A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem.My boyfriend and I have been together about 3.5 years, and he is 14 years my senior (I'm 22). We got together when I was in my first year at university, and we share the same core values and ambitions. However, he has been unemployed for 3 years within our relationship and has just started working his way out of the rut he is in, which I'm pleased about. Recently, I've been feeling disillusioned with our relationship because it seems we are perpetually long-distance (2.5 years that we've been together) and it feels like I'm having a relationship with a telephone sometimes. I tried talking to him about how I'm feeling, but he took it really badly and starting asking questions like; 'Don't you love me anymore then?' - and I found myself questioning if I do! Sometimes I feel like I'm staying with him because I think our ambitions are similar, and not because I actually love him. I also feel that I'm too young to be settling down like he wants to, but I'm also worried that I won't meet anyone else who treats me like he does.The awful part is this: I moved away for work for a few months in February, and immediately found a spark with someone in my town. I didn't act on it because I hate people who cheat, but last night we kissed - passionately, for quite a while. I feel like I should be feeling guilty, but all I'm feeling is elation because I got to kiss this guy, and I want it to happen again which makes me think I really don't want to be in a relationship.When I last saw my boyfriend (last weekend) we agreed to give our relationship an overhaul, declared our love for each other and I can't bear to hurt him by breaking up with him - he said things like; 'I've planned my whole future around you' 'You're the only one that I see myself with in the future' and I feel immensely guilty to keep chopping and changing my mind. That's another problem; since I moved away in February, I've changed my mind several times over my feelings for him - one week I want to try and make it work, the next I am sick of him and want to break things off. I wish that I could just feel one thing! I know this isn't necessarily a question, but it would really help me with another persons' input. Thankyou.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 March 2014):
 In the end.. you will struggle with this over and over even after you make a final choice... and in the end you will leave the boyfriend. AND I think you should.
You give very valid reasons why you want to end the relationship. You are 22 and do not wish to be tied down. He is He 36 and has been unemployed for most of your relationship. He pressures you and guilts you into staying with him. Neither are signs of love.
Jealousy is not a sign of love btw but rather insecurity.
LDRs are hard to maintain. If after 3 years you moved away, that's indicative of the relationship not meeting your needs.
You must be honest with him and tell him that you think it's time for you to start seeing other people. It will hurt and he will escalate his behavior to try and keep you. But your choice is to stay and be unhappy or lie and cheat... (which in the end will make you sad too).
Best thing to do, is bite the bullet and and end it with the older LDR guy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2014): I think if you have to question if you love this guy, then you definitely do not love him. Long distance is very difficult and is a test for relationships. You are are only 22 and still at university. You don't want to look back and say I wasted the best years of my life on an LDR (especially if you are struggling with and questioning whether you actually are in love with him.
I know its difficult but both of you are on different paths and if you separated for this long then you have to tell yourself maybe its just not meant to be. Is there no time where you can see the LDR resolving and the two of you together? If not call it a day. Your life is happening now and you can't box yourself off for a LDR for some guy you're not even sure you love anymore.
Best of Luck!
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (22 March 2014):
You have exactly two choices here, sweetie.
Stay with him and be miserable, and become resentful, bitter, and angry, or break it off and have fun.
I highly recommend the latter. Guilt is a very common tactic people use to convince them to stay, you are not responsible for his happiness, only your own.
This is the only life you've got, and the only youth you've got. Please don't waste it, you'll regret it. Live for you, not for someone you don't even really love.
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