A
male
age
51-59,
*earn2grow
writes:Im 37 and my girlfriend is 41. We have been dating for about 5 months and get along fine. However, I have noticed that her home life kind of distracts us from developing a solid relationship. She has two kids 17 and 20 who live with her (i dont have any kids) and a sister with 3 kids of her own who is always visiting when Im there. Tonight we were alone in her room talking and enjoying each others company when the door bell rang. It was her sister with her kids. The kids start running around as soon as they enter the house and the sister enters the room to use my girlfriend's computer. I sat there patiently, but couldnt help but to feel internally agitated. My girlfriend and I continued to talk to each other but the sister kept interupting. She then started sending my girlfriend picture messages on her phone. My girlfriend focused her attention on her sister as they looked at the pictures. I couldnt help but to feel like maybe i should be on my way after about 15 minutes of sitting there by myself. I know it doesnt seem like a big deal, but when it happens quite often it begins to get annoying. Im kind of shy and too nice at times so I have a habit of keeping my thoughts to myself. I ended up getting up and telling my girlfriend that I had to leave. She walked me to my car and I gave her an effortless kiss. I drove off in a bad mood because the experience made me feel so uncomfortable. Am I wrong and selfish to feel that way? Sometimes I feel that Im making too big of an issue of it, but also don't like that feeling of being ignored. Any and all advise is greatly appreciated.
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (12 September 2009):
 You are right to be angry. It was your time to be with her, and her family interrupted that. But like you said you are too nice, and my guess is that you never told her what your boundaries are. I doubt you have ever even thought of your boundaries.First, when it comes to her kids, they are the priority. You are just a boyfriend, and her kids are her kids. Although they are not infants, they still need their mother, and if you continue in this relationship, you have to know they will continue to be a priority for her, until you become so serious, that her kids, becomes your priority as well.Next, as for the sister and her kids, you need to talk to your girlfriend and set a boundary about your time with her. You feel violated because as a man, "putting our relationship first" is emotional need #7 of men. She violated it when she let her sister barge in and stopped being with you.You need to figure out what is more important to you for a relationship that you are in. Also, the fact that you are not sure if you should be angry or not, when you clearly do feel violated, is at the root of this problem.-Frank Kermithttp://www.franktalks.com
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (11 September 2009):
 I think you need to sit down with your girlfriend in a quiet place at a quiet time, and gently and lovingly explain to her that you want to spend much more quality time with her alone.
That means she has to tell her sister to stay home and stop barging in at all hours of the day and night while your girlfriend and you are trying to snuggle up and enjoy each others' company in a bedroom no less.
It seems to me that the 17 and 20 year olds are not a problem as they can take care of themselves mostly at least for a few hours.
The real problem here's all the distractions.
The solution is simple.
As I said, lovingly and gently tell your girlfriend that you want to spend more time with HER, ALONE, together. As much as possible. You want her to know and understand that you have needs and those needs include being close and intimate with her.
Tell her that you can't do that when she's letting other people steal valuable time from both of you.
I can't stress enough how important TIME is to every relationship. If you don't take the time to be with and enjoy the company of your significant other, then its the same thing as withholding love or downright neglect. Just tell her she's hurting you when she doesn't tell all of these people to leave the two of you alone. They're her family and they have to listen to her.
Now the other thing I'd suggest is that the two of you find some place, far enough away, so that no one can find you except by emergency phone call and there are no more barging ins going on.
You two are entitled to your privacy and entitled to form emotional and lasting bonds together.
Now as for the effortless kiss. Well, she got from you what she invested in you that night. Think of it this way. If she's not paying attention to you, when you're trying to pay attention to her, then you're telling her that she's not worth the effort -- unless she makes the effort to be there for you.
If you two had made wild, passionate love, that parting kiss would've been fireworks instead of a dud.
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