A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Agony people.One of my sister's is supposedly building a house. My Dad told her he'd giver her a site last year and showed her where to build a house and pointed to what part of a field she should build a house on. Anyways she applied for planning permission and was granted it and when it came to my dad signing over the land he pulled out. It turns out that she had taken more land that what he told her to when he saw it marked out. As the saying goes she was given an inch and she took a mile. He told her that he couldn't let that second part of the field go as there is an important roadway there for farmers. She got mad and he got thick and then she started abusing him and giving out and has now univited him to her wedding. I dont know what to tell my Mother as she caught up in the whole thing. Any advice on how to reolve this situation would greatly be appreciated. Thanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): I don't agree that your sister shouldn't be blamed because the land wasn't clearly marked out. She took advantage, pure and simple. It's not like she took LESS than he was giving her is it? It never fails to astonish me how, when people gain property of any kind, they want more and more and more. What begins as genuine need for housing can often lead to outright greed.What a lucky woman she was, to be given land to build on by her father. Many people would be incredibly grateful with that. I know I would.If it wasn't clear to her what she was being given, she could have so easily checked this with your Dad. And as a courtesy to him, she could have done the work of hiring a surveyor, if one was needed.My guess is that she feels 'caught out' by your Dad. In not giving her the extra land, she's been rumbled - underneath everything, she just wanted more. So part of her attack against him is that she feels humiliated by her own greed becoming visible, when she was hoping to just get away with it. At the same time, she's a product of her parents and part of me wonders just how much this is to do with her resentment, over a longer period, of your Dad's authority and the idea that he has lots (materially and in terms of authority) whilst she feels she has little. I don't know your Dad from Adam. I do know greedy people often breed greedy children. He's a landowner with lots of land. So it could also be a case of like creating like.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (12 April 2015):
 Surely she was away of the right of way for farmers??
Did your father and sister have the land surveyed or did you dad simply expect your sister to do the right thing.
Your sister and father need to sit down like rational adults and discuss this, and once they reach agreement get everything in writing. These days all agreements need to be documented, we never know what the future holds for us.
If they cant reach an agreement then your father remains uninvited to the wedding and your sister remains without land to build on so be it. Another fractured family will be created from oversized egos and pure pig headedness from people who should know better.
PS If your sister is still talking to you advise her if she builds on your father's land and the legalities are not resolved the house will belong to him as it is built on his land and there will be nothing she can do about it.
I hope she sees sense and firstly apologises and then does the right thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2015): It's his land and he can do whatever he pleases with it. If she wants more, she can purchase it. Nothing is going to stop the feud, until they decide it's not worth losing family over.
Meanwhile; hot-heads will collide and greed will prevail.
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A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (11 April 2015):
 Your sister is being selfish and ungrateful and in all honesty I see why your father is offended by her behavior. She stood to get something valuable for free, and if the free parcel of land wasn't big enough for her liking, she was and still is free to buy land herself and build what she chooses on it. Where is she getting the money to build the house itself? Some of that could easily go to land that is "just so," and then make do with a smaller/simpler house.
Personally I don't think your father has any obligation to compromise with her. In his shoes I would not. It's no different than giving a person any other kind of gift and then being met with rudeness and ingratitude. Would you apologize and go back to the store and buy that person a bigger, fancier gift? No, you'd think they were unappreciative and materialistic and you'd probably be hesitant to buy them anything else in the future.
Your sister, as an adult old enough to get married and have her own household, is only ENTITLED to have things she herself works and pays for, just as your father has likely worked his whole life for the things that he has. Anything your parents provide over and above that is their choice and certainly not a requirement. Your sister, in childishly disinviting your father from her wedding, is setting herself up for a great deal of regret when the sad day comes that your father is no longer around to create memories with. You might point this out to her and see if she's able to put aside her temper tantrum and see the bigger picture.
Otherwise, I'd stay out of the matter.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 April 2015):
 Find a neutral mediator?
You Dad should have CLEARLY marked what piece of land she could build on - either using existing land/property surveys or have one made for this purpose. Now I don't blame your dad for feeling she got greedy, but I can't blame your sister either for building what SHE wants...
So therefore, FIND a neutral mediator and hash this out.
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