A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:First of all thanks for taking the time to read this, i could use some adivce. I am a 14 year old teenager and i live in a house with my mum and my grandma, me and my mum recently lost are home 2 years ago due to problems with rent and all together were struggleing to support ourselfs. Are grandma kindly took as in and ever since then we have had to live with her having no where else to go. Things have gone from bad to worse and now we are having family feuds every couple of months and small arguements everyday! Its really affecting us and i just can't handle it anymore. It was okay at first when we moved in but then sadly my uncle passed away my grandma started grieveing and started drinking, it soon became so difficult to live with her she was always sad and moody she became abit of a control freak and just a nasty old women. I ended up having a mental breakdown and ended up in hospital when i came out she carried on drinking and ignored anyone who disagreed with anything she did and just wouldn't get help or admit her own mistakes. I was also treated like the black sheep of the family by some distant relatives for a while to they also done alot of things which made stuff here even worse. Ive made so many improvements since my breakdown but i had a huge arguemnet with my grandma today she accused me of making no effort to improve anything i was a spoilt little brat and we treat her like shit when all, we have tryed to do is support her. My mum is starting to turn to drink again (she was an ex binge drinker) and now the tension is so thick in the house that its like a battle zone, i really want to give up i can't fix everyone elses problems and mine aswell i want to run away but theirs no where i can go, also due to the break down i haven't been in school for a year now and am currently trying to get into a new one so i spend all my time at home. any suggestions?
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (28 October 2011):
Hi. Once you are more relaxed and confident, you will be so sure of yourself and who you are, that other people's opinions won't matter much to you at all. You just won't care what they think.
How you handle disapproval - of how you wear your hair or clothes (or anything at all really) - is to shrug it off and just go on with whatever it was you were doing. Ignore it. Water off a duck's back. Like it never happened.
When they know they can't change you or have any control over how you live your life, they will give up and just accept you for who you are - and just get on with living their lives.
You will feel completely free to just be yourself. Without any guilt or any self-consciousness, as you might have once felt.
It will happen, I have no doubt about that at all. It might just take a little time, although probably not as long as you might think.
The main thing now is to believe in yourself.
The reality of life is, your life can be whatever you want it to be. You have complete control over everything that happens to you.
By that, I mean you can't stop certain things happening in your life - no-one can. However, you DO have control over how you respond to the situation.
You can do one of two things.
(1) You can become a part of the problem.
OR
(2) You can accept that things happen sometimes, and then say to yourself - "Ok, this is only a minor inconvenience really, and nothing more. Now, what needs to happen to make this right?"
Then you go from there and find a solution. Instead of dwelling on what's bad about it.
Dwelling on the actual problem is what keeps you in the problem, because it doesn't help to move you forward and past the problem - to the solution. It can make you feel really stuck.
So that's why it's important to step outside of the problem, and be on the outside looking in. There, you will find clarity. Then you can be objective about it, and see it for what it really is.
Quite often if a problem has existed for a long time, it can get to a point where you are kind of used to it being there, although you really aren't happy about it - but you don't know what to do about it either.
And then sometimes, what happens is you get so fed up with it and frustrated by how it holds you back in your life - every single day - that it makes you really really angry.
And what is useful here, is to let the energy of the anger and frustration you feel about the problem, actually drive you towards finding a solution.
Instead of just ranting and raving and having a tizzy fit and feeling the anger.
Because then, that anger becomes productive - instead of wasted on a tantrum. It can be used to move you forward in your life in a really big way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am already working towards that goal, and i must say it is brilliant over the past year ive just had one friend and as i haven't gone out i can pretty much do what i want and look how i want without all the judgement. So it has been nice, but i would like to not feel pressured when i do get friends to the point where i have a panic attack so thanks i will try it. Also as its been really nice getting advice from you i thought i should say i have found out to today that i am going to be accessed for anxcity in about a weeks time by a women who works in that area so hopefully i will try your mediatating technique and also find out if i need any medication on top so thanks.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (27 October 2011):
Hi. When you get into the habit of doing the slow deep breathing I mentioned, you will find that it relaxes your whole body and then it relaxes your mind.So there will be calmer thoughts and a feeling of peace.And when you start feeling calm and relaxed, you will probably find that you will also think differently about many different things.When you are feeling more confident and relaxed, you will also feel less dependent upon others to support you. In fact, you will become your own support system instead.And over time, your need for a support system by others will more than likely cease to exist.And it will be at that time, that you will honestly be able to say that you are your own person. Then you will make your own way through the world in the exact way, you really want to make your way through the world. With the complete absence of feeling you have to fit in with other people's ideas ever again.And that, is total freedom. Which leads to happiness and peace.Don't you think that would be a great way to live your life?Living every day of your life, pleasing only yourself - wearing what you want, doing what you want when you want, wearing your hair how you want. Wow! What could be better than that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello yet again. Thank you for the relaxtion methods i will most defointly try them and i have tryed mediatation before and yes it was very relaxing.
