes along. There is no shame in saying you are a virgin, just cos your friend's are not does not mean you have to follow suit. Just when you are ready make sure you take precautions and enjoy it. You will know when you are ready to take the next step.
Wish you well and here any time OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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