A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey,I and my boyfriend have been together for 2 and a half years now. We have had our whole loads of up and downs but in the end, we've always made it through, somehow not being able to stay away from each other. We were both virgins when we got together and lost our virginity to each other. He is a nice guy and has always been extremely understanding of me, but now things are getting complicated, we keep falling out on the same issue again and again. The problem stems from when we were about 1 and a half year into our relationship. We got a pregnancy scare, an incorrect H.P.T., and that shook me to my very core. Being in India, there would have been no way I could have kept the child and abortion wasn't something I wanted to do. We made it out in end but till today the fear is present in my mind. I shied from sex after that, told him that I am too scared of it happening again (Really can't afford it happening to me). He did his best to be understanding to me but after a few months sexual frustration made its way into our relationship. I disappointed him many times over it. He'd want to make love to me and I would always be too scared and say no.Another part of the reason I am shying away from it is because of guilt. My parents are very conservative and they don't want me to have a boyfriend (I don't share their views). And even though the logical part of me knows that what I am doing isn't wrong, sometimes guilt makes it way to my heart, the thought that I am betraying my parents who expect me to stay away from the physical world and eventually enter an arranged marriage. Maybe that is why God gave me a scare?? Cos I am betraying my parents?? All these kind of reasons keep getting jumbled in my head, I feel like I am fighting to choose between what I should be and what I want to be and I am scared of the consequences of making this choice,of getting physical again. And while I am trying to deal with all this in my head (and failing at it), my guy is getting hurt. I am ignoring his needs and this has lead to problems between us so many times.I also want to make love to him, the desire is there inside me too, but for some reason, I just am not able to get a clear conscience, to be able to do it without any fears or guilt. He has been very understanding with me but now it seems like it has become too much for even him to take. I mean, how long can I expect him to stay with me like this when he wants nothing more than loving me?? We have fought over it many times but now I am scared I am going to lose him because of this. I need help to get over these fears, I can't talk to anyone about them. Please help!! Tell me what should I do? I don't want to lose him just because I was a coward and nor do I want to make love to him and regret it later or feel guilty about it.
View related questions:
abortion, both virgins, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 January 2013):
 OP, it sounds like you are just looking for excuses to not take responsibility for your sex life and reproductive choices .
What does it mean " pills are not easily accessible " ? There are plenty of OB/GYNs, hospitals, clinics , and even state funded family planning centers ( those with the red triangle ) in India too. All you've got to do is to go see a doctor, and get a prescription. All kind of contraceptive instruments are now available in India , how do you think the natality rate of your country got halved in less than 10 years ? Why, you even have different brands of Plan B -like ( emergency contracception ) pills available over the counter at the chemist, that's more that can be said for several European countries.
Maybe it won't be "easily" accessible in the sense that you may have to go to the next chemist, next neighborhood , next village , next town, or ask your chemist to have your pills sent over from somewhere else , - but the accessibility there is, and you should not worry about it being "easy ", you should worry about having sex without getting pregnant.
Take the proper precautions, make sure that you are as pregnancy safe as humanly possible, and THEN see if the fear and the guilt still resist, and if it's really the case of taking a different approach to the issue .
But first, do properly your contraceptive homework .
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (8 January 2013):
Try to look into how you might get contraception, I understand it is not easily accessible there but there must be a way.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013): Hey,I am the original poster. Thank you for your replies. We were using condom that time too. Also taking pills isn't an option as they are not easily accessible here. I am fully aware of all the contraception methods. I need help in over coming this guilt and fear..
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 January 2013):
Maybe mine is a stupid question, but were you using contracception, and if not, why not ?
If you cannot risk getting pregnant, you don't need to abstain totally from intercourse ( although this is indeed a foolproof method ),you just need to be extremely cautious and use double protection. I.e. being on the pill ( or Depo shot etc.etc ) AND using a condom.
That will give you all the safety and peace of mind you need to live serenely your sex life.
Yes, in theory the condom could split the very same day that you had vomited your pill AND were ovulating, but the chance of all this happening together is so infinitesimal ... that then you could really call that the will of God :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (6 January 2013):
 OP this may seem like an obvious question, but don't you have access to contraception? If you were on the pill and/or using condoms, your chances of an unplanned pregnancy would be greatly reduced.
There are ways other than penetration that you and your boyfriend can do to satisfy one another. Have you tried being intimate with no actual sex?
The issue of your parents not approving is a tough one. But you're an adult and free to make your own choices. This is a long term relationship, not a fling, and you're not doing anything wrong in my opinion.
Good luck, hope you find a solution.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2013): Hi,
I'm from India too and I know how having a relationship before marriage is considered wrong in India. Most of the parents thinks that its wrong to have relationship before marriage. At one point they are right because they are worried about our future. Love is not just about sex. If you both really love each other then you both will wait till your marriage. Is he pressuring you for sex? Even if you make love, you will feel guilty because your parents doesn't know about this relationship.
...............................
|