I will go with the things you have suggested and i thank you again for your wonderful suggestions and i will tell you how its going.
As for the things about friends yes it did get to a point where i was relying on them and i did at some points give them confussion and i know it could of been handled differently.
You see with the whole driftwood thing i was also getting tired of them like they were getting tired of me, and i knew i needed some more friends i tryed to make new friends but everytime i did i was pushed out of the circle if you would like to say.
So i clung on to the friends i already had because i was afraid i would just be alone.
As for the whole changing bit most of the friends i had (mainly the girl ones) had wanted to change me from day one. They just started with looks which at frist i really appreciated because i was the sort of person who would drag a brush through my hair and stick on a track suit.
I appreacited there help untill they wanted me to change my personality and wear things that i didn't like it was like they were trying to make me into an image of themselfs and it just wasn't my type of stuff.
Thankyou for your advice i will get back to you and tell you the results in the near future.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (25 October 2011):
Hi. (Cont'd) - sorry, I accidently pressed the send button by mistake.
Again, it's the insecurity thing - with them (NOT you). So don't pay too much attention to that. Believe me, that's all about them not you, at all.
When you said some of your friends (or ex friends, shall we say), referred to you as "driftwood", it was perhaps at times where you changed your friendships as your situation changed. And that's a normal thing to do, if the friends you were with didn't make you feel happy to be in their company anymore.
It's also very likely, that you were needing some emotional support at those times, and were feeling more dependent on them as a result. And some of them were able to help you - or they tried to help or change you - and when it no longer worked for them, you moved onto another set of friends, who were then trying to help or change you.
People can't change other people. No matter how hard they try to, it's impossible.
As a part of being friends with other people, it has to be total acceptance of that person - or not at all. They apparently accepted you up until a point, then they tried to change the other parts of you they thought needed changing. Rather than trying to really understand what was happening in your life.
This type of problem most likely starts in the first place, when one person feels they can't make it on their own. A feeling of actually needing a support system.
This is probably how it was for you, then you began to at least partly rely on them - more and more. Then the system of support collapsed.
This is why it would be much healthier for you to rely only upon yourself.
Which is why I mentioned about believing in yourself and all the great things about yourself. These are the things that will bolster your confidence. And when you do start feeling really good about yourself, your whole opinion of life will change.
When you do start to feel confident, you will also become completely independent and you will realize that you really DON'T need anyone else to help you make your way through the world, at all. And I can tell you, that's an absolutely amazing feeling, it really is.
Your whole life will change completely.
It will give you back your freedom - to be who you really are, and who you want to be. No holds barred. No limits.
Let other people believe what they want to believe. It's their problem, not yours. You are not the problem - they are. And specifically, it's their small minds that are the real problem for them. Don't make their closed mindedness become your problem. They have to deal with it - not you.
In life, we are not all the same. No way. We are completely different, and thank God for that! What a boring old world it would be if we were all exactly the same. We'd be like clones! Variety is the spice of life, after all, isn't it? It's exactly what makes life interesting.
Now for some ways to find physical relaxation - for you - where you don't have to even leave home.
I already mentioned about yoga, but that usually requires going to classes. So unless you have any yoga books or tapes so that you could do a class at home, you might have to leave that for the moment.
The meditation - sounds heavy, but it's not really - can be simply lying down on a lounge (or on your bed), or even sitting in a comfortable lounge chair. It really is mainly relaxation, centred around slow deep breathing. With your eyes closed. In a noise free environment and free from interruptions.
You don't need any music really. Although if you had one of those lovely sound tapes or CD's with rainforest sounds, or a little trickling stream, it could set a peaceful background for your relaxation session, for sure.
Or even a CD with relaxing music - like a flute - playing lovely, peaceful music, would be fantastic for this purpose also.
Now to do the actual breathing.
This is the method I learnt many many years ago in yoga class, and it really works very well. For stress, as well as pain relief. It's excellent.
