A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend almost 3 years. Things have been going really well, especially the past year and a half. I've accepted that he's a bit of a "commitment phobic" but we've seemed to work past that, and I've felt that we can work through any issues. That's part of what seems so strange...We haven't fought, or had major issues. He's not a cheater--he's been cheated on in the past as have I. We both hate cheaters, and he swears that's one thing he would never do. And, I don't think he's mad over anything...or he would have told me. He's the type that just speaks his mind. But his behavior is very strange...Hardly calls me, just sends me a few brief texts through the day (usually evening while he's at work). A few weeks ago I had a halloween party, he came and everthing was great. But that's the LAST time we saw each other in person. Since then he hasn't called me, hardly texts me unless I've texted him first...(with the exception of yesterday when we had an hour long text conversation)... He's been online on facebook 3 intermittent times today but didn't send me a message (so who the hell is he chatting with if not me?) And, ...well just basically ignored me all day. I'm starting to feel that he doesn't care about maintaining the relationship and I'm just his "convenience girlfriend" ...he just sees me when it's convenient and he has time. Now, he's just talking to me when he has time...it's upsetting. To top it off we haven't had sex in almost 2 months. And, I have tried, but he declined because of work/being too tired. When I bring up these issues, he just apologizes and blames all his other responsibilities (work, single parenthood, his band, etc)I fear maybe the spark has gone out of our relationship and he's just bored with me, and that he's giving up on "us". ...Or maybe he just feels too busy for a relationship. Sad really...I really wish I could just ignite the fire under his butt that would ignite his interest again, and make him work for his relationship. It takes 2 to tango after all. The other issue is that I worry he looks down on me for being unemployed (meanwhile when we started dating, the situation was reversed and I worked full time plus published a magazine, and he was laid off. Now I'm laid off..and he completely understands the situation with my losing my job...)I worry that he thinks he's "above me" now and maybe that's why the spark is gone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your support and advice! :) Sugarplum, you are right that I should step back and let him take the lead in communication ;)
Anonymous, you are also completely right. Your words really hit home. I could be just projecting my own insecurities over the job loss situation into my personal life and relationship.
You also help me realize that our situation has just reversed itself, and it's me at home now waiting while he is at work.
Thanks so, so much for your kindness and support!
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (15 November 2013):
 Then its time for you, to stop doing the work and trying to keep the relationship going.
Stop calling and messaging him as he does not seem that keen to keep contact. Let him reach out to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): Maybe you're more aware now of how much attention he does or does not give you because you're not working? Has he changed or is it more a case of you having more time to notice?It doesn't mean you're wrong - in my past I had the scenario where I was so busy I thought we were fine. Then after a very hectic time, I got 3 weeks leave and during that time I suddenly noticed my fiance was actually more MIA than there! In fact, in the 3 weeks I saw him once a week only, this while I was in his hometown, 10 min away compared to the 1 hour of usual. That is when I realised, wait a minute, something is off here. He was cheating and my being on holidays allowed me to notice his distant behaviour, lack of sharing, and rushed time together so he could go be with someone else. I broke it off when I discovered he had been lying, some through actual lies, some through omitting information which was also lying. It took me a long time to get over the betrayal, but years down the line I'm better off and happier and have my "finally ever after" with "The One".Nothing you have said raised red flags of alert. While you were working and busy, you set a pattern which he is probably keeping to, and now that HE is working, he is busier so just maintains the easy pattern.You enjoyed the halloween party, you don't fight, you enjoy each other's company. It all sounds good.If you miss him and want to see him more, you need to communicate that to him. You guys have had a "about turn" that he is no longer at home waiting, and now it's you...You had an hour long text conversation, also sounds good!The best is, don't view his activity on Facebook or it will just make you insecure and paranoid. He could be talking to family, to other friends he hasn't caught up with, or yes, maybe even another girl, but he knows how it feels to be cheated on, I doubt he would want to do it to someone else. Try and picture it when it was him at home, and he would only see you when YOU had free time off work? See? it's role reversal now.I wonder what is up with men and their libido these days - too much opportunity for porn? Too much stress? More and more and more women are complaining of this. The best option is not to try to change him, but yourself. Step 1 is to try and find new employment - it will give you direction, focus, energy and drive. It will give you fulfillment and job satisfaction. You will feel better and happier, which in turn translates to happier in relationship too.Right now, you probably feel low and insecure having lost your work, so it's upsetting you and causing insecurity in your relationship.Get yourself balanced again, keep busy whether it's family or friends, hobbies, interests, sport, gym, whatever keeps you excited which need not cost much if you can't afford it right now, so that when you do see your man, you're in a better place mentally, emotionally and overall.He won't look down on you for not working right now, after all, he knows you accepted him when he wasn't working. In fact, he more than anyone will know how it feels.Invite him over, have a heart to heart and share where you're at, how you feel, and that more than ever you need his attention, support and encouragement as you go through this period in your life. Share that you're feeling insecure which is unlike you, but the current circumstances are bringing it about. By not putting pressure on him, he will listen, and want to help you. He will probably also make more effort knowing you are in a sensitive place. Give him the opportunity knowing how you feel, to do something about it.If nothing changes and you notice he is less and less attentive, even after knowing the above, then you can decide if you are his "part time convenient" girlfriend, or someone he intends to invest his time, love and energy with for a future together.Wishing you strength as you go through this trial, and may you have family, friends and a boyfriend who should you love and support when you need it most.Good Luck! This too shall pass!
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