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female
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*laireB
writes: I have just turned forty and met the most amazing man. My daughter, family, friends and work mates all think he's wonderful. The problem is I feel smothered by him although he lets me do as I wish. He wants to spend 24/7 with me. What is wrong with me. I should be at my most happiest at the moment but I am not. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Clarey  +, writes (3 May 2006):
 Hello there. I know exactly what you mean. Perhaps you should start with telling him that whilst you have been swept along with the initial excitement of this relationship, that you feel there are areas of your life that you would like to reclaim. He "lets you do as you wish". Lets you. Sounds as though you may be subconciously seeking permission, especially as keeping your own space has not been natural to you.
It is really difficult to establish these boundaries (I am always mentioning them because they are so important). Do a search on line for "establishing boundaries" and once you get past the bits that relate to planning permission you should find some fascinating information about what you are feeling. Certainly, a classic sign of being unable to establish them, is resentment.
There is no reason to give up this relationship if you are able to correct the balance, unless you new man shows other control issues as time goes on. You could also search for information on controlling behaviours so that you can be aware. I really hope that you do settle into this relationship if it is right for you. Remember that it does not matter what other people think, it is about YOUR true feelings and you probably need to give yourself some time to feel the depth of them and know what is right for you.
A
female
reader, ClaireB +, writes (3 May 2006):
ClaireB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDazzerg,
Thanks I'll try to communicate better (something I do find hard to do)
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A
female
reader, ClaireB +, writes (3 May 2006):
ClaireB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much. I have let him know that I need my space and he is being very understanding. I think I just feel pressurised at finding such a nice guy at my age and I'm not sure whether I'll get this chance again. I'll take it slowly and see what develops.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (3 May 2006):
 I dont think you have told this guy you need your space !! I think the only thing missing here is some communication. Tell him you like him (if it is true) then tell him that although you like him you need some space to be without him. Tell him that unless you get this your relationship will not survive.
If on the other hand you are uncomfortable because you DON@T want to be with him then you have to disregard what your friends and family think and go with your gut instincts and get out now, before you end up with any joint commitments and it all gets really difficult.
Good luck
xx
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (3 May 2006):
 I think the important thing here is that you set firm boundries and define your own space; explain to him that its not about anything other than your own space in a caring and reassureing way then he sould understand.
The reason you are not happy is because you feel crowded out. Maybe you could set asided specific time on a regular basis that you specify as 'you time' together then after you have had that time then meet up. Start that way then proceed, this gets him used to the idea of you having your own space but softens that idea if you spend time with him after you have had this space. Hope that helps.
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