Once you are in your relaxing position and eyes closed.
(1) Breathe in slowly - to the count of 4 (one second intervals).
(2) Hold in for 2 (one second intervals).
(3) Breathe out slowly - to the count of 4 (one second intervals).
(4) Hold out for 2 (one second intervals).
Summarised it goes like this - In - 2,3,4, Hold it - 2, then Out - 2,3,4. Hold it - 2, then repeat all over again. You'll quickly get the hang of it - it's super easy.
Then repeat the "In" and "Out" cycle, about 3 or 4 times.
By about the 3rd of 4th cycle, you will notice you feel very relaxed indeed. And it's at that point, where you can just breathe normally in the relaxed environment for say about 10 minutes. There's no need to do it for as long as 30 minutes. You will feel really relaxed within a very short period.
To clarify the one second intervals I mean:-
One thousand / Two thousand / Three thousand / Four thousand.
That makes it exactly 1 second apart on the count. I hope I have simplified it for you.
The real importance of it is in counting very slowly, and it's the slowness of the breathing - In and Out - that is what helps to relax you. And I can tell you it really really works, like nothing else I've ever done.
You can also do this kind of slow deep breathing anywhere, anytime - no matter what you are doing at the time. Whenever you feel you need to de-stress. Before doing anything that would make you feel nervous - do a few slow, deep breaths. It works every single time!
However, for the purpose of the exercise now, it's really worth the effort to do the exercise in a completely relaxed lying down environment, for 10 minutes, to help you much more powerfully.
You could even do this every day for about 10 minutes, at whatever time of the day you want to. And especially, do it whenever you are feeling somewhat anxious and a bit tense. I promise you, it will definitely help.
It's a good idea to make it a regular part of your day - every day. Whenever you have 10 minutes to spare.
You will start to see how well it works, and you will be able to gain that feeling of complete relaxation at any time of the day or night.
Please try this relaxation technique, and make it a part of your daily routine. It will help.
Let me know how it goes.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (25 October 2011):
Hi. Yes, people can sometimes be jealous of someone they consider to be more academic and intelligent than them. Again, it's the insecurity thing - with them (NOT
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello again. wow what can i say? no one has ever really pinpointed what has happened so preiciesly as you just have. I have low self esteem but i am slowly working to build it up, and the beginging of the year i was convinced i was the problem and hated myself for everything looks have always been a big deal for me because i would get so much pressure laid on by other girls i used to be friends with they would want me to change and i would but then they would come up with something else to change. It was all to do with the shallow minds of "other people" and i do understand now there isn't anything wrong with how i am it was simply them wanting me to be someone who i wasn't. As for the girl who attacked i later found out it was stiched up by two girls who i concidered as friends, the one who attacked me was really just there henchmen if you would like to put it like that. I am currently trying different methods to wind down exercise for example but it is easyier said then done, i know by feeling something you can give off the wrong signals. I am no longer depressed thank heavens it took me a long time to get out of the cycle of negative thinking now i have just got to do the same but with anxcity. I understand that when i was going abit loopy that peopl didn't get it so they decided to make it worse rather than try and help i do stand strongly by saying i think it was alot to do with jelously as it got to a point where alot of the people i hung around with just saw me as driftwood. Also a couple of girls were aparently jealous because ive always been abit brainy. Thankyou for your comment you have been loads of help and i will try with what you have said so thankyou.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (25 October 2011):
Hi. What it really comes down to now, is believing in yourself and that you DO deserve better than you have in your life right now.You could do this by making a mental list of all the things you like about yourself - physical looks and personality qualities.Things such as:-(1) Sense of humour.(2) Sensitivity towards others - caring about others.(3) Kindness.(4) Intelligence.(5) Creativeness.(6) Your physical looks - all the things about yourself that you like, e.g. your eyes, hair, mouth, teeth, smile, how you walk, your legs, how you dress.(7) Personality.(8) Accomplishments.It's important to genuinely appreciate yourself and totally accept yourself - unconditionally.Until you can do this with complete honesty, well then others won't be able to appreciate it either.It really all starts with what you think and believe about yourself.Nothing should matter to you more - about you - than what YOU think about yourself. No-one else's opinion should matter to you at all. No exceptions.Once you show the world that you are confident with who you are and won't take crap from anyone, everyone will treat you with respect.The bottom line here is, if you love and respect yourself completely, well then the rest of the world will do the same.Sometimes people will pick on someone who they see as vulnerable - such as they did with you - and yet, it actually says more about them than it does about you.It's often a case of they don't know how to deal with a situation they see as unusual - so they exploit it instead.Of course, this is completely the wrong approach, and certainly does not win them any friends, by any means. However