A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been feeling a bit down these days, perhaps since Father's Day just came and went. While everyone else was posting lovely quotes and photos about the "best dad in the world", I couldn't relate.My parents both came here in their mid-late twenties, from Taiwan, and I was born and raised in LA. All my life, my dad has been the stereotypical/traditional Taiwanese/Chinese father. He only makes money. Of course I appreciate that he's the sole breadwinner in the family, letting my mom stay at home, and allowing us to go to college. But he doesn't do anything else. My mom raised us alone for our entire lives. She knows everything about us but my dad knows nothing about us.I appreciate that he paid for my opportunity to study abroad, but that was after mom's persistent convincing because he didn't see the point. We are well-off and while that doesn't mean my dad has to let me go, I just wished he thought about it instead of saying No right away to any expense as usual. He is very cheap, but the problem is he's not saving for anything. He has no dreams or hobbies and just stays at home all day. At my graduation, my mom was busy taking photos like other parents while my dad just sat there and fanned himself. Even more significantly, my dad works from home, so we should have more interaction but we barely speak a few words to one another daily. I've tried but I always end up resenting him. He tells old fashioned jokes that he thinks are funny but are actually inappropriate. Yesterday, he showed me an R-rated sexy movie and asked if I wanted to watch it with him. He thinks he's funny, but he's inappropriate. I think all these years spent working at home has made his social skills nil. He sometimes says inappropriate things in public or family parties also. Also, sometimes I go to his home office room to get something I've printed. From his screensavers I can tell that he has a foot fetish... Not cool. I understand he's human but I wish he were more fatherly like. It's hard for us to understand one another, especially since he isn't with the times and lacks exposure to the "real world." (His company is a partnership of two people). He asked my mom if she thinks my brother will get into MIT for college. My brother's grades and abilities are far from what it takes to get to any Ivy League level school. I couldn't believe that my dad who went to 3 prestigious universities himself didn't have any sense of realism. I can't help but compare my barely-there father to everyone else's. I'm so blessed that my mom is adventurous and takes us out. My dad always acts weak, whining about driving when we do go on family outings, while other dads take the wheel. Since high school, I've jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend until about 2 years ago when I finally "grew up." Subconsciously in a way. I began focusing on me, my academics, and my career. I finally gained confidence and control. It wasn't until now that I took a human development course, and realized that my past behavior could have been due to lack of a fatherly figure. I can't help but feel upset. For father's day my friend quoted her dad as "the only man in the world who will never break my heart" and I couldn't relate at all. My friends wake their dads up at midnight to kill spiders while my dad sleeps on the floor (next to the king bed) with an eyemask because he's afraid light will prevent him from sleeping.I hope this feeling will pass, and as I grow, I will start filling out these empty-feeling gaps on my own. But what can I do now? I truly thank those who took the time to read this. I know it's unorganized but any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014): When i read the title of your post i was going to answer differently but then i read everything and changed my opinion.You're extremely lucky to having two loving parents who are still together. My Mum and Dad divorced when i was 5 years old. It was extremely traumatic as i was very close to my Dad. The only happy memories i have of my childhood are when he lived with us. He'd make up bedtime stories and take me everywhere. The day he left, our relationship dissolved pretty quickly.He re-married and had two daughters. He's still very happy with his wife, of which i'm glad, but i'll always have that sadness of the fact that i missed out on growing up with him. Now all i get is the occasional Facebook message and we maybe see each other once a year.Be grateful for what you have because believe me you'll regret it if anything ever happened (God forbid) and you no longer had your father around. Your Dad is human, just like you, he's going to have his weaknesses. Your friend's Fathers aren't perfect either, no matter how much they'd like people to think they are.
A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (21 June 2014):
 My brother treats my dad like dog turd. My dad had a heart attack and a triple heart bypass but it doesn't stop my brother stressing him, using him, upsetting, him and with no apology or remorse either....yet on fathers day came the card, from my brother, with "TO THE WORDS GREATEST DAD! I LOVE YOU!" all over it!
Most of what you see on fathers day is corporate money making schemes and tacky gifts. Cards which proclaim that everyones dad is the worlds best (how can that be possible) and attention seeking facebook rubbish about how amazing everyone thinks their dads are on that one day of the year.
Mark
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014): No offence, OP but you haven't really grown up at all yet. You yearn for the hallmark father's day card type father instead of valuing the one you actually have and accepting all his quirks.
You view your father as a disappointment to you because he doesn't live up to your lofty expectations and frankly you sound like a bit of a spoiled teenager.
He's your dad and if you can't honestly sit here and say to us he didn't do the best for you these past 20+ years in his own way then you should learn the accept the man he is and temper your expectations of him.
Once you figure out that he is his own man, that loves you in his own way and has always worked his socks off to provide for you then you'll have grown up. Once you get past this idiotic comparison with other people's dads then you may learn to accept that you probably have a great father who would kill for you but that you may never have anything in common with as a person.
He's not done anything to hurt you, you've been hurt by your expectations and you know what, OP? You wouldn't exactly be worthy of a sweet sentimental daughter's day message (if that was a thing) from him either by the sounds of things because all you see is a man who disappoints you, doesn't live up to the way you think he should live his life and a daughter by the sounds of things that will never accept the man he is because her standards of men are apparently better than him. One who also blames her daddy issues on him too.
