A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We have been together for about 9.5 months. We are compatible with each other and intend to take the relationship to the next level when the time is right.There is this thing that keep bugging me and upsetting me a bit. I am 32 and she is 28. Both are fully employed. She has a house but she is renting it out and living to her mum and 3 sisters. I get along very well with her family too.This just happened today and it has happened before and I would love to hear from you guys point of view and see if my feeling is normal. Her mum has a very good friend, named Peter and he gave thrm three free tickets to a sporting event this coming Saturday. So she messaged me this afternoon and said they have been given three free tickets and she is going with mum and a sister. I told her that I'm happy that they are going and have a good time and I told her that wouldn't it be nice for her, as courtesy to ask me first if I got anything planned for us on Saturday as I feel that she is living like she is single not us as a couple?When I told her how I felt, she said she didn't need my permission to do anything and I said to her I'm not asking her to ask for permission but wouldn't it be cool to check with your other half first to spend your weekend.She said she didn't have a choice and it is a free ticket. I said you do have a choice. You could have given the ticket to your other sister and spend time with me.That also make me think that if better opportunities, free gift, free tickets arise in the future, I wouldn't see her that day/week as she will just grab it because it is free?That's how I feel. Is it normal to feel this way? We are still talking about this and hope to find a compromise for the future. Any ideas and suggestions? Thanks a lot. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 January 2012):
 And here I though this was a typical ego trip thing guys did. Guess that was me jumping the gun. I've had this happen to me too, MAAANY times. And by inexperienced guys who don't think like a couple, but think like they are still single.
I don't think it would be necessary for her to check with you first if you had plans or not. But, there's a but.. This depends on how the rest of your relationship is, and if this only happens now and then, and she is otherwise a giving and devoted girlfriend who puts the relationship first and prioritizes you, then it'd not be a problem. But this happens all the time you say.
The deal isn't that you should be asked if she can go. Because that'd be controlling, yes. But the deal is that she could have thought like a "couple" rather than "single". Couples mind: Free tickets, but I can't bring my bf as there aren't enough tickets. Too bad, maybe we can find another ticket somewhere, or buy him one and split the costs? Singles mind: Free tickets, yay I get to go!
She shouldn't check if you had plans or not as if you had plans you should have TOLD HER about the plans, naturally. Besides you can't be making plans on her behalf you know. But I understand how you feel. I have an ex who didn't really think like he was in a relationship. People would call him and ask to meet up, and he'd schedule down plans and before you knew it he had filled up his entire week, with NO room for me, his girlfriend at the time. Because he didn't think that maybe I would have liked to meet him as well.. He didn't think that maybe HE should ask me if I wanted to meet up that week, before he plans things with everyone else.
It's the line of thought that makes you feel uneasy about this, not the action itself. Like another ex of mine who instead of going on vacation with me used his money to buy a Playstation 3 for his best friend as his best friend had recently been dumped by his girl. I get that you should look after friends and all, but that was a lot of money, close to exactly what it would have cost him to go on vacation with me...
If you are the sort of person who wants someone who puts the relationship first, and I am also that sort of person, then this girl might not be the one for you. You should still maintain individuals in a relationship, but a relationship is more than two individuals occasionally meeting....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): I guess this is a matter of expectations OP. Personally I'm just used to knowing everything that my girlfriend is doing because she tells me everything and I do the same for her.
The unwritten rule between us is that we don't need to ask permission from each other nor to consider the each other when taking people up on things like free tickets etc unless we already have something planned.
The way we do it is simple, 1. we consider what the other person would say if we asked. 2. we consider whether there are already plans we made with each other or even discussed "maybe" doing that specific day. 3. we consider whether that thing is something we can postpone for another time. 4. we trust each other and know each other well enough to allow each other to make those decisions without consultation.
In your specific situation OP free tickets is not something I would deny my girlfriend, so she wouldn't have to ask, she knows I wouldn't say no, she knows that even if we had menial plans like going for coffee we could do that before or after the event she is going to attend. If we didn't already have plans then it's just being a petty to deny her on the chance that "maybe" I wanted to do something with her. We haven't built our relationship on maybe's OP, maybe I love you, maybe we should spend time together, maybe this, maybe that. We've built our relationship on certainties and any uncertainties that are present are cleared up through talking.
The way you speak about this and have approached it is wrong in my opinion. You had no plans, she was presented with a nice opportunity and you kind of have thrown a hissy fit. You could have just said "oh that's great, I would have liked to spend a bit of time with you that day" she would have probably suggested something you could do before or after together and the problem would be solved. But you made it an issue of her reporting to you and getting your permission, not the way things should go OP.
I've been with my girl 6 years and it's the best relationship I've had or heard of. Sure we bicker and have had some tough times. But we've built our relationship on certainties. If we had made plans prior to her being offered free tickets she would not agree to those tickets but would get back to them after asking me. if she wanted to spend time with me instead of going to that she'd say no to them. If she wanted to go and we have no plans then there is no way in hell I would refuse her, she knows this and can say yes then. if she says yes and we have plans and she forgot I don't have to get pissed at her because I know if I asked her too she'd definitely cancel her other plans to do what we originally agreed.
The problem here is uncertainty, you haven't yet taken it to the next level so you don't have complete security. You also haven't been able to set up proper boundaries.
I must warn you though OP. You're kind of over reacting here and the last thing you want is a situation where she feels uncomfortable with people being nice to her because she feels she has check it with you or you will cause an argument. An argument over a maybe, well she's not a mind-reader Op and you certainly don't want a relationship where she constantly feels she needs to check everything in her life with you in case "maybe" you don't like it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (6 January 2012):
 Wow, I'm going to hand it to you straight. If you keep acting like this with her, you're going to lose her, because you are out of line.
First of all, she's not your "other half" yet. She's your girlfriend, and you aren't at a "next level" with her yet. She has a right to plan her weekend, and she WAS courteous in letting you know what she was up to. You do not have the right to demand that she check with you and ESPECIALLY to demand that she change her schedule to spend time with you.
The two of you are a couple, yes, but this level of demand into her personal life is reserved for those who are married or living together. What you're saying, effectively, is that she has to run her whole life by you before she decides to do anything. Sorry, but you don't get to do that. Not only that, but this sort of thing comes across as needy and clingy, and if you're interested in a "next level" with her, this is not the way to get there, as it will drive her away from you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (6 January 2012):
 Why should your girlfriend check with you before making plans to go somewhere with her mother and sister?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 January 2012):
 I was going to post this long thing… but I don’t need to Mishmash has it totally covered for me.
I agree if you were seriously a couple (i.e. engaged or living together) then she needed to check first but if you didn’t have premade plans prior to her accepting this ticket, then she was kind to let you know she was going out….
IF YOU WANT more from her then step up the game and make it a more serious relationship….
why is she renting out a home she owns to live with her mom at 28? that's a bit odd to me unless there is a very legitimate financial or physical reason.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): Actually, I'd agree with your girlfriend. If she receives several tickets from Peter who is her mother's close friend, then the polite thing to do (especially if she lives in her mother's house) is invite Peter's circle which happens to be her immediate family. If you have been dating a short time and you don't live together, I don't think she "owes" you that courtesy.
But I'm guessing this issue with the tickets is a distraction from the real issue; you would like to be closer to her. Which is why I'm curious about this part of your post:
"We are compatible with each other and intend to take the relationship to the next level when the time is right."
Which one of you is hesitant about "the next level"? What does "the next level" mean anyway? Does it mean you move in together? Does it mean you have an honest conversation about your commitment to her?
Whatever it means, it sounds like she prioritizes her family before her boyfriends. Is that really "single" behavior? To me that makes a lot of sense if she's still living with her family.
If you want to change per priorities, ask her to move in with you. But I would never recommend trying to put yourself between her and her family...especially with a woman who chooses to live with them...that scenario will backfire.
I also have to ask, if you want her attention, why don't you just ask her or invite her out somewhere yourself?
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