A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I have a problem. I have a significant fear of commitment. I suppose that's the only way to describe it. And I don't know how to change it. I'm in my early 30's and I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I'm gay, for the record. Not that that changes anything. But just to give some background info. My problem is that I'll meet a really nice girl and I'll completely destroy it. I've met several women over the course of time that could have potentially been very good to me and very healthy. I left them after a couple months because I found their availability to me to be boring. Yet when I meet a girl who is unavailable and keeps me at an emotional distance, I want them so bad. I'm never happy. Either I'm miserable chasing after someone I can never fully have or I'm miserable in what begins to feel like a boring and routine relationship. I've also got a problem with sex. I feel that I could be in a healthy emotional relationahip with someone, but also find myself wanting sex from other women. Not for emotional purposes, but because I just enjoy that. When I get into a committed relationship with a woman, I begin thinking about all the potential sex I'm giving up with others and start to freak myself out and resent my partner. I start to want out. I also find that a relationship feels so limiting. Like I can't just come and go as I please and I suddenly have to ask permission to do the things I never had to ask permission for when I was single. Or have to stop being friends with certain people because a gf may be insecure and jealous. Or worry they'll get mad at me if I don't call exactly when they expected me to or not get home at the exact time they expect. So I start to feel like the world is shrinking in around me and I panic. Maybe I'm just not wired for long term relationships. But I watch all my friends find them and are happy. They get with great girls and settle down and start families. And then there's me. I think I'm unhealthy in this regard. I have a lot going for me. I have a very professional job and have my shit together. I'm very mature and responsible. It's just my love life that's a messI've met a wonderful girl who is all the things I'd ever look for. She's absolutely gorgeous, smart, shares all the same views of the world as I do. She would be the epitome of what I'd want. And she's emotionally available to me and wants nothing more than to be with me. But already I'm freaking myself out thinking about all the sex with other women I'd have to give up and if I will get bored and want out after a few months. What do I do? How do I change this about myself?? I desperately want a healthy long term relationship. How do I stay happy and overcome this?
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female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (6 October 2016):
 HOW to do this is to seek therapy and some outside help of some sort. I'm a straight female and I get how you feel when you feel tied up to someone who may be potentially boring or too available, I feel those same feelings before and with many many men. But I dont think you feel strongly about any of these girls because the fear of being committed to them overrides the feeling of joy, desire, ecstasy, and love with them. You live in fear and you live in desire only, not seeking to nurture,love, and understand. You come from a very masculine standpoint I also wonder if part of your child felt restricted or you grew up unhappy so much so that its affecting you from having an adult loving relationship. And I also don't think you've met the right girl. Have you also considered being in an open relationship? I think you should seek compatibility: a sexually open girl with a masculine standpoint and is easygoing enough and a bit distant so your boredom doesn't crawl in. Essentially a best friend who gives no damn that you want to have sex with other girls because she wants same thing too. A mirror of yourself might show you who you are more and what you desire, whether that is the fact that you do want a open relationship or a committed one. Seek therapy. Get some perspective on why you are the way you are and maybe the help you need is not that you need to learn how to commit but that you might need to find a different type of a woman who enjoys exactly what you enjoy as well. Good luck =)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut see that's the point. I'm asking HOW to do that. It's not a conscious, intentional thing like you suggest. I don't go through life thinking of how I can hurt the next person. I have good intentions of wanting a stable healthy relationship. I just don't know how to do it. Advice on how to open up and allow those things are what I am seeking out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2016): You never really open your heart. That's because you're greedy and selfish. You focus far too much on yourself and what you want, but you never really give. You take from other people until you tire of them. You have a narcissistic approach to relationships.
You don't give or invest anything, so you really have nothing to lose; so you satisfy all your needs and dry-up the source.
Take a leap of faith. Give-up and forsake all others for someone special. Give something, invest your feelings, and it will not be so easy to just walk away. You're closed-off so you can live the player's life of fun and games. Leaving a string of broken hearts in your path. You fear your karma for all the hearts you've trampled over. You know you've got it coming to you. You don't want to find yourself in their shoes.
You're running like a scared rabbit, girlfriend!
You redeem all the past by doing what's right in the present. If you've met a good person, and you feel her stealing your heart; let go and let it happen. Stop always being in-charge of who gets dumped. Protecting your skin, while you rip the hearts out of everyone else.
If you invest your feelings, you will still be tempted by others; but your love for someone gives you strength and self-control. You'll get bored with sex with the same person, but there will be a warm light in your soul for them that no one else can blow-out. You'll actually fear losing them.
Promiscuity is typical of young gay people; but there comes a time when you must settle-down and find real love. Life is full of risks. You're tested by failure, learn from mistakes, and develop tools of survival.
You can't survive on flavor-of-the-month relationships, and in the front-door and out the back-door one-night stands. You'll age faster, and gain the reputation of an aging old player. You'll not only lose the respect of your family and friends; you'll lose respect for yourself. Do you want to end-up a lonely bitter old lesbian? (I'm gay, I get to say that.) You've seen them. Why do you think they became that way?
They'll say love evaded them, blame all their exes, and fault past failed relationships that hurt them.
The truth is, they never really gave their hearts. Took the feelings of others for granted. They took all they could get, gave little or nothing back; and their karma was to end life old and all alone. With a house full of cats!
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