they know no better, and perhaps have the opinion - get her or it, before it gets me!People like this, have a fear of the unknown and quite simply don't know how to react.What they would be far better off doing, would be to try and "understand" it instead. Instead of feeling threatened by it and striking out. Because then, they would have a chance to LEARN from the experience, which would be much more useful to them in life, in the longrun.People often fear, what they DO NOT understand. This is basically the reason this happens. Usually it happens among insecure people, who already have self esteem issues of their own.So what really happened to you when you were assaulted, was you were bullied by an insecure person, who simply did not understand. They have a fear of the unknown.This is truly the only way to look at it.Once you show the world that you feel good about yourself, and won't be mistreated by anyone, people will then treat you respect and not feel threatened by you anymore. It will make people feel more able to approach you and make friends with you.When you feel tense all the time, it shows in your general demeanour - short fused, impatient, not relaxed. You will have a serious and perhaps aggressive look on your face, which doesn't help other people to act friendly towards you. Even though you are NOT actually feeling aggressive, tenseness can have exactly the same facial expressions which can easily be misinterpreted.The next time you are feeling particularly anxious, and you are at home, look at yourself in the mirror and you will see what I mean by a look of aggressiveness.Many people in the world just don't understand depression at all.What also might be useful for you, could be to learn some relaxation techniques - such as yoga, or meditation. These can be done at home very easily, and will certainly help you to feel much more relaxed, generally speaking.And when you do start feeling more relaxed, you will have a whole different approach to life and it will show on your face, as being peaceful and calm.It will change everything.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey sorry i havent replied but i only just realized today there was another person who commented. Thankyou for your suggestions but i know the exact cause of my anxiety and have known it for a long time now. At the beginging of the year i had a mental breakdown and unfortunely had to be hospitilized, i was suffering from depression and my doctor had submitted me to a special childrens mental health center about two weeks before the breakdown with suspected depression. Ive always been a worryier but it spiraled out of control in the events leading up to my breakdown, i guess the main thing that set it off first was everything changed for me i was being picked on at school i lost almost all my friends my uncle my home and alot more. But when i started to become afraid of going out was when i was walking home with two other friends and a random girl came up to me and made false accusations of me picking on her sister then she beat me up and it made me realize that being with friends could know longer protect me. You see when i had alot of friends we would always go around in big groups and kind of gave me the feeling that i was protected and even if i did get into trouble with anyone my friends would be there to protect me. There are more reasons why i am so anxious about going out but i won't go into anymore detail we did seek professional help but like everyone else they made things worse and wouldn't support me but thankyou for your suggestions.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (16 October 2011):
Hi. The sooner you can get back into school, it is going to help you a lot. Because then, you won't be in this current environment all day long - day in and day out.
Your anxiety with being outside and with people, is further isolating you and would be making you rather lonely.
This needs to be addressed professionally.
Also, part of the reason for this could be as simple as having a think about when the anxiety associated with being outside first occurred.
It's definitely standing in the way of your general happiness. It will also make it difficult to integrate yourself into the school system again.
So really, it's hindering both your education and your future! And as a consequence of that, your ability to be independent and self-sufficient. These are very big life issues, as I'm sure you realize.
So all the more reason to work out why you feel insecure when out in public, the way you do.
Unless you have ever been physically attacked or stalked by someone in your past, there probably is no real reason to feel this way at all.
Some kind of emotional trauma is often a trigger to problems like this starting in the first place.
For instance, a broken relationship, loss of someone close to you - by death.
These situations usually don't just happen out of the blue for no reason whatsoever. There's usually something that happened at some time, which coincided with the change in behaviour.
If you think back to when you first felt this way, you might remember what it was. It's certainly a clue, and a very good one.
How long have you felt the way you do now - social anxiety, not feeling safe to go walking around your local neighbourhood?
Were you ever bullied at school - or out of school even, (such as on Facebook)?
There are many things that are probably going on here, that you might have forgotten about as time has gone by.
But I promise you, there is something right at the core of these feelings of anxiety that you say you almost constantly feel.
There is a reason. So something has caused you to feel this way.
Another possibility, is you might be suffering from clinical depression. To know this, you will have to see your family doctor and have it thoroughly diagnosed.
Anxiety and paranoia can often be symptoms of clinical depression.
Negative thoughts, no interest in things that you used to enjoy doing, are other symptoms.
Excessive sleepiness and no energy, and also sleeplessness are other depression symptoms.
So it could be a combination of both the situation you are currently in which you don't like, and some clinical depression starting to become evident in you as well.
Clinical depression is often diagnosed some time after puberty, and you are in that age group now.
It's just some ideas for you to consider carefully.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice first of all id like to mention that it wasn't my grandfarther who died but it was my great uncle which was my grandmothers younger brother. I know exactly how my grandma is feeling to do with grieving, i had been greiving for a while now but i recovered after a few months.Getting into school is my number one priotity right now, and my mum is doing everything in her will power to get me into one. Its diffucult with my school situation as i live in a small town so only a few schools are availble and they are all failing schools not to mention i know almost all of the teenages in my town and they all have problems with me so to speak. So we are going through a process to get a school out of the catchment area. I thank you with the soloutions of going out for a walk and i would really love to, but i have social anxcity and i am working on getting that sorted out aswell but for me going out on my own it is abit of a nightmare i get constantly paranoid. I also would love to go to friends houses but unfortunely i don't have any atm. Thank you for you comments regardless.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): Yes your mum and grandma are grieving. Yes its a difficult situation. Its not your fault though and you deserve a bit more understanding from the adults in your family. Being a teenager is hard enough at the best of times so I can only imagine how tough it must be for you right now .
Look to the future. Do you want to be in the same position as your mum, struggling to make ends meet and being dependent on others even as an adult?
Now is the time to act. Get back into school. That should be your number one priority? Education will provide you opportunity. Getting skills is the name of the game! Look for a part time job, maybe even voluntary work to give you some experience for the future.
It doesn't sound like any of the adults in your family are able to offer you the encouragement you could really do with so your going to be strong and put yourself first. Its not being selfish- its being practical and realistic. The next four years will fly by so put them to good use so that when time comes for you to strike out on your own you will be in a song position.
Exercise is the best anti depressant I've ever discovered over the years. Try and being active as much as possible. It will give you the strength you need. Avoid alcohol. Its a depressant!
Wish I could be there for you darling, id give you a big hug. Its going to be a long road but remember its your life and things will be so much better in the future if you take action now. I wish you all the luck in the world. x
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (11 October 2011):
Hi there. Your grandmother is grieving and it will take some time to become less intense for her.
Her drinking probably isn't helping either, as you have already said here.
Her drinking is her way of numbing any sad feelings she has during her grief. It's apparently how she copes.
Your own mother is drinking to try and cope with the situation you and her are in - with your grandmother.
It's not an easy situation to be in, that's for sure.
And it would be a lot easier if your grandfather was still alive and so your grandmother wouldn't be feeling sad.
And apart from the grief, your grandmother's home now has been turned upside down by two extra people living with her - even though you are family. It still is a further strain on her - as well as the grief.
So really, she is trying to cope with both the grief of losing her husband, as well as extra people living there.
It's probably rather challenging for her trying to cope with everything at the same time, and live a normal life.
At times because she is grieving, it's possible to get to an emotional place of being completely overwhelmed. And I'm sure that's exactly how she feels a lot of the time.
As you don't feel you have many other choices as far as living quarters is concerned, it makes sense that you all try to get along as best you can, under these very trying circumstances.
Your grandmother is dealing with a lot, and grieving is one of the most intense emotional situations, any human being can ever endure. Especially the death of your life partner, as it is with your grandmother.
So in really difficult times, perhaps you could go out and visit some of your friends and sit with them for a few hours and watch tv or a movie. At least then, your grandmother has some time to herself.
With the three of you there, the house might seem a bit crowded at times, and like none of you can get some time to yourselves. This can also make people a bit agitated and somewhat short-fused. So it's good to be mindful of that.
During stressful times - for your grandmother - perhaps you and your mother could go out together into town, and have a coffee together and walk around the shops.
Grieving people quite often like to have some time on their own, so if you and your mother give your grandmother some space, it might really help matters a lot.
Grieving people need company sometimes, and at other times, they prefer to be by themselves and just chill out - undisturbed.
It's really nobody's fault. It's a case of circumstances, and changed circumstances.
If it all gets too much for you, during the day you could put some walking clothes on and go for a nice long relaxing walk for about an hour. It gets you out of the house for a while and gives you your own space. It's like a meditation and it will help you to feel more relaxed as well.
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