You know, OP, when you stop looking at your father with disdain and disgust, accept that he's a bit of an oddball fruitcake then you may actually connect better with him. You're an adult now, you can blame him for you feeling this way all you want but you can change that by accepting him as a person. You can moan about not getting enough hugs from your daddy or you can start to create a relationship with him based on acceptance of him and actually just get your hugs off him now.
I didn't grow up with a father, he chose heroin instead. I never cared, I have a great mother who was everything I needed. I never once felt sad or that I missed out based on some bullshit father's day messages on Facebook or any of that crap because I just didn't care. I feel more sorry for people like you that can't enjoy their life because it's not perfect, because it's not a hallmark picture perfect family. From the sounds of things you have a great family, a mother who absolutely adores you and almost worships the ground you walk on, a father who is weird but works hard and loves you in his own way and regardless of whether he thinks things are a good idea or not he does listen to and respect you and your mother enough to go against what he thinks is the right way of doing things to give you what you want and need.
OP there has to be a point in your life when you stop looking at others with jealous eyes and realise your father while not perfect is probably a good dad, the guy just lives a bit in his own little world. Because you know what, OP, our parents don't live forever and while you see nothing but a disappointment now, you don't want the only time you realise who he is and how he really was to you to be when he's gone because you'll never get a chance to build the kind of relationship you want with him then.
Because you're an adult now, OP, you can't blame him for anything anymore because you're old enough to change things.
All you do is moan and blame him for stuff. In your position I'd learn to accept him and how I was raised, and build a relationship with him now. If he won't hug me, I'll throw my arms around him and tell him I love him.
because you see, OP, he's not a fool. He's probably raised a daughter in you that he knows pretty much hates him, who has probably been very vocal about her criticisms of him growing up and has without doubt heard from your mother all the grievances you have about him too. So if you want to feel grown up try and empathise with that with him a little here too, he probably feels like an outsider in his own family.
Once you can see this situation from the outside then maybe then you'll realise that as an adult you are now free to build a good relationship with him, but from the looks of things you want him to change into the perfect dad and do all the work so it won't happen. If you can learn to accept that he will never be the dad you think he is and that in his own way he's probably done a great job, then you'll finally be able to work through these issues you have.
OP I grew up without a father, people put so much importance into this father figure, mother figure bullshit that they don't realise it's all nonsense.
I have a very good marriage, am stinking rich, will be a father myself soon hopefully and have no daddy issues at all. My wife has a doctorate in psychology and in all my discussions with her about daddy issues I've come to realisation that it's nonsense created by a person's need to have the perfect life instead of accepting what they have.
Of course abuse is different, but everything else is down to unrealistic expectations and jealousy.
You've created these issues for yourself basically, OP. He's just being the man he is. If I can have a junkie for a father who was never there and not care in the slightest then how come with a responsible father who has done his best for you are you blaming him for not being perfect? Where did you get this idea that life has to be perfect from? Get rid of it, OP. Because you do have a fatherly figure, he's just not good enough for you because your standards are too high.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014): You say your dad is cheap, but also say you're "well-off" and he has/is paying for your college tuition. Regardless of who's idea it was, you just got a bonus that you are very lucky to have - as I'm sure you're aware. Your dad presumably worked hard for his money and probably doesn't want you thinking it's on tap; you should work to cover your own expenses with little help from him if he's already paid/paying for your tuition.As for having a dad who's there physically, but not there emotionally, I concur. It would be a nicer life if your dad took an interest, wasn't inappropriate and made more of an effort to bond with you, and I am in no way excusing his emotional neglect (for lack of a better term), but you need to count your blessings that you aren't someone who's father is neglecting/abusing them AND they can't afford to go to university to better themselves (through that route) enough to escape the home as soon as you may be able to.I know what emotional neglect is like and it's often dismissed as not seeing eye to eye. I despise when people will agree that them neglecting you is wrong, then say "but it's just who they are" - as if that's supposed to make you accept/forget it as though it doesn't hurt. The sad truth is, you don't get to pick/mould your parents and some people just don't take to the emotional side of parenting very well - either because of a cultural difference or their own childhood, etc.If you do struggle with this, which it appears you do (understandable), I think that you should see a counsellor so that, instead of critising your dad, you can find a way to tolerate him and his ways.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 June 2014):
 Accept your Dad for who he is. There really isn't much else you can do.
85% of stuff you see on Social websites are fantasy and wishful thinking. SERIOUSLY. DO NOT compare yourself or your life to what you THINK life is like on Facebook.
My dad worked hard from I was born til I was in my late 20's. HE still managed to find time for vacations and holidays. Doesn't mean he was a super great dad. OR... husband. But I love him just the same, because he is MY dad.
BE thankful for your mom. Be thankful for your dad, even if he is NOT how you would want him to be, or how you think he SHOULD be.
I grew up with many male role-models. My Dad who was kind of absent, my bigger brother for one (who was, to put it mildly) a wild child but good buy, my uncles (one who had been married a whole 9 times by now) and a grandfather who was quite the philander. So none of them the IDEAL man nor perfect role models yet, they all taught me a lot of lessons.
I would suggest therapy.(And I don't mean that as being snotty or offensive but to HELP you deal with the lack of a male role model.) I think you need help in accepting that your Dad is who he is, and not who you think he should be. Accept that there are thing you CAN NOT change. Like your Dad.
MANY MANY people grow up with out a father, and turn out to become GOOD people. At some point you NEED to decide to
BECOME a good person DESPITE having had a less then stellar father figure. YOU are in change of who you are, and who you will become.
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