A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Fat issues and tissuesSo my SO keeps calling me a fatso.Mmm that's abusive.I need to loose, for myself, 20 lbsAlso in menopause and also 52 years old.But I'm very active, trying now to boost my metabolismI have put my relationship with him on hold until I loose the weight, he is not happy with it but I am not happy being around him when he makes me feel insecure about my weight.Question is, why would I stay in a relationship where I have to change to suit his ideals? Why would any woman or man stay with someone who clearly tells them there is somethings wrong with them?What am I learning here?I'm 5feet, 127 lbs, solid muscle well defined. I work out, jog, walk, canoe, weights. I have a belly, but that's going to go soon. I also have very large breasts 36DD which maybe weigh a bit too. But even defining myself makes me feel strange.I've upped my strategy have a great plan and take consistent action to get to MY ideal of 110lbs with added muscle.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2013): I've only know him for 4 months. I range from 125-127 lbs.I was happy with me, life, everything. He is not my husbandOur sex life was fantastic until he started in on the verbal abuse. No, I do not have to change or be changed. I can do this for myself. I have other men interested in me, but I've been not interested in them, because of this man who puts me down. Anyways, it does not matter, I am done with him. I'll take more time to get in shape for ME.But I'll not date for a while until my esteem has fully returned. It's really not his fault, it is mine for allowing it. It's done, I'm good. But yes, you are right, he wants a different shaped body. So let him go find his ideal, everyone should stay away from hurting people by getting into relationships with the wrong type of person or body or hair colour or whatever. tks
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2013): "Question is, why would I stay in a relationship where I have to change to suit his ideals? "
It's not about whether or not you "should" change to suit someone else, it's about how you feel about each other. for example if I gained weight I would immediately do everything I can to lose it to keep myself attractive for my partner, because I love him and I want to maximize his enjoyment of our relationship. And no, he has never said anything about my weight or appearance, he can't keep his hands off me as it is.
I am just saying that caring about your partner includes maintaining yourself for their enjoyment, no? My mom always told me that just because you're married it doesn't mean you can now "let yourself go" , or "not care" about what your spouse thinks of you anymore, or become self-centered as that is all being disrespectful to your spouse. This goes for both men and women.
In my first marriage, my husband let himself go after we got married. he gained 100 lbs. I waited 10 years for him to lose weight and he never did. I lost my physical attraction to him. I didn't want to, but I just could not feel attracted to him physically anymore. If we were just friends, no problem. But a marriage is supposed to be your only physically intimate relationship and if that person that you are supposed to be physically intimate with is not someone that you find the least bit attractive, well, to say the least, that puts a strain on the relationship because you either have to be a fake to be polite (which they know you are doing eventually), or be honest and hurt their feelings. And in the meantime both people are NOT getting their sexual needs met by each other (the only one who is supposed to meet those needs, if you're married, it's not like you can go and get those needs met elsewhere as that would be adultery!). So that kinda makes life suck a bit. That's a big reason we're no longer married. we don't hate each other, we're actually very good friends now, just that there's no attraction from me towards him, and there still isn't. thankfully he has now found a new wife who is crazy about him the way he is so he does not "have" to lose weight "just" to get a woman to be physically attracted to him anymore. And, I can stop being a big fake pretending to be attracted to someone I'm not.
So in the end, should you stay in a relationship where you have to change to suit your partner? Again, part of being committed to your partner is doing all you can to meet their needs. Each person has different needs.
however if your partner needs you to be VERY different from who you currently are, or if he needs you to be something you're actually averse to, or you're just not ready to make the kind of changes that he really desires, then it's more a question of just not being compatible with each other and there's no need to lay blame on anyone. It's not your fault for not wanting or being able to change. You have a right to be who you are, as you see fit, there is NOTHING wrong with you! And it's not his fault for wanting something different, a lot of times we dont' get to choose what our innate preferences and aversions are, they just are the way they are. The guilt of not being able to admit this openly for fear of being labeled a jerk, keeps many people in silent dishonesty, or it seeps out into passive aggressive nastiness as they try to change their partner without looking like that's what they're trying to do.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 June 2013):
 I think the biggest lesson here is that you said, no I'm not taking this kind of crap from a person who is supposed to love me.
If YOU are happy with YOU - then FUCK (pardon my English) what anyone else thinks.
I don't believe in changing for a partner, when it comes to things such as physical appearance and certainly not because the other person verbally abuse you to get you to change.
GOOD for you and GOOD luck in your journey.
His loss ALL the way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you AuntieEm and others. Yes, getting back is not a place I want to be standing. Defusing the situation is my goal. Diffusing my thoughts is not so easy. But I will make it there. It's nice to have others in on the event because of the different perspectives I can look at.
I just don't like it when I have to gain my happiness like it's a battle grown to be won.
The only part of his problem that is my problem is that I allow it to effect me. So that is the only place I can grow from. Trying to change his attitude is futile, leaving him well enough alone is the only recourse. But what I can take with me, aside from reading those red flags is that when times were good (even though malignant) I can place those on my list of preferred characteristics. Knowing also that you must allow a relationship to be light and airy so when true colours start to shine or dim, there will be no permanent damage. Only after these events can one allow oneself the safety of vulnerability. That's an ok place to be. Not everyone has your best intentions going for you. Wolves in "cheaps" clothing are just that. Lowly enough of themselves that they will treat you just as lowly. Oh, for the love of Pete, I must have had some moment of desperate weakness. But I'll forgive myself and learn. At least to get through this mess I've been supremely active in all areas that they have progressed rapidly along. Which then again makes me wonder, as per my original question. Maybe I did it purposely to get things done. Maybe it was the ultimate subconscious choice to force myself to more action in my life. Which is a very scary thought and in the end not very nice to possibly have provoked another person, though originally a wolf I may have presented the basket and red hood of brave challenge. Ooops.. ok, I think I have something to work on. Always taking full responsibility for my life I think I may have allowed this. I'll be more aware of this into the future.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (28 June 2013):
Dear OP,
I can understand the urge for vengeance. However, as aunty em said, this might rather be good as a fantasy but might backfire in real life.
When I feel angry about someone, it almost always helps me to write them a letter and explain my anger. I usually don't send that letter, but writing everything down and telling that person, on paper at least, what I think of them has helped me.
Besides, I want to congratulate you on being strong and smart and leaving him. And not letting his destructive comments win over you. Be proud of yourself, not everybody has that strength and courage.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (28 June 2013):
 I really liked this post because it shows a perfect example of how an otherwise, happy intelligent foward thinking woman can be plunged into self doubt and low self esteem by the negative comments of a man!
I admire you fighting back, losing the weight and refusing to see him but I cannot help but feel a little sad that you should not have been made to go through this and have it impact so deeply on your inner self.
I can understand the drive for revenge, but he'd probably claim the victory by saying it was his idea that you lose weight! so don't give him the satisfaction.
Men who make such negative comments arn't men in my opinion, they are control freaks and they are best left to a life alone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, I've stopped seeing him. He calls I don't answer.I don't miss him, so much as I guess I'm so angry.But my pride feels the desire to approach him after I've dropped the weight as a pay back. I know that is so wrong and so negative. I should be looking forwards to my future dates. I'm so busy it's not difficult to leave these thoughts but then they haunt me. I get almost vengeful.I'm kind of stuck in how long that kind of anger lasts.It makes me saddened to think I have to live with this from time to time, because I'm usually so very happy. At least I was. I have a great life, I love it. I still do.But then maybe for 20 minutes a day I have to live with this anger or hurt or whatever and it distracts me from all the good things I'm doing at the time. I want to date other men, I just don't want this feeling hanging over my head or getting in my way. I think I just can't put my finger on the pulse of it all.I guess time and effort. Forwards always forwards. Tks for your insights.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 June 2013):
 What are you learning here? That there is more to health and well-being than a number on a scale.
That this guy is a jerk?
I'd keep on with the weight training and healthy eating and all that and lose the abusive loser!
Is there some reason you have a problem with doing that?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (28 June 2013):
 I thought you weighed much more. I weigh 10 pounds more than you and no one has ever called me fatso. You have no reason to stay in this relationship. Other men will find you perfect just the way you are. This is ridiculous, maybe he has insecurity issues that he is projecting onto you? No need to change anything. Any diets that are not natural for you might disrupt your hormones, making your symptoms worse